My dad and step mum are ignoring me

[HudsonFar]

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

I wouldn’t form a relationship with a baby / child in these circumstances.

OP has already demonstrated she’s happy to be intentionally cruel and exclusionary. I would assume that she’d yank contact with the baby at the slightest provocation. Why should I put myself through that?

As a PP has said, the OP made a loud public announcement of who made the cut as ‘family’ (i.e. not SM) and SM has gone along with her wishes. If OP regrets her choices, I assume her DF and SM haven’t entered the witness protection programme and OP knows where they are - she should start with a proper apology (no ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ rubbish) and try and rebuild the relationship from there. Of course, that would require her to realise the fault is all on her side.

One extra person wouldn't have cost that much extra besides you invited friends. It was rude of you not to invite her considering she and your dad are together

Willyoujustbequiet actions have consequences

You are hurting as a consequence of your own actions. Your child is missing out on spending time with their grandparents as a consequence of your actions. It's entirely on you. So if you want things to be different you need to make amends for the hurt you've inflicted.

So let me get this straight. She’s not considered ‘important’ enough to warrant an invite to some lousy registry office wedding, yet you consider her an important enough person to be in your child’s life?

I think you made your feelings clear so stepmum is keeping her distance. And rightly so. You couldn’t be arsed with her for your wedding but you want her around now because it suits you. Nah, OP. You can’t have it both ways. As someone said above, your little plan backfired.

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't try and fix it. Yes it's her mess and no they don't owe her childcare.

But that's their grandchild and ignoring their existence is a shitty thing to do.

I agree with the others here OP. A couple of the posters have even said that your stepmum probably cried about it and I thought about this and thought, yes, I'd cry too.

You need to make amends but your relationship will probably never be the same again.

For what it worths, your dad and stepmum have probably gone ahead and booked themselves a holiday now at the same time as your wedding - just to take their mind of it. Thats what i'd do. So even if you do invite her now, they probably can't go anway. They won't be sitting around waiting for you to change your mind.

On the OP yes, on the child no.

If he’s been in your life since you were 7 I expect he’s pretty hurt too. You keep saying their grandchild, do you consider her a grandparent to your child? Because if she’s not good enough to be invited to your wedding then I’m pretty sure she’s decided you don’t consider her family and has reassessed what yous are to eachother. I can’t believe your partner agreed with you. Maybe you can make it up to her at your next wedding.

Bloody hell, I'd be heartbroken if my stepchildren did this. I'm not sure I could get past it. I'm glad your stepmother was supported by her husband, your dad

Op you've really fucked up here, is that why you've stopped replying?
I'm so shocked you can't see how wrong you were, how can step mum be a grandparent to your dc, when you've loudly and publicly shown she's not important to you?
It was completely outrageous to do what you did, hopefully you can build bridges, but it will be hard, and you need to genuinely realise what you've done wrong and show you are genuinely sorry.

You reap what you sow

they are not missing out on your child, your child is missing out on them. all because of your attitude. which stinks. you owe them an apology.

This

Your user name is legendary!

Im another one on SMs side here. You have given her a clear message that she isn’t close family and hurt your dad. If you’ve never had issues with her, they must have been very blindsided by this.
You sound quite entitled. In not seeing your DC have you lost a babysitter by any chance?
You need to apologise and show some empathy and compassion.

Willyoujustbequiet just because you have a child doesn't give dissolve you of your actions and the way you treat people. They have put in appropriate boundaries. Op needs to respect that.

They might send gifts for the child but they no longer want a relationship with op and I'm guessing op isn't going to let them pick the baby up without her.

As someone stated what happens when the sm doesn't measure up to grandparent duties? They are protecting themselves by not accepting ops behaviour and having a relationship with the child on ops terms she can pull the rug at anytime.

You can’t have a relationship with a young child while being NC with the parents and the parents have all the power in allowing / disallowing contact.

DF and SM could form a bond with the baby only for OP to refuse to allow contact. I know someone whose DIL did that to her MIL when she divorced her husband. It basically broke the grandmother’s heart (and yes, the son was fairly useless and the divorce was more than justified so no contact was possible through him).

OP has already demonstrated that she is willing to deliberately hurt her SM and DF, why should they trust her in regard to access to the baby?

Come on OP, surely there's more to this than what you've written. Either a) this wedding hasn't happened yet and you're testing the waters or b) maybe she wasn't a "bad" stepmum but she "wasn't nice" either, because I know many people who aren't "bad" per se they're still far from "nice".

I think you’ve probably deeply hurt her and she has love for you which obviously isn’t reciprocated. If she’s been a good step mum I feel sad for her, it’s a thankless role that requires so much sacrifice.

My guess is this is yet another troll post. OP won’t be back.

Agree with this. You made your choices, which is fair enough, but it was obviously going to be hurtful to your stepmum.

That was a bad move, OP.

My son at his wedding invited his Dad's new wife..

I can absolutely see why she was hurt- as was your Dad.

I suspect op is extremely young got caught up in a whirlwind romance maybe 1st relationship got pregnant and got married in quick succession and has got the emotional intelligence to realise the hurt and pain she's actually caused. I hope your marriage works out op but don't forget family who raised and were there for you. You never know when you might need them.

I've been in my DSS's life for close to 20 years now, since he was a teenager.
He's got his own young family now.
He's getting married next year. If I wasn't invited I don't think I (or his Dad) would ever get over it TBH. Luckily that won't happen and I'm helping him and his lovely fiance plan the wedding.
Unless you really hate one another and there's a big drip coming, then you really messed up. Your dad must be ashamed and devastated.