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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MustBeGinOclock · 28/07/2023 04:01

Ella31 · 27/07/2023 22:04

I think you should have invited her over friends. That's unbelievably hurtful.

Absolutely.l thus
You need to apologise here op. Very hurtful indeed.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 28/07/2023 04:10

decaffonlypls · 28/07/2023 03:08

There is a lot of projecting on this thread. We don't know what her relationship with her step mum is like, how close they are. How often she saw them growing up. How her parents broke up.

Everyone seems to be assuming step mum has been a close positive parental figure in op's life. That may not be the case.

Then why not say , instead op provided scant details , we can only answer on what op provided .

slore · 28/07/2023 04:25

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

Well you were wrong. You've made your bed, now lie in it. You deserve to be ignored by your dad and stepmum after your cold snubbing of her, and I admire him for doing the right thing and standing by her.

As for their grandchild/ step grandchild, this situation is entirely your fault. Have you considered that your dad and stepmum are so hurt by your publicly excluding her, that they can't bear to even see you?

Your only hope is to apologise profusely for your "misjudgement", and make it clear you value them both. Without mentioning your child as then they'll just think you're selfishly trying to rope them in.

uneffingbelievable · 28/07/2023 04:43

OP - your wedding your choice and the SM drama queens are out in force. You excluded new partners be they the OW or OM you do not say but if either were then regardless of time in your life, that does not mean you have to like them or want them at all your major life events.

probably is going to require you to make the first steps and speak to your Dad first - apologise he took it the way he did, point out your Mum was in the same situation so not being anti SM and see if you can move forward.

Ignore the drama queens on this thread, your wedding your choice, you did not target SM -they have interpreted that their way.

Ohyousillydivvy · 28/07/2023 04:53

Well she did target her am by not inviting her to her wedding even though she's had no previous trouble with her. She is now experiencing the consequences of her ill thought out plan.

DreamTheMoors · 28/07/2023 04:59

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

You seem to be turning two wrongs into an argument that it’s permissible to be rude to one person because you were equally rude to someone else.

That isn’t the argument you think it is.

Dibbydoos · 28/07/2023 05:02

OMG you didn't invite your step mum to your wedding and now posting cos your DD and step mum are incommunicado?

What we're you thinking?

YABU and I think you've damaged that relationship so badly it might never mend. Congrats.

Coyoacan · 28/07/2023 05:08

uneffingbelievable · 28/07/2023 04:43

OP - your wedding your choice and the SM drama queens are out in force. You excluded new partners be they the OW or OM you do not say but if either were then regardless of time in your life, that does not mean you have to like them or want them at all your major life events.

probably is going to require you to make the first steps and speak to your Dad first - apologise he took it the way he did, point out your Mum was in the same situation so not being anti SM and see if you can move forward.

Ignore the drama queens on this thread, your wedding your choice, you did not target SM -they have interpreted that their way.

Yes it was her choice but then she can't complain about the choices her dad and step-mum made either. My dear MIL had a saying: "take what you want and pay the price"

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 28/07/2023 05:17

Your wedding, your choice, but your choice has had consequences and it's your df and dsm choice to also react in a certain way.

You say they are missing out on their dgc, but it sounds like you feel they should just suck it up. I can well understand why your dsm is hesitant to have a relationship with your child, you obviously don't see her as family so she probably doesn't want to get attached to your child and won't now consider your dc family, as you've shown you don't see her as family.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/07/2023 05:28

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

Eeeek how hurtful! Your poor step mum!!!!

i find it a bit selfcentred(?) That you really hurt their feelings but they should get on with it because it was your choice and now you think its wrong that your feelings are hurt because of their choices and they should again do what you want.
bluntly, actions have comsequences.

Weddings are milestone events and given you dont have a poor relationship your step mum will have been incredibly hurt. Most people would and i really dont think its a surprise as its a massive snub. Fair play to your dad for backing her.
I also think when he did you should have immediately backed down and said you werent thinking properly and made a massive mistake.

I am ALL for small weddings for but i think you really could have stretched to 8. Even if the registry room was 7 only or whatever, you could have rejiged numbers. One extra meal was not going to back the bank was it...

You showed them family wasnt important to you but now that is suits you it suddenly is....
You cant eat your cake and have it....

