Page 11 | My dad and step mum are ignoring me

RosieBurdock · 28/07/2023 00:45

I'm surprised when your dad said he was upset his wife couldn't attend and wasn't going to attend either you dug your heels in.

NeedToThinkOfOne · 28/07/2023 00:48

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

It was fair and more importantly OP @HudsonFar it was your wedding day, which you seem to have funded and planned yourselves. I hope you had a fabulous day and congratulations on the birth of your baby. Family politics can often add stress to times that are challenging enough, such as a new baby. I hope your dad (and his partner) come around to the decision that to enjoy precious time with their grandchild is far more important than missing out on drinks at a very small wedding service, for which you had your reasons. In the meantime, enjoy the time with your own new family, try not to let wider family issues cause you any further stress😊

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/07/2023 00:56

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

In celebrating your marriage this way, you were disrespectful of theirs. Wedding invitations should always be extended to both parts of a couple.
By not inviting her, you’ve basically told your step mother ‘you are not family’. She has understood that message and your child is no longer her grandchild. You are no longer her family.
Given your father is no longer speaking to you about this, do you think they have rewritten their wills and left you out?

@HudsonFar you actions have consequences. Sometimes costly ones.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 28/07/2023 00:56

You have essentially published the hierarchy of people important to you, they are not as high on the list as they thought. I understand their decision to take a step back.

BreadInCaptivity · 28/07/2023 00:56

LuciaMimi · 28/07/2023 00:17

I read the OP more carefully this time .

For all I still think @HudsonFar was wrong the other side to all this is it has been two months. That's a long time to ignore someone and possibly SM needs to tell her how she feels rather than ghosting which is actually pretty nasty. I understand the hurt runs deep but when we are hurt we are better expressing how we feel once we feel calm enough rather than ignoring. But maybe an apology from @HudsonFar will be the start of reconciliation? Someone has to make the first move.

Bullshit.

It was made perfectly clear how everyone felt when her father said he would not attend the wedding.

Yet the OP stuck to her guns.

She is responsible for this mess.

It's perfectly obvious this decision was very, very hurtful.

It was also a very public snub.

Not just "I don't value you" but I'm also sending a message to everyone else around me that I don't value you as well.

The SM has no need to explain how she feels. It's bloody obvious (apart from to the OP who is so self absorbed she is even now twisting this situation to be about her hurt feelings).

She chose friends over her DF and SM and as a pp rightfully pointed out she can see how that pans out when she wants them to do childcare, contribute to child investment funds, help with buying school clothes etc etc.

She fucked up massively.

stacyvaron · 28/07/2023 01:03

C'mon, you must know what a mean-spirited, hurtful thing to do. It's not like she's some floozy he's shagging, she's been in his life (and yours) since you were 7. I'm glad he didn't come, good on him for standing up for his wife, and shame on you. You owe them all a huge, sincere, groveling apology.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 28/07/2023 01:05

LuciaMimi · 28/07/2023 00:17

I read the OP more carefully this time .

For all I still think @HudsonFar was wrong the other side to all this is it has been two months. That's a long time to ignore someone and possibly SM needs to tell her how she feels rather than ghosting which is actually pretty nasty. I understand the hurt runs deep but when we are hurt we are better expressing how we feel once we feel calm enough rather than ignoring. But maybe an apology from @HudsonFar will be the start of reconciliation? Someone has to make the first move.

It's not nasty to ghost sometimes that's the best medicine people need. It's not the SM responsibility to say anything it's the OPs. Maybe the op has always had her own way and when people won't play ball she plays the role of the victim "Why are they doing this to me? Don't they want to see their grandchild?".

The op obviously didn't realise that her SM probably saw her as her own child and then she does that.

The OP sounds mean and heartless I hope she takes the advice on this thread and apologise.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 28/07/2023 01:06

If she's good enough to be a grandparent to your kids, she's good enough to get an invite to your wedding. Especially before any friends and further away family.

If you were inviting no one, you were inviting no one, but I think it's unfair to pick and choose a couple of people and expect everyone else to be okay with it all.

MairSS · 28/07/2023 01:14

Oh dear this doesn’t look good

Carpediemmakeitcount · 28/07/2023 01:17

NeedToThinkOfOne · 28/07/2023 00:48

It was fair and more importantly OP @HudsonFar it was your wedding day, which you seem to have funded and planned yourselves. I hope you had a fabulous day and congratulations on the birth of your baby. Family politics can often add stress to times that are challenging enough, such as a new baby. I hope your dad (and his partner) come around to the decision that to enjoy precious time with their grandchild is far more important than missing out on drinks at a very small wedding service, for which you had your reasons. In the meantime, enjoy the time with your own new family, try not to let wider family issues cause you any further stress😊

Show quote history

Her family will not enable her behaviour and they are probably thinking what else is she capable of. They probably don't want to get their feelings hurt again. All she has to do is say sorry and suck up their pain and hurt. Then trust can start to build and they will become a stronger family.

user1492757084 · 28/07/2023 01:18

You sent a very clear message that they are not equal to others in your family.
Your father deserved the respect of having your lovely step mother invited.
(Is there a back story? Did step-mother steal father away?)

