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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ridemeginger · 28/07/2023 06:37

Everyone seems to be assuming step mum has been a close positive parental figure in op's life. That may not be the case.

Well if she hasn’t, OP angsting about her SM missing out on her “grandchild” is completely disingenuous. Her dad’s choice of wife, who may not have been a parental figure to OP, is nevertheless integral to her father’s life, and he has every right to feel loyalty towards her and hurt on behalf of them both. I’m guessing the OP was more concerned about the optics of her wedding on social media then, and is more concerned about where free childcare and/or handouts are coming from now. I’m also wondering whether her DM’s partner is a more recent figure in her life, so equating him to a DSM from age 7 is also disingenuous.

Boatshoes · 28/07/2023 06:42

You are BVU. She has been in your life for many years and, assuming you both had a good relationship, I can imagine she was very hurt to be excluded. It’s not as if she was a short-term girlfriend or a long lost relative. She helped raise you. I would apologise.

Dishwashersaurous · 28/07/2023 06:51

You very clearly, and very publicly told her that you don't consider her your family.

Therefore you have said how you think of her.

She then realises that you don't think that she is family. Therefore your child is nothing to do with her.

And your father has decided to support his wide and stand up for her and not upset her further.

You could try reaching out to your father only and suggest he visits and sees your son.

But you can't expect any further relationship with her. Ever

Badbudgeter · 28/07/2023 06:53

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:08

I imagine she has re-evaluated her place in your life and doesn’t feel your child is her grandchild

Show quote history

This.

Thoughtful2355 · 28/07/2023 06:57

Sorry but i would rather invite my partents long term partners before my friends.

connie26 · 28/07/2023 06:57

I think you're probably realising that you've kiboshed your chances of some free child care!
Your step mum must be so hurt and just because you didn't invite your biological mother's partner, don't think the hurt will be any less.
Massive grovelling apology needed if you want to try and redeem yourself.

Zonder · 28/07/2023 06:58

Sounds like you don't consider her part of the family and made that clear by not inviting her. So why do you want her involved with your child now?!
And good on your dad for standing by his wife, who he may consider the love of his life, to use your words.

Thoughtful2355 · 28/07/2023 06:58

you really did basically say " hey your not actual family, i dont consider you as family and even my friends come before you even though youve been in my life since i was a young child"

Shoxfordian · 28/07/2023 06:58

I can see why they’re hurt as well; you should have invited her - you’re in the wrong here op not them

SophieJo · 28/07/2023 07:01

‘Are they being unreasonable?’

No you are. Why should they keep in touch when you showed how much you valued her. You don’t say how long your mother had been with her partner. You valued friends over family so I’m not in the least bit surprised at the outcome which is of your own making.

Zebedee55 · 28/07/2023 07:01

They must have been very hurt. You are reaping what you've sown. The only thing you can try is to apologise and admit you were wrong. Can't believe you thought it was ok to do that.😚

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 28/07/2023 07:08

I think it was very unfair not to invite their partner's as she has been in your dad's life since you were so young so not a new partner. Very disrespectful and he is entitled to have love in his life also as is your mum so both their partners should have been invited as it seems very immature on your behalf. You should have a good think about it all and how would you feel if you were in her situation and least your dad had her back and respected her.

Birdsmakingnests · 28/07/2023 07:10

I am with your dad and step mum on this. If I am not good enough to be at your wedding then I’m certainly not good enough to be the doting granny.
I would also make sure that, as I have no emotional attachment to your child, there would be no financial benefit for said child in the wills!
The only person losing out is the child!

Lostoldusername · 28/07/2023 07:13

I'm not sure you will be coming back to.this thread, but in case you are reading it then as with previous posters - you are out of order. To invite friends over someone who has been your stepmum since you were 7, is despicable behaviour.
She's not good enough to attend your wedding, but she's good enough for you to call your child her Grandchild?!
I don't blame your dad, and I think he's been very brave to do what he has done because it won't have been easy for him to make that choice but you have very clearly hurt them both and now you only have yourselves to blame when your child is missing 2 grandparents.
The only exception to this I suppose would be if you genuinely could only fit 4 people into thr ceremony and chose Mum & Dad only from both sides.

Chandalie · 28/07/2023 07:14

HudsonFar
Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

How can you be okay with doing that?
Your obviously making wrong decisions.

I don't think you sound emotionally mature.

A wedding is an important occasion. It's not like your going to get married every day.

Yes you wanted to keep the wedding small, but your saying you had no room to include two other important people in your life?

Your snubbing people who may have done alot for you and then your upset that they no longer want a relationship with you. Smh!

