Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

Also DD has her own car payments, insurance, service and MOT. Mobile phone and Amazon prime to pay out of her wage. You’ll be able to save when you earn £20000

You sound very sensible, fair play to you. However, what would you do if you didn’t have your parents house to live at? How would you manage then? I personally think they are being very fair (and would go so far as to suggest that this pragmatic yet reasonable attitude of theirs has largely contributed to your sensible approach today) - it’s a token sum as you are an adult living under their roof, presumably being fed, with bills included and I think it is a respectful solution.

I would also add that perhaps you need to look at changing your timescales. Save slightly less, move out slightly later. It would probably only be a six month swing.

You sound nice and like you are just trying to be financially responsible for yourself in the future. Lots of differing opinions here but it sounds like you are taking the best of them and formulating a plan. I actually think you are being very thoughtful.

I think considering you will probably be getting paid £100k+ in a few years time (assuming you choose to stay as a lawyer; the numbers you've given suggest it's a city law firm and approx. £100k is typical annual salary for an NQ), your parents are being exceptionally reasonable. Why do you need to save a load of money? £12k a year is going to be your lowest paid year, ever from this point on. You don't need to be saving now, you can save by the bucket load when you start work. And your annual income could be more this year if you get a summer holiday job. The alternative is you renting a room somewhere else where your costs are going to be massively more than £30. I'd be extremely grateful frankly. It doesn't matter that your parents don't need the extra money.

Sorry - I now see you'll be on £115k. So you are at a particularly well paid law firm, probably magic circle (NQs where I am, not magic circle, are on £105k). Forget what your peers think. This is crazy money (I say this as a senior lawyer). You will be working with partners who literally would refuse to talk to you if you asked them about a client dispute over fees worth £2k because it's not worth their time.

You are never going to be worrying about money again (if you are, something will have gone terribly wrong). If you have friends who aren't lawyers / similar level professionals, you'll have to be very careful about what you say about the world of law frankly. I really recommend you prepare yourself for this; you won't always be surrounded by private school peers and lawyers (and trust me, not being surrounded by these people all the time is a good thing). You might for example have a baby in the future, do NCT and the people in your group will almost certainly be totally different in terms of earnings. Law firm money is fantasy money in comparison to what other people get.

£115k is not "fantasy" money. Op is not going to have to worry about future friends / NCT buddies finding out her earnings because she'll have elevated so far above them she's on a different plane.
Bizarre...

You are an adult.

You need to contribute a realistic amount to the people you live with - regardless of who they are.

Quibbling over £30 is completely unreasonable.

You should be spending every penny of your £12,000 supporting yourself BEFORE you even think of asking anyone else to support you.

I've only read the first page of replies, so I'm sorry if someone has already said this....

Even back in the 1980s, I had to pay my mother £25/week (whilst earning £40/week), so 4 decades later £30 is a pittance to be paying for bed and board.
You talk about socialising at London prices, let's talk Birmingham prices....A night out is around £50 here, so it must be £60 at the very least in London.
So, I would say you should be giving your parents the equivalent of one night out per week, ie £60.
There's also a formula for how an adult should divide their income, you split it 3 ways, 1/3 is rent, 1/3 is savings and the other 1/3 is for you, for living/entertainment, etc, so if you're on £12k, you should actually be paying your parents £4k/year (£76.92/week). If you want to save more than £4k, it needs to come out of your living/entertainment budget.
Do you honestly think a landlord would let you pay a reduced rent just because you want to have a social life and build your savings? No, they wouldn't. So why should your parents, especially after they've spent so much raising you and putting you through uni in the first place?

I think the OP is a thoughtful and considerate young person who has carefully outlined some options for supporting their parents whilst consolidating options for becoming independent in the near future.

Quite honestly I wish id been more like this aged 21!

Some of the replies are a little harsh. It's unreasonable to expect no socialising and being with a partner at that age.

I think whatever you can afford to contribute will be well received as a token of responsibility. I paid £40 a week aged 23 and I was earning a little more by then.

£30 a week is a bargain!!

My parents charged me £50 a week to live at home at your age, and that was the better part of 20 years ago.

I definitely wouldn't charge you anything if I didn't need to, I think you'll be left with very little disposable income as it is and seems like you or being proactive about developing your career and saving for next year. Obviously it would be different if you were adding costs to your parents that they couldn't afford.

I charged my DD £30pw five years ago (so would be more now) but then saved it into an account for her to have when she moved out. Didn't tell her that though. It wasn't that we needed the money, but it was good for her to know that she was contributing to the cost of her keep. Lucky you to be able to stay with your folks. Others on similar earnings will be a lot more in rent elsewhere.

