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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Screwballs · 28/07/2023 07:49

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

I think when a step parent has been in the majority of your life, certainly since the age you mention, it is quite cruel to exclude them without genuine cause, ie you do not get on, she's never been an active part of your life etc. Saying you didn't have room but inviting friends is a weak. I have step children, if they didn't invite me one day, if be incredibly hurt, they'd be showing me that I have never and will never really be part of their family. How would you feel if your husband's parents invited just your OH to a meaningful family event but not you? It was really unnecessary to do this and I really don't know what you expected. Using your kids to make them seem unreasonable is unfair, if you were bothered about family relations, you wouldn't have created the divide. And yes, of course you can invite who you want, but this was one person who matters dearly to your dad, was it really going to affects finances that much?

Weddings are for everyone to come together and celebrate, I don't like my dad's family and, as such have zero intention of having a normal wedding, DP and I will bugger off somewhere and do it in private, both sets of my parents and DPs completely understand this as picking and choosing who you like enough to attend is a recipe for disaster.

Anyway, very mean girl behaviour. I hope they'll get over it, but I think you really ought to reach out, apologise and maybe do something with them both to try and put this right.

Hesma · 28/07/2023 07:52

They’re hurting and I understand why. Unless you can’t have your mum and stepmum in same room together then it was unkind not to invite her when she’s helped bring you up.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 28/07/2023 07:59

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

Has he been in your life since you were 7 too? Is there any reason why you didn't want them there?

Excluding your step mum must have been incredibly hurtful to her, why on earth wouldn't you want her there in the absence if there being any issues and the role she has played in your life?

You don't seem to be at all concerned by the hurt you have caused, just that your child is now missing out.

Your step mum treated you as a daughter from age 7 yet you didn't consider her important enough to be invited to your wedding. Why would you now expect her to treat your child as a grandchild? Why would she leave herself so open to further hurt and exclusion? You have made your thoughts on her role in your life abundantly clear yet now seem to be surprised she is acting accordingly.

In the absence of there being any backstory I think you have some serious apologising to do!

namechangenacy · 28/07/2023 08:00

I think this probably isn't the first time you have been inconsiderate of others feeling.

I suspect that everyone growing up enable it to a degree forgetting that you would take this blueprint into your adulthood. I suspect you truly don't think you have anything to be sorry for.

Unfortunately for you, you will find that as a adult when you do something shitty it has a consequence.

I feel like you were trying to only invite mum and dad so that you could pretend they were still together and their respective partners don't exist. Which is a very childlike view on things.

The fact you seem surprised that your sm has feeling and that your dad has called you on your bad behaviour makes me feeling like this has been going on for a long time...

You talk about your hurt. No one else's.

I think they are withdrawing because they don't want to get attached to said children and you pull more of "little jonnys birthday is just family - so sm isn't invited"

Wise move if you ask me. Your highly likely to do this shit again

namechangenacy · 28/07/2023 08:01

Also if my dd did this to her sm I would be having strong words with her about being completely self absorbed tbh

harriethoyle · 28/07/2023 08:12

Love it. @HudsonFar has thought anti SM MN would support her and 95% of posters have handed her arse to her on a plate.

Serves you right. You're utterly vicious and totally self-absorbed.

weirdoboelady · 28/07/2023 08:13

Looking forward to the 'how can I best apologise' thread, if you want to move this forward.

Feverly · 28/07/2023 08:17

Presumably you haven’t known your mother’s boyfriend since you were seven, so who cares if you didn’t invite him either.
Choices have consequences. You chose your mates over your family and now you’re being shown as much consideration as you gave them.

Justleaveitblankthen · 28/07/2023 08:17

Sorry, I think it's absolutely shocking that she was left out.
Imagine how you would have felt? 🙁

Bayleaf25 · 28/07/2023 08:18

YABU here, what you did was hugely hurtful. I’m not surprised you’re now getting the cold shoulder. Have you apologised at all? It’s up to you to try to mend the relationship but I must admit I’d feel very pushed out.

Cyclistmumgrandma · 28/07/2023 08:21

Merryoldgoat · 27/07/2023 22:07

Why does your hurt trump hers?

