Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

Personally I think £30 a week is very reasonable; your living expenses will come to more than that. However, I have to agree with others - when my daughter offered to pay rent to live at home while she saved for a house, we refused to take it. I thought she was being very sensible and had previously shown that she was planning for the future and managing her money well. If you are putting money away for a house deposit, a leg up sets your children up for the future. We were lucky we could afford to do that. If you're just saving it up for socialising etc I would charge you the rent, and probably save it up for you.

Sorry but you sound very self centered and spoilt and maybe your parents have done you no favours by bank rolling you. You’re quibbling over £120 a month for rent and bills when you’re earning 1k a month. You’ve had all your accommodation cost covered at uni. I’m sure we’d all like to pay no bills and socialise and save the rest of the money but you’re an adult now. It’s ok parents helping children out but you don’t sound like you appreciate it at all, best thing they could do is force you to live in the real world as an adult. I think £100 a week would be a fairer amount. It still less than half you earnings and won’t even cover your share of bills/ food

Maybe there charging you this to save it for you if you get me so they can give it you back as a way of well done. Only a thought

You sound like a lovely sensible young adult. Given your circumstances, I wouldn't charge you rent. You don't sound entitled or spoilt.i believe that we should help younger people as much as possible if we can afford it. Good luck with your future career.

If, as you say, they are financially comfortable, then they should allow you to live there rent free. They should be pleased that you’re actually working and studying. There’s many young people who can’t be arsed to do either.

The two extra years is mandatory before starting at the city law firm

This was a reply to the poster who said you chose to do extra study.
Are you saving the £7000 for year 2 when you’ll be paid £20,000? And is the second year 12 months or 9 months?

£30 is a round of drinks in a city bar. You are being ridiculous to even question what is a very generous offer. As for essential networking - it doesn’t always involve going on the lash. There are plenty of other professional opportunities : sports teams, volunteering for the corporate responsibility stuff ….

I’d also recommend living at home in year 2. The SQE requires a lot of work and you can use the long ish commute time to revise, whilst living in nice surroundings. Shared rentals, particularly in London, can be grim and noisy and not conducive to studying
Best of luck with your career

Parents need to grow up, frankly.

If £30 a week makes no material difference to their finances then why charge it? If you’ve already demonstrated financial responsibility, you’re studying and you’re saving then it’s not necessary. It feels like the money’s being used to send some kind of message here, and I suspect that’s what’s bothering you more than the sum itself.

To me, I’d expect someone living in my house to contribute around £30 a week anyway from buying a few groceries, toilet paper and picking up the odd tab for a takeaway. But to enforce and extract such a tiny sum? No. It’s a lack of trust and poor parenting.

My first year of training I was paid 4k a year, my parents charged me 1k. I think that was fair. I think 30 pounds a week for you is fair

I would charge £100 a month based on what you said.

What about doing some online tutoring with a site like preply. You can charge £15 a hour so even if you had 3 clients a week that's an extra £45 and it's from home so no commute.

My DD has just finished uni and moved back home. We were paying her rent at Uni at £500pm so we’re happy for her to live here for free, still better off.
mid you were mine I’d be proud of your work ethic and support you financially until you didn’t need it.

I wouldn’t make nasty comments about the OP. I think she’s unrealistic not entitled. However, she’s not being charged rent. She’s being asked to contribute a small amount towards food and any extra costs. She’s 21, not 18.

I’d be impressed if she was only costing them £30 in food and utilities.

Whilst I was studying I didn't pay any rent, but I would do a bit of shopping here and there to show my appreciation. I'd also clean and cook - just do contribute to the household. My mum was great as she knew I was studying and wanted to support that.

I do think YABU. £30 covers next to nothing. I lived at home after having my son. I got approx 1200 a term and paid my DPs a 'token' £20 a week (for 52 weeks), and that was 35yrs ago.
What would happen if you weren't living at home?

All of the things you say you need to spend your £3600 on are not essential

books - library
replacing clothes/shoes - n/a they last years, I haven’t shopped since pre covid
you can’t call pissups networking

I’d go £400 a month if it included laundry/food

Wow 30 pound a week all in what a bargain. I never questioned my parents nor did my siblings when we did a similar thing to yourself also in fact we all volunteered 50 and that was a few years ago. Regardless of whether your parents can afford to keep you cmon do the decent thing

i think it is important to make a token payment of rent. We asked our daughter to pay £100 a month but she was earning quite a bit more than this. We didn’t need the money but thought that it was about making a contribution. But there are also other ways to make a contribution, such as cooking meals, cleaning , dog sitting, all of which our daughter does.
I don’t think it’s warranted to make mean comments in some of these answers though. Remember this is s young woman asking for advice. Be kind.

I'm not looking at all to compile a dossier, I was looking for different perspectives outside that of my peer group of university and school friends (all of whom aren't paying anything to live at home or being subsidised to move out) because I'm aware that what's normal for my peer group isn't necessarily what's normal for the world as a whole.

Prior to making this post, I laid out my budget to my parents and they suggested a payment of £30/week. We had then both agreed to spend a week or so thinking it through, having heard each others' thoughts, and then will have another chat about it at the weekend. I had not demanded that the amount be reduced or attempted to negotiate as some posters have insinuated, my parents wanted us to have an open dialogue so we come to an agreement that's fair to all parties.

I appreciate that travelling to see my boyfriend is a contentious issue: he lives a hour long train ride from Waterloo so I won't be 'trapsing up and down the country' to see him as one poster suggested, and we've been seeing each other for just over two years so it's not a fling that's likely to fizzle out. I understand that it would be more reasonable if I took into account that cost after first paying my parents however.

I'm really grateful for the full range of perspectives people have offered and to everyone who has taken the time to offer advice on ways of earning money while studying and suggestions of other, non-monetary ways I could contribute to the household, which I will try to implement in addition to paying what my parents ask for. The plan was always for me to sort out my own breakfast and lunches and then my parents and I to take it in turns to cook dinner depending on our schedules, but I will also ask them if there are any bigger, ad-hoc chores they'd like me to take on.

Perhaps a good idea would be that you owe them this 30 quid a week and begin paying them back once you actually start earning money? I'm sure they want you to do well and shouldn't financially cripple you at this moment when eventually you stand to earn well if you go through this. Perhaps a reassurance that you will tally up what you owe them for staying at theirs for the time being and eventually pay them when you can would help?

Depends on your parents income. If they are comfortable, me personally wouldn't charge you anything. If they are struggling I think £20/30 is okay

From reading the initial post and your responses to posters, the £30 seems like a token amount that your parents don't need.

They've chosen a generously low figure to allow you to contribute whilst, I assume, reduce the level of entitlement you've picked up from previous peers.

I doubt the £30 will make much of a dent in any bills, if they choose to use the payment for that, but likely they are hoping it will teach you about financial responsibility and what is an essential.

Cooking once a week and doing a spot of cleaning (when they also pay a cleaner) is not much of a household contribution.

In 3 years you will be on 6 figures, the average person does not reach that, especially so young, it comes across as though they are trying to prepare you for prioritising responsibilities rather than take advantage or however it is you've interpreted it.

As a side note, I do think it is lovely you want to help your sister when she's training and starting out but maybe this is a way your parents are trying to help you.

If you were my child and you presented all your reasoning etc like you have here I would not charge you anything. Particularly if myself and DH were in well paid jobs as well.

However, your parents seem very keen on charging you something and £30 is a really token amount. So if I were in your shoes I'd just pay the £30 and be thankful they weren't asking for more.