Congrats @IAmTheBFG on securing a TC at Slaughters. I recognise those figures.

I suspect perhaps your parents may be taking the £30 to put away for you and give it back! I suggest you ask for a family meeting to sit down with them and go through the figures you have presented here with them and come to an agreement.

It all depends on circumstances. If they don't need the money then no, but if you're eating there i'd charge you money for food. Whether they can afford it or not, it isn't doing you any favours bankrolling you.

Hmm as a lawyer who trained at a Magic Circle firm but didn't stay there I can tell you that I was absolutely the poor relation in my NCT group! I agree I've never (much) had to worry about money though (although it is more than possible to lose your job as a lawyer, but usually pretty easy to get another one).

I agree that you won't need to worry about saving up, and you may well help your parents out in future if you are comfortably off, though you may end up doing a different sort of legal job, and people also tend to live up to their earnings and eg end up paying many thousands in private school fees. People do leave Slaughters for other firms or to work in-house or to do PSL work

At what point does a parent stop being financially responsible for a child?
They have raised you to 18 (adulthood)
You have then chosen to go to university which they have supported you to do, now you intend to do further study?
Sorry, but I think you are living in la la land! I would take their offer of £30 a week and be incredibly grateful!
I think saving part of your maintenance grant in year 1 is unrealistic. Perhaps get a weekend job and use that to save additional funds for year 2.

I would not be able to support my children beyond university so I think your parents offer is very very generous.

You sound far too nice and reasonable to want to be a City lawyer OP 😜

I think all this charging rent to young adults not in ft employment is very mean and unnecessary. I've got 2 still studying and living at home and they'll be rent free until they finish. Even though I'm skint. They can do the washing up and all the other stuff I cannot be arsed with, instead of paying rent.

It's not rent. It's a very modest contribution to her keep.

What would be a manageable amount for you? If it is important for your parents to receive something, but they clearly don't need the cash, maybe you can counter offer. A figure that is managable for you, but will satisfy this need of theirs.

Or maybe you can offer something else too? Additional services to the upkeep of the home?

You sound hardworking and sensible, and like you would not take their support for granted. But I wonder if your parents would argue that you are doing so well because of their 'tough love' approach to parenting you?!

Show them your numbers and try and engage in a respectful negotiation with them.

Also, consider whether there is a chance they don't actually want you to move out next year. Parents can be weird! Consider asking them outright? Is this a wish for you they ultimately wish to support? Do they see your goals as their goals (in a good way)?

Because if you are all on the same page regarding the long term goal, it would be good to remind them of this, and approach negotiations in a mutual, problem solving kind of way "how can we figure this out in a way that works for everyone?"

Good luck!

I don't think they should charge you any rent tbh (since they don't need it).

It would be nice if you took one evening to cook dinner and just generally helped out around the house while you're back, but I think helping you to save as much as possible for when you move out should be the priority for all of you.

Wow so much negativity here.
OP I don’t think you’re parents should charge you anything for this year. You should pay rent if you are working but you’re not working yet, you’re studying.

however I would also say you will struggle to live and socialise (which I agree is important) on £27k. Sad but true, London is nearly impossible to live in as a young single person on a lower wage now. Until a month ago I lived in zone 3/4 east London, not a nice or gentrified area, and rent for a room in a shared house was £800 minimum. Monthly tube pass £170. Bills another £200. Do some research before moving out.

perhaps suck it up, stay both years at home (pay £30 pw both years) and move out to a nicer house share when you get a job.

you never know, perhaps your parents might be keener to reduce the rent if they want the house to themselves sooner!

good luck and ignore the haters.

Socialising at London prices and train tickets to boyfriend are things that have to be sacrificed unless you have a part time job. Tbh if your parents have had to contribute for 3 years already, the rest is should be down to you. Maybe they’d have liked to have slowed down a bit with work after raising children and now you’re asking them to sacrifice things for you to have a life. What savings they have, really is none of your business. They could have both planned to take time off to travel or whatever they want to do. Having supported you to this point, no, I don’t think £30 is reasonable!

You sound like you have your head screwed on.
I’m a lone parent of two teenage girls, and let my ex off maintenance as he is always skint. (I know, I’m kind)
I personally wouldn’t charge you.

My elder daughter is thinking of doing a Law Apprenticeship and live at home the first year. (About a 40 train journey)
She would get a lower, but fair wage.

I’ve said I won’t charge her.
She’s very down to earth and doesn’t take the mick. I said, just save until you find people you want to live with and then move nearer to work and college. (Manchester)
I just expect a bit of house work and that she cook twice a week.
And… I enjoy her company!
Good luck.