My dad and step mum are ignoring me

[HudsonFar]

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

That was the implication.

If your grandparents had passed away then that is less relevant to a situation where they are still living but having no contact as in my case. It's not comparable.

Based on the information given, OP you say you have never had any issues with the step mum; but aren't close to her.

It really doesn't matter that you are not close to your step mum - this is about respect for your father - and by extension, your step mum. You don't need to be close to someone to do the right thing.

As I said earlier, the most telling thing in all of this is that your father's feelings were completely unimportant to you.

They most certainly aren't being unreasonable. And as others have said, you can hardly expect your step mum to play grandma when she's not worth an invitation to your wedding!

You need to apologise to them both and admit you got it badly wrong.

If you haven't already, will you be having a christening/naming ceremony? If so, you could perhaps redeem things a little by treating them as special guests?

Wow, I agree with all of the PPs, you were definitely in the wrong.

Going by the SMs we often hear from alot, I imagine she did a lot of the caring for you whilst grown up at your Dads house - she’ll have done some, Im sure, even if he was as hands on as a person could be.

Is your mum’s partner maybe a newer addition? In any case, the fairer thing to do would have been to invite both of them, possibly at the expense of friends, if necessary.

You say your baby is more important, but more important to you. Not necessarily to her.

The old Mumsnet adage applies here, when people show who they are, believe them. Excluding your stepmother must have been so hurtful to your father and to your stepmother. You mention your mother’s partner wasn’t invited - have they been together since you were a child?

You need to apologise and seek their forgiveness if your relationship is to be mended.

Sorry but I totally understand why they are hurt and your dad didn’t come. Unless there was bad blood and it would have caused problems I think it was a bad decision to not invite her and you should apologise and if they don’t move on then that’s on them. But I do think you owe them an apology, it was unfair when you’ve known her so long and I’m sure she’s helped to raise you in some way

Or that OP has just realised she has lost half her source of free childcare !

You need to apologise OP, more than that you need to grovel. What you did was really nasty, and you haven’t even bothered to use the old “mum and step mum in the same room would lead to fisticuffs”excuse. To give such a public slight to a woman who has known you and cared for you since you were seven is horrific. It is up to you to fix it.

How did your friends trump your step mum? That's so werid and hurtful. I had a very small ceremony with restricted numbers, but I still managed to invite step parents. I think what you did really hurt your dad and step mum's feelings, like she didn't matter to you. I'd apologise to her and try to repair the relationship.

Maybe the op hasn’t given out enough information for us to make such leaping judgments. Firstly, step family relationships are often very complicated. My dsis is step mum to her partners dc. She has been in their life since the youngest was a baby (They are all young adults now). They have stayed with her and her partner every weekend for over 15 years. However, the step kids mother absolutely hates my sister so to invite my sister to a family function such as a wedding would be a nightmare. On the flip side, my dh’s brother has children and his wife has dc too. Bil’s kids hate my SIL but still invite her to weddings christenings etc to try to keep everyone happy. Last year our nephew got married and invited his dad and step mum but his sister (our neice) got drunk and cause absolute havoc telling SIL exactly what she thought of her, years of hatred came out, dh said it was awful. Maybe this is a similar situation for op?

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

They did respect that decision, your stepmother didn't go to the wedding. You don't seem to have realised that, just as it was your decision who to invite, it was their decision whether they were going to come; and that accepting your decision didn't mean that they had to ignore what a slap in the face it was for your stepmother and pretend not to be hurt by it.

If you want them in your child's life, you need to contact them and let them know that you regret this, you realise how hurtful it must have been and you are sincerely sorry. And mean it, of course. Ask if you can get together to try to build bridges and for them to meet their grandchild, and make it clear you want your stepmother to be in her grandchild's life because you value her as a person.

whilst it was entirely your decision to invite who you wanted to your wedding, you have to afford your dad and step mum the same decision making entitlement - to be hurt and rejected and to withdraw a bit from you.
i imagine your step mum made many selfless decisions over your childhood to facilitate your relationship with your dad and she probably cares very deeply for you. They are not BU to pull back - self preservation. You’ve made your position clear on how important she is to you.

You were absolutely wrong not to prioritise immediate family as guests.

Well that didn't turn into the SM bashing thread that you'd hoped for did it OP?

It is really quite odd that you refer to your child as "their grandchild", which must mean that you view your stepmother as a really close relative - but not close enough to come to your wedding. Which is it?

I wonder what her new DH is like and whether he had a change of heart. I have been with my partner for 20 years not married and he would have said something if he knew it would upset close family members. You expect your oh to bring the best out of you not the worst. Why marry them?

You have the right to invite whoever you want, but your dad has the right to be upset by it too- no one's feelings trump the other. You made a choice- and that choice has had a consequence, even if your mum doesn't view it the same. If there is no big back story, a woman who has been involved in caring for you for most of your childhood- assuming she wasn't abusive, and was your 'added' family not being invited was obviously upsetting to them. You can't control their actions, but instead have to accept that your actions have this consequence and move on, accepting also you've probably irrevocably damaged your relationship with them.

If she was an evil stepmother to you I'd say yadnbu but if it's just because of numbers and she's been in your life since you were 7.. I think you should apologise.

I think honestly if this was the case op would have said it. And certainly would have said it in the updates she posted when she got a tongue lashing.

She's said the relations with step are good.

Also I struggle with the concept that adults can't be adults for someone else's wedding.

I think op is very focus on her feeling and has forgotten that dad and sm have also feelings.

It is refreshing to see on MN the majority of people saying this wasn't ok behaviour.

I'm a step kid and I would never do this to my step family.

But you invited friends over important family members. I would have been hurt too if my DSS had not invited me to his wedding but friends were.

Or maybe you’re missing the baby sitting sessions . I think it’s awful to exclude someone from your wedding that has been in your life since the age of 7. Sad all around .

How long have they been together?

im not sure what you expected here? You actively excluded someone and expected it to be fine?

People are always entitled to invite who they want to their wedding, but don't be surprised if people are upset by your choices. I can understand why your dad and step mum are upset. Their reaction is a bit childish (I can't stand ignoring), but if you want to preserve your relationship, I would apologise - maybe a card explaining the above but that in hindsight it was the wrong choice before you meet them face to face?

Wow. What a massive public snub for your SM (and your Dad by default). She’s been in your life since you were 7?

If I were a SM and this happened to me, no amount of apologies would make up for this.
It’s actually laughable that you are now hurt by their not wanting to be in your child’s life, when you have shown them what you think of them.

OP how on earth did it not occur to you that this would be a huge snub and extremely hurtful towards your stepmum?

You couldn't seriously have thought it wouldn't cause issues?

And how can you think your stepmum owes anything to you and your child when you behaved so horribly towards her?

You sound quite entitled and self absorbed.

You need to apologise sincerely to have any hope of mending this, but I imagine a lot of damage has already been done and your stepmum will never see you in the same way again.

You describe your child as 'their' grandchild, so consider her as a grandparent to your child. Yet, didn't invite her to your wedding? It sounds like you just want to sweep it under the carpet and you cant. She's been your stepmum since you were 7 so, yes, you are being totally unreasonable. You invited friends but not your stepmum, that's just unkind and you owe them both an apology. Good for your dad for standing up for his wife.