Roselilly36 · 28/07/2023 07:15

They must be so upset, I would apologise, if you want to try to rebuild a relationship with them OP. Whatever were you thinking, did your mum not want stepmom there? And you felt under pressure not to invite her. Do you not like her? Such an odd decision otherwise, not to invite a stepmom that has been in your life for many years.

funinthesun19 · 28/07/2023 07:15

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Their grandchild? How convenient that you’re involving her with that.

She’s probably confused as hell at the moment with where she stands in your life right now to be honest. One minute she’s not important enough to be coming to your wedding, and the next minute she should be falling over herself to be a grandparent to your child.

I’m sure she will come in handy for childcare for you. Maybe like when you was little.

DilemmaDelilah · 28/07/2023 07:21

I don't think your hurt trumps her hurt. You need to acknowledge her hurt, apologise to her for causing it, tell her you love and miss her, and ask her to come back into your life. She, and your Dad, can then decide what they want to do. A word of warning though... If you truly miss them that is one thing, if you just miss how useful they can be to you that is another, and they will quickly see through that if that is the case. I know, because I am on the other side of a similar situation. I am not suggesting that is the situation in your case as you have made no indication that it is...just if it is....

hot2trotter · 28/07/2023 07:30

Why do you keep saying biological mum? I think we know what mum and dad mean. You've not at any point said biological dad, which makes it even weirder

But yes, YABU. If she was only recently in your life I'd get it, but from the age of 7 no way. Sounds like your "biological" dad is being loyal to your step mum, who must have been highly offended.

NeedToThinkOfOne · 28/07/2023 07:33

I think if people actually read the detail, they’d see that Op also didn’t invite her mum’s partner either and instead chose to have their closest friends at the very small wedding service. I can only assume all posters that are throwing in the ‘now reap what you sow’ attitude have straight forward families, with traditional big weddings where even the neighbours dog walker gets an invite, so you don’t understand or can’t relate to the OPs situation. I do (no pun intended).

Isn’t the fact she’s wanting her DF and SM to see their grandchild enough of a message that the wedding situation was nothing personal against them?

Anyone who thinks it’s ok for her DF to still be withholding his emotional support for his grandchild, as a protest, should give their head a wobble.

Xrays · 28/07/2023 07:36

NeedToThinkOfOne · 28/07/2023 07:33

I think if people actually read the detail, they’d see that Op also didn’t invite her mum’s partner either and instead chose to have their closest friends at the very small wedding service. I can only assume all posters that are throwing in the ‘now reap what you sow’ attitude have straight forward families, with traditional big weddings where even the neighbours dog walker gets an invite, so you don’t understand or can’t relate to the OPs situation. I do (no pun intended).

Isn’t the fact she’s wanting her DF and SM to see their grandchild enough of a message that the wedding situation was nothing personal against them?

Anyone who thinks it’s ok for her DF to still be withholding his emotional support for his grandchild, as a protest, should give their head a wobble.

If you read the replies you’d see that people have seen that she didn’t invite her Mums partner and that people are just as shocked about that as well!

funinthesun19 · 28/07/2023 07:43

NeedToThinkOfOne · 28/07/2023 07:33

I think if people actually read the detail, they’d see that Op also didn’t invite her mum’s partner either and instead chose to have their closest friends at the very small wedding service. I can only assume all posters that are throwing in the ‘now reap what you sow’ attitude have straight forward families, with traditional big weddings where even the neighbours dog walker gets an invite, so you don’t understand or can’t relate to the OPs situation. I do (no pun intended).

Isn’t the fact she’s wanting her DF and SM to see their grandchild enough of a message that the wedding situation was nothing personal against them?

Anyone who thinks it’s ok for her DF to still be withholding his emotional support for his grandchild, as a protest, should give their head a wobble.

Why can’t the stepmum be involved in both though? People don’t understand why she’s not important enough to be at the wedding but she’s important enough to be a grandparent. Why one and not the other?

Crazycrazylady · 28/07/2023 07:46

Op.
When you invited friends over your stepmother. You face permanently damages your relationship with your father and his wife. I can tell you now. It will never be the same as you've shown how you really feel about her .
Yes you're right in that jt was wholly your decision as to who to invite but you must realise that actions have consequences.
I'd apologise to them both and work on repairing the damage If you want them jn your life .

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 28/07/2023 07:47

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:08

I imagine she has re-evaluated her place in your life and doesn’t feel your child is her grandchild

Show quote history

100% this

BravoMyDear · 28/07/2023 07:47

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

No, you’ve done a very hurtful thing and you don’t get to turn it around on them. Their feelings are valid and you can’t just gloss over them. It’s up to you to make amends here, not them.

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