You set up the two tiered family and they did not make the cut.
Your Dad was right in not attending your wedding.
You should have rectified that promptly when your rudeness was apparent, even better, you should have seen the conflict you would cause your father.
Find a way to build a bridge but they might never wish to climb.
For them, it was self preservation.
They did not instigate hurt.

Your child won't miss what it has never known.

TRexTara · 28/07/2023 01:21

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

You have made it clear you don't see your child as her grandchild by not inviting her. So why should she bother?

LuckyPeonies · 28/07/2023 01:34

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

You can’t have it both ways. By excluding her, you’ve made clear that she is nothing to you and there is no reason to consider your child her grandchild. And they are not missing out as it was their decision to cut contact.

NeedToThinkOfOne · 28/07/2023 01:50

It was the OPs choice for her wedding day and didn’t invite her mum’s partner either, which is a fair way of balancing it if she just wanted her mum and dad in attendance. She was limited with spaces so could then invite their close friends who presumably mean more to the OP than her parents partners?!
Why are so many people treating the OP as though she shouldn’t have a choice about who was at her wedding? Now she’s left with a parent digging their heels in over it, like a sulky teenager might behave towards their parents. It hardly seems fair to be so hard on the Op. Parenting can be harsh sometimes, but surely once your children are grown up you’ve learnt to support them unconditionally?

TRexTara · 28/07/2023 01:52

@NeedToThinkOfOne Stepmums don't have to support their husbands child unconditionally. Let alone the grandchild.

LuckyPeonies · 28/07/2023 01:56

NeedToThinkOfOne · 28/07/2023 01:50

It was the OPs choice for her wedding day and didn’t invite her mum’s partner either, which is a fair way of balancing it if she just wanted her mum and dad in attendance. She was limited with spaces so could then invite their close friends who presumably mean more to the OP than her parents partners?!
Why are so many people treating the OP as though she shouldn’t have a choice about who was at her wedding? Now she’s left with a parent digging their heels in over it, like a sulky teenager might behave towards their parents. It hardly seems fair to be so hard on the Op. Parenting can be harsh sometimes, but surely once your children are grown up you’ve learnt to support them unconditionally?

Yes, it was her choice, and, as the OP is experiencing, choices have consequences.

dutysuite · 28/07/2023 01:57

Ouch. Feels like a bad move, I guess it’s a case of your actions speak louder than words and because of your actions your dad has chosen to understandably stand by his wife.

Oopsididitagaintomorrow · 28/07/2023 02:10

You chose to not have your stepmum at your wedding, they are now choosing to distance themselves from the people who hurt them. Accept their choice like they did yours

Ladyj84 · 28/07/2023 02:17

I think that's majorly hurtful not to invite your step mum and you can't see it wow. You need to make amends somehow. Been in your life for years and you kick her in the face I sure wouldn't want anything to do with you either you made one sad twisted wrong decision!!

MissTrip82 · 28/07/2023 02:55

Well this is the downside of ‘your wedding, your day’.

You can control who you include, but not their feelings about it or the repercussions for your relationship with them.

decaffonlypls · 28/07/2023 03:04

My dh has been in my dd life a similar length of time. (Nearly 20 years now) We would be devastated if he wasn't included in the list of most important people in her life given that all he has ever done is loved and supported her. He has been her main parental support after me.

However her step mother has only been in her life around five years, they have split twice in that time and she has been vicious about dd and her siblings and about dd dad (tho tbf some of it was deserved) they have a tense relationship and I would understand if she wasn't included.

You say your mum's partner wasn't invited, how long have they been together?

How much did you see of your dad/stepmum growing up?

Your siblings and friends were invited, did they bring partners?

If you want to repair the rift you need to acknowledge their hurt and apologise for causing it. To both of them and explain you want your child to know both sets of grandparents.

decaffonlypls · 28/07/2023 03:08

There is a lot of projecting on this thread. We don't know what her relationship with her step mum is like, how close they are. How often she saw them growing up. How her parents broke up.

Everyone seems to be assuming step mum has been a close positive parental figure in op's life. That may not be the case.

echt · 28/07/2023 03:17

We don't know what her relationship with her step mum is like, how close they are

Yes awe do, it's in the OP's OP: I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad

LuckyPeonies · 28/07/2023 03:17

decaffonlypls · 28/07/2023 03:08

There is a lot of projecting on this thread. We don't know what her relationship with her step mum is like, how close they are. How often she saw them growing up. How her parents broke up.

Everyone seems to be assuming step mum has been a close positive parental figure in op's life. That may not be the case.

Then why does she consider both of them her child’s grandparents?

To quote OP: ..maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child.

BadNomad · 28/07/2023 03:35

I don't think you can say "their grandchild" when you made a point of only inviting the most important people to watch you get married. Your father and stepmother are clearly very hurt and disappointed to realise that she isn't as important to you as she thought.