Exactly.

violetcuriosity · 28/07/2023 08:24

If my daughter who is 8 at the moment didn't invite my partner who has been her step dad since she was 4 to her wedding I think I would probably do the same. What were you thinking OP?? It's really sad because this is one of those situations that's actually quite hard to ever come back from even if you do apologise meaningfully, she has still missed your wedding and that can never been changed.

GroutScrubberExtraordinaire · 28/07/2023 08:25

If the relationship is worth saving, then it's worth a genuine apology to try to do so.

ZickZack · 28/07/2023 08:28

Yabu. That must've been extremely hurtful to your stepmum having been part of your life for so long.
My stepmum has also been in my life since I was 8, I never really grew up with her as was mainly with my own mum as they lived far away, started seeing her and my dad more regularly when they moved closer when I was 13. But still, she was at our wedding, in the photos, and is now granny to our children. She's family.

3luckystars · 28/07/2023 08:29

I’m just wondering if you ran the idea past anyone before you did this. Have you any sisters or friends that give good advice? Did your husband think this was ok too?

When your dad objected, did you reconsider or feel any regret. Or on the day itself? The whole thing sounds like you were under water and you weren’t thinking straight.

what happened?

Middleagedmeangirls · 28/07/2023 08:30

This is a situation where you are going to have to choose between being in the right or being happy.

In an effort to be 'fair' to your mum's partner you have unintentionally hurt your dad and stepmum very deeply. You can stick to your guns and insist you did the right thing at the time but it leaves your child without a relationship with her granddad and his loving wife. Is being in the right worth that?

IMO you should send a letter (not a text) saying you realise now you made the wrong decision and how very sorry you are. Tell them you miss them and want to see them and have them give the baby a cuddle. They may or may not be ready to respond positively to that but at least the door will be opened for them.

You are a parent now - pull up your big girl pants, take some responsibility and make the first move.

MRex · 28/07/2023 08:31

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Do you really not see the irony? You told her she was not part of your family, so it isn't her grandchild to spend time with at all. I'm all for a small wedding, but to exclude your DF and DM partners was very rude. Good for your dad in supporting his wife to not be treated so badly. You need to genuinely apologise and explain you've realised how you got it very wrong, and would like to try to rebuild the relationship.

Whattosay81 · 28/07/2023 08:36

Well based on you not even inviting her to your wedding how can you then say you want them to spend time with ‘their’ Grandchild. Obviously you don’t see her as a Grandmother to your child otherwise you would have invited her to the wedding over friends?

LKM23 · 28/07/2023 08:37

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

The problem is you've made it quite clear the baby isn't 'their' grandchild, if you excluded her from the wedding that sends the message you're also excluding her from the family. Why should she spend time and build a relationship when you clearly don't think of her as family. Your dad is supporting her, they both must be hurt. This situation is of your own making, you should apologize.

BinauralBeats · 28/07/2023 08:38

She became your family and was there for you growing up and must have helped to raise you for many years. Then she wasn't important enough to come to your wedding. That must have been so hurtful for her, looking back at all you had shared together. Maybe she feels she can't get in such a situation again now that she knows where she stands with you.

Demolishthecreamcake · 28/07/2023 08:40

I strongly suspect this is a reverse. As MN seems to want to beat the OP, if the OP had said I'm a stepmum and I'm upset I wasn't invited to my stepdaughters wedding she'd have had a load of 'it's her day she can invite who she likes" type replies.

However, it is refreshing to see support for the stepmum. A rarity indeed on MN.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/07/2023 08:41

Agree that you were entitled to invite who you wanted to your wedding OP but my goodness, she has been in your life since you were 7? You did send a message that you don't consider her family so it's no surprise she wants nothing to do with your child. It's a little different with your dad, he could be making more of an effort but he probably wants to support his wife. It's crap and I feel for you but you made a statement and these are the consequences.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 28/07/2023 08:41

decaffonlypls · 28/07/2023 03:08

There is a lot of projecting on this thread. We don't know what her relationship with her step mum is like, how close they are. How often she saw them growing up. How her parents broke up.

Everyone seems to be assuming step mum has been a close positive parental figure in op's life. That may not be the case.

She has said read the ops posts again.

LogicVoid · 28/07/2023 08:46

You've screwed up. Apologise.

Dillane · 28/07/2023 08:48

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

So your step Mum wasn’t important enough to be invited to your wedding, yet you expect her to play ‘Grandma’? 🙄