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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 27/07/2023 23:10

When you exclude close family from your wedding you take the risk of causing a deep rift in the relationship. You need to realise that actions have consequences.

Threenow · 27/07/2023 23:10

I would be very hurt if I was your step-mum, and I can understand their response.

You have been unbelievably unreasonable, and as a pp said you reap what you sow. This is entirely on you.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 23:11

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 23:02

Willyoujustbequiet just because you have a child doesn't give dissolve you of your actions and the way you treat people. They have put in appropriate boundaries. Op needs to respect that.

They might send gifts for the child but they no longer want a relationship with op and I'm guessing op isn't going to let them pick the baby up without her.

As someone stated what happens when the sm doesn't measure up to grandparent duties? They are protecting themselves by not accepting ops behaviour and having a relationship with the child on ops terms she can pull the rug at anytime.

I agree having a child does not absolve you of poor behaviour.and it's up to the OP to try and put things right.

But I stand by my point that a child should not be punished and lose a relationship with their grandparents as a result of their parents actions.

Sins of the father and all that.

pinkishlemonade · 27/07/2023 23:11

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 23:09

I suspect op is extremely young got caught up in a whirlwind romance maybe 1st relationship got pregnant and got married in quick succession and has got the emotional intelligence to realise the hurt and pain she's actually caused. I hope your marriage works out op but don't forget family who raised and were there for you. You never know when you might need them.

She might need them. They don’t need her though. Who needs people like her.

ParisP · 27/07/2023 23:12

Best write them a letter apologising for the lack of wedding invite, explaining that you now realise how hurtful it must have been, particularly after being an important part of your life since you were very young. Apologise and state that you’ve given it much thought over the years and regret your decision.

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 23:13

Willyoujustbequiet you would argue you in empty room. I'd take note of your username and do just that.

BreadInCaptivity · 27/07/2023 23:13

You are entitled to invite (or not) who you want to your wedding.

What you aren't entitled to is a belief that those decisions will not cause significant hurt and not have serious consequences.

I'm curious as to why you didn't reconsider your position when your father said he wouldn't attend your wedding?

You MUST have been aware at this point how hurtful your decision was - to exclude your fathers wife, whose been your SM since you were aged 7 in favour of friends.

Yet you went ahead anyway.

You say you didn't invite your mothers partner and you think that makes it ok. Well I note the difference between partner and wife for a start. How long has your mum been with her partner (and frankly two shitty decisions isn't justification for one anyway)?

Even now you frame this as their fault.

You show no sense of self reflection or empathy for the hurt you caused.

YOU made very clear how little you value both your father and SM yet expect them to move on and play happy families with you.

It's not up to them to build bridges here.

You did a very, very shitty thing.

At least have the decency to own it.

That's where you start - by apologising and accepting you behaved very, very selfishly.

krustykittens · 27/07/2023 23:14

You have told your stepmum that she is not family. She doesn't even make the cut as a friend. She probably feels so hurt after investing years in a relationship with you, to realise it was all a waste of time, that there was no relationship. So why the fuck would you expect her to play doting granny to your child?! Can you not imagine how hurt she is and why she doesn't want to bond with a baby in this situation? But hey! It was your wedding and your decisions need to be RESPECTED!

INeedAnotherName · 27/07/2023 23:15

You have said stepmum and biological mum. Who raised you?

Although that probably doesn't matter much because you've said a big fuck you to your dad and his wife. No wonder they don't want anything to do with you.

LaylaLjungberg · 27/07/2023 23:15
Find Out Chalk GIF by The Undroppables

Oh dear.

YouPistonWhat · 27/07/2023 23:16

MySugarBabyLove · 27/07/2023 22:43

Interesting how now the OP has disappeared a sockpuppet someone who agrees with her has emerged.

Isn’t it?

CrocodilesCry · 27/07/2023 23:16

I also have stepparents myself who have been in my life for 21 and 30 years respectively. I wouldn't dream of not including them.
I was going to ask if DM and DSM didn't get on - but if you also cut out your mom's partner it doesn't seem that way.
If this is a genuine post (or even a reverse) there's a lot of grovelling and bridg-building to be done.

Icouldabeenalawyer · 27/07/2023 23:16

I have been with my dsd since she was 7, is now an adult. I'd be truly devastated 😢
That is the issue, you created. I am guessing your dd has lost respect and was placed in an awful situation. You have bridges to build, start with an apology is my advice.

PinkyFlamingo · 27/07/2023 23:17

I cant get over why you didn't think this decision would cause a lot of hurt and upset?

pinkishlemonade · 27/07/2023 23:18

YouPistonWhat · 27/07/2023 23:16

Isn’t it?

Show quote history

Is that you Sooty?

Op won’t be back.

LemonadePockets · 27/07/2023 23:18

Sorry OP, I agree with everyone else. You’re upset they’re missing time with their grandchild, she’s good enough to play granny but not to be at your wedding? I think I’d be upset too.

Grumpy101 · 27/07/2023 23:19

Yes, you can do whatever you want, it was your wedding. BUT there are consequences which you do need to accept. A wedding is not a free pass to hurt your loved ones.

Figgygal · 27/07/2023 23:20

Well you totally fucked it op
You Invite friends but not your step parents on either side - its therefore not a numbers thing or cost thing you actively excluded them
No wonder they're pissed

debbs77 · 27/07/2023 23:20

You can't really have it both ways....you are upset they are missing out on THEIR grandchild.....so she is important enough to be considered a grandmother? But not important enough to be at your wedding. Ouch

Callyem · 27/07/2023 23:20

How odd! What were you thinking not inviting her?

bernieaa · 27/07/2023 23:22

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Don't be a bitch then

BreadInCaptivity · 27/07/2023 23:22

BattleofBeamfleot · 27/07/2023 22:48

When you draw a line that says "the people who are important to me are on this side, and that does not include YOU".... people are entitled to take it that the line works both ways.

Exactly this.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/07/2023 23:22

YABU
I agree you wanted a small wedding, fair enough but it's very hurtful to exclude a stepmum who has been in your life since you were 7, yet include your Dad who you say you were close to( not now I'm sure)
Could you not have invited her over one friend?
Can you not understand why your Dad is upset?!!
I wouldn't blame him if they went LC with you!

amispeakingintongues · 27/07/2023 23:22

Naaaa OP you must realise this is out of order??? And you done this to both your step parents??

You need to apologise and explain you've been short sighted. But i think its hard to damage control at this point.

truthhurts23 · 27/07/2023 23:23

im not buying the limited numbers excuse, you could’ve squeezed in two more if you really wanted too , but you didn’t because you’re a brat