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AIBU?

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Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
bernieaa · 27/07/2023 23:44

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

Maybe.

How long have they been together?

Money so tight you couldn't invite them and ask for them to pay for their own meals instead of a meal?

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 23:46

England101 · 27/07/2023 23:32

OP, I’m guessing there are a lot of step parents on this thread!

I get that you had a small wedding and wanted your mum and dad there. It doesn’t matter how long she’s been in your life she’s not your mum. Similar thing happened to a friend of mine but her stepmum was having an affair with her dad in the beginning of the relationship ( they ended up being together for 10 yrs though ).

But your step mum is probably hurt. And I find parents, especially men will tend to side with the partner rather then make peace (in my experience men seem to walk away from their old family for a new one much more easily- but that’s a side note).

You probably need to apologise, send a card and flowers. Good luck

The issue isn’t the op’s mum being invited and the step mum not, the issue is “small wedding, big enough to include friends but not step mum”.

The woman has known her since she was 7, and I’m willing to bet put up with some absolute bullshit in the intervening years between the op being 7 and getting married. Behaviour like the op’s doesn’t hard to begin with such a grand “fuck you” gesture.

If the op said “been in my life since I was 7, and been horrible to me ever since” the responses would differ.

By the op’s own admission the woman has never been problematic.

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 23:46

^tend not hard

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/07/2023 23:46

BANG out of order - and you owe your step mum a massive apology. It's not like she's only been in your life since Spring 2022 is it? From the age of 7 she has been in your life, and you didn't invite her to your wedding?!!

That's just really, really rude and quite nasty, to be honest with you. I'd be extremely hurt if I was her, and I'd be really angry if I was your dad.

I think a lot of damage control is needed here and a lot of apologies and a lot of grovelling. Maybe go out with you and your husband and your child and your dad and stepmom, and take them for a big lovely meal to make up for it.

I know people say 'your wedding your choice, La, La, La, La,' but for God's sake there got to be a limit on this mantra. There are certain people you just can't leave out. Come on @HudsonFar YABU and you know it!

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 27/07/2023 23:46

England101 · 27/07/2023 23:32

OP, I’m guessing there are a lot of step parents on this thread!

I get that you had a small wedding and wanted your mum and dad there. It doesn’t matter how long she’s been in your life she’s not your mum. Similar thing happened to a friend of mine but her stepmum was having an affair with her dad in the beginning of the relationship ( they ended up being together for 10 yrs though ).

But your step mum is probably hurt. And I find parents, especially men will tend to side with the partner rather then make peace (in my experience men seem to walk away from their old family for a new one much more easily- but that’s a side note).

You probably need to apologise, send a card and flowers. Good luck

I'm not a step parent , never have been and never will be . I think what op has done has been awful 23 , and grovel to her dad and s/mum .

FromTheDepths · 27/07/2023 23:47

How awful. You've clearly shown that your SM has no place in your life that you value. How can you then expect her to be a grandmother to your child? I hope you can find a way to make this up to her, and to your dad, although there may be no way back from something this big.

Babyghirl · 27/07/2023 23:47

@HudsonFar
Sorry but you where out of order, I'm sure you knew your step mum longer than most of your close friends that you invited.

How can you say her grandchild, when she was excluded from a family wedding, she has every right to snub you and be upset, you made your bed now you have to lie in it.

bernieaa · 27/07/2023 23:48

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/07/2023 23:46

BANG out of order - and you owe your step mum a massive apology. It's not like she's only been in your life since Spring 2022 is it? From the age of 7 she has been in your life, and you didn't invite her to your wedding?!!

That's just really, really rude and quite nasty, to be honest with you. I'd be extremely hurt if I was her, and I'd be really angry if I was your dad.

I think a lot of damage control is needed here and a lot of apologies and a lot of grovelling. Maybe go out with you and your husband and your child and your dad and stepmom, and take them for a big lovely meal to make up for it.

I know people say 'your wedding your choice, La, La, La, La,' but for God's sake there got to be a limit on this mantra. There are certain people you just can't leave out. Come on @HudsonFar YABU and you know it!

They have no money for a meal which is why they weren't invited to the wedding

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/07/2023 23:49

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Did you think having a child gave you the whip hand?

'Meh, I can act like a bellend towards them if I want, if they want to see their grandchild they'll just have to suck it up!'

That is honestly how your post comes across to me. You expected them to put their hurt to one side, because you were the gatekeeper to your child. And remember, by excluding your stepmum, you have basically told her that your child is NOT her grandchild. So you're hurt, now? Suck it up, buttercup, just like you expected them to.

"despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers"
You weren't THAT restricted, you had space for friends.

No, if YOU want to repair the damage that YOU caused, you're going to have to start with a huge and sincere apology. And I don't actually think you can do that, because you clearly still think you did nothing wrong.

DrinksAnxiety · 27/07/2023 23:49

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

A wedding day brings out people’s true colours. They seem to think they’ve a get out of jail free for anything they choose. It’s my day, I’ll do what I want, and everyone’s got to suck it up.