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 28/07/2023 05:31

uneffingbelievable · 28/07/2023 04:43

OP - your wedding your choice and the SM drama queens are out in force. You excluded new partners be they the OW or OM you do not say but if either were then regardless of time in your life, that does not mean you have to like them or want them at all your major life events.

probably is going to require you to make the first steps and speak to your Dad first - apologise he took it the way he did, point out your Mum was in the same situation so not being anti SM and see if you can move forward.

Ignore the drama queens on this thread, your wedding your choice, you did not target SM -they have interpreted that their way.

You're having a laugh aren't you ? I've never been a step mum , never will be . I think op was wrong , in fact her dad is probably more hurt than step mum .

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 28/07/2023 05:36

Your stepmom has been in your life since you were 7, and you didn’t find space for her at your wedding?! Seriously?! And you’re surprised they’re upset?

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 28/07/2023 05:39

LOL at all the ‘your wedding your choice’ people. Umm yeah, it was her wedding, and it was her choice to exclude certain family members. As an adult she can now face the consequences of her choices - her choices have made her family members feel upset and unvalued and unloved and, just as OP was entitled to make her choices, her family members are entitled to deal with their hurt however they feel best. Since when did we all have to pretend everything is fine when someone hurts us? And not inviting a close family member to a wedding is a pretty enormous snub!

Conkersinautumn · 28/07/2023 05:44

You weren't close enough to invite her, yet you seem to expect her to miss your child.

If someone was not comfortable with my husband at a wedding I'd not go as I'd conclude they weren't supportive of my marriage, so why would I be there for theirs?

electriclight · 28/07/2023 05:45

It is quite funny that you showed such disregard for your dad's wife yet are now cross that they are directing that exact same disregard to you and your kid. It seems that your actions have consequences.

hattie43 · 28/07/2023 05:48

I think you were wrong .

NoMoreLifts · 28/07/2023 05:48

Is that even the same?
It's likely the SM has done quite a lot of work over years for her DSC. Talk about thankless.

Autumnsoon · 28/07/2023 05:49

You were wrong to not invite step mum.
that’s actually quite cruel and mean
im not surprised they are not in your life now

NoMoreLifts · 28/07/2023 05:51

NoMoreLifts · 28/07/2023 05:48

Is that even the same?
It's likely the SM has done quite a lot of work over years for her DSC. Talk about thankless.

Sorry, this was meant to quote a post about OPs partner now being invited to a family occasion.

mangochops · 28/07/2023 05:53

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:07

Why should she bother with your child when you didn't bother to include her? Imagine if your family excluded your dh from an family event because you've only been together 18months but invited everyone else, would you be happy with that decision?

Exactly. I wonder how you'd feel OP if your dad and step mum had an important even and excluded your husband.....

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/07/2023 05:55

I am not a stepmum. But I know women, who are and have been in the children’s lives since they were little. Your stepmum will have been devastated. The way you talk about your mum’s partner makes it appear their relationship is of far fewer years or that he didn’t contribute much to your upbringing. Giving both partners of your parents equal status was a huge mistake. This woman is family and by the sounds of it loved and cared for you from a very young age. Fast forward to when your children are teens and beyond, you’ll begin to understand the hurt you’ve caused. Good on your father for standing up for her. You have some massive fences to mend here.

CherryMaDeara · 28/07/2023 05:59

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/07/2023 22:52

No.

I was responding to the suggestion that a child would not be bothered about not having grandparents in their life. Which is patently ridiculous as many children would be. Its implying grandparents aren't significant which is rubbish.

Show quote history

That’s not what I said. You seem to be projecting your own issues on this thread.

I didn’t say children are not bothered about grandparents, I said they’re adaptable and will accept lack of grandparents.

My own grandparents were all dead by the time I was 8. I barely remember them.

widowtwankywashroom · 28/07/2023 06:01

Don't think OP will be back to defend her atrocious actions

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 28/07/2023 06:13

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

That's just as bad tbh.

Your poor step-mum, she must be devastated.

Sallyh87 · 28/07/2023 06:37

Why didn’t you invite her? Seems unnecessarily mean. One extra person would hardly have made any difference. She must be very very upset.