Except they don’t. They’ll see your true colours on your “day” for the rest of their lives.

You showed your true colours to your SM. You aren’t family, you are someone I tolerate to keep peace with my dad, you are not even a friend. You are less to me, than Vera down the road. But hey, it’s my wedding day, so I can be as vile as I want.

Your SM feels a mug, is hurt, and won’t put herself in the firing line again by offering any support to your DC, as she’s not family. Your dad is protecting her.

Be careful what you wish for, cos you might just get it, and some you don’t want…..

P.S. My SM, who I seriously disliked, was at my wedding. It didn’t affect my day, and it made my dad happy.

Coyoacan · 27/07/2023 23:50

AlfietheSchnauzer · 27/07/2023 22:42

She isn't your family, you've done nothing wrong

Fair enough and said non-member of the family is very intelligently staying away from the non-grandchild

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/07/2023 23:51

@AlfietheSchnauzer · Today 22:42

She isn't your family, you've done nothing wrong.

I don't say this often on here, but WOW, just actual fucking WOW Shock

What a nasty NASTY thing to say! Hmm

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/07/2023 23:52

bernieaa · 27/07/2023 23:48

They have no money for a meal which is why they weren't invited to the wedding

Show quote history

Oh come off it!

Player001 · 27/07/2023 23:53

I'm quite disappointed that we haven't had a theatrical flounce. I love a good flounce.

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/07/2023 23:57

FromTheDepths · 27/07/2023 23:47

How awful. You've clearly shown that your SM has no place in your life that you value. How can you then expect her to be a grandmother to your child? I hope you can find a way to make this up to her, and to your dad, although there may be no way back from something this big.

I strongly suspect this smack in the mouth that the OP has given her step mum, is a sneaky little way of saying she doesn't want her to have anything to do with her child.

Well, what a result eh @HudsonFar Coz if I was your step mum, I'd be telling you where to get off right now and wouldn't WANT anything to do with your child...

You have made it clear you don't think of her as family.

IMO, you DO need to say sorry and make it up to her.

But you won't.

Also, lame dripfeed, saying (later in the thread) that you didn't invite your mother's partner either... 🙄

Haffiana · 27/07/2023 23:59

Meh. Get your friends to babysit your DC. Get your friends to celebrate their birthdays and take them out and love them and laugh with you about their mad toddler ways. Get your friends to join with you in rejoicing over their little child successes and triumphs, to be there as the other constants in their small child lives. Get your friends to take them for trips and outings and contribute towards their school uniform or even school fees.

You made your choice.

DeeLasVegas · 28/07/2023 00:00

No, YOU are being unreasonable 🙄

MermaidMummy06 · 28/07/2023 00:02

My SIL did something similar, on a larger scale, citing numbers. Left some family off the list, sometimes one cousin whereas the aunt/uncle & other siblings were invited. Most family still don't speak to her 10 years on. She still does it. Just booked a fancy party venue for her child & left my DC off, citing space (in reality she wants to mix with her DC's fancy school friends parents).

I've had it done to me too, by a cousin. My anger & hurt is only overshadowed by having to watch my parents pretend not to be gutted to be left off & aunt & uncle & DB from afar be invited to the wedding local to where we live, and be asked to babysit my son's DC for him & SIL to go. I want nothing more to.do with them.

You make your choices. You live with the consequences.

LuciaMimi · 28/07/2023 00:08

Could you not have waited a little longer to get married and save a bit more @HudsonFar ?

DrinksAnxiety · 28/07/2023 00:09

You make your choices. You live with the consequences.

I can’t believe some people are so thick. Don’t they sit there and think through what they are doing?

I’m going to a wedding in a few weeks of an extended family member, and their wedding behaviour has pissed me off big time. I’ll suck it up on the day, then I’ve vowed never to lift another finger or spend another £ on this person.

Canisaysomething · 28/07/2023 00:11

I had a tiny wedding with some close family members not invited. But I didn't invite any friends. The difficult thing your step mum is having to deal with is the fact you value your friends more highly than her.

LuciaMimi · 28/07/2023 00:17

I read the OP more carefully this time .

For all I still think @HudsonFar was wrong the other side to all this is it has been two months. That's a long time to ignore someone and possibly SM needs to tell her how she feels rather than ghosting which is actually pretty nasty. I understand the hurt runs deep but when we are hurt we are better expressing how we feel once we feel calm enough rather than ignoring. But maybe an apology from @HudsonFar will be the start of reconciliation? Someone has to make the first move.

savunami · 28/07/2023 00:33

sounds as though she really helped raise you then you gave her a slap in the face. you honestly should be ashamed. wouldnt be surprised if they didnt want to repair the relationship.

GoingGoingUp · 28/07/2023 00:37

I find it out that you keep referring to your mum as your biological mum, as though you were raised by someone else. Did you live with your dad and step mum?

chaosmaker · 28/07/2023 00:38

I don't understand why weddings are such a big deal, it was your day and if they want to cut their noses off over this then that's down to them. It's so stupid.