Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

I really feel like I'm invested in your future here... 😂

How is your relationship with your parents? Would it be the worst thing in the world to stay with them for the 2 years and put all your attention into your training? Would that not ease the mental load for you? That way, you could pay them £30 a week this year, £50 a week in Y2 and potentially save yourself a lot of brain space worrying about it? (And probably have more money lying around for clothes/treats/rounds/family meals out?)

Our ds graduated last year and is back at home (working from home) while he saves to buy his own place.

He's earning c£25 or £26k pa. We're charging him £100/month and requiring him to put the maximum £200/month into his help-to-buy ISA (not that we check - we trust him). He then found out that his company pays him an allowance of £26/month to cover working from him costs, so we said "We'll have that too"

In practice, he's saving much more than that a month as he's not going out much and doesn't have any transport costs. He seems to be very sensible with money.

He's been spending a bit more recently as his girlfriend is now down here - but that means that they're even more motivated to find a place.

Ironically where we are, it's actually going to be cheaper to have a mortgage than to pay rent and unfortunately the market for the (cheap) 2 bedroom flats in a reasonable area doesn't appear to be slowing, so he needs to work out how much over the home report he is prepared to go.

It sounds like being an old fart but socialising really is an optional extra. You don't need to go out and spend London prices - that can be the occasional treat. You can visit each other in your homes, for example.

Ds seems to do a lot of socialising over Zoom as well or playing computer games with his friends - neither of which cost much, beyond his X-Box subscription.

But you don’t need 27K to live off during a year in London.

You've misunderstood the point. That's for a person who requires a one-bed flat, pays council tax, water rates and fuel on top of that. You can't expect your parents to fund that sort of lifestyle.

It's also based on a person paying tax, which you won't be I don't think? If you don't pay into any pension, 24 876 is a take home pay of 20,938. So that's the absolute max you should be expecting to have (at least if it's based on someone else paying your way) even before scaling that down because you can, and should until you can actually self-fund otherwise, share a house. It says that you will have a minimum income standard lifestyle on £269 a week exc rent and those basic house costs - around 14K a year.

That's for what they say is a good life for all adults at all stages of life. That's not to be read as saying that as a student, living partly off your parents, you have to have £700 a year to spend on clothing and £3400 to spend on social and cultural participation. You're on a high earning trajectory. For the next couple of years you will have less so long term you will have more than most of the rest of the UK. Look a the sums and adjust your expectations accordings. Lets say, £350 a year on clothes and £1700 social and cultural participation. Then take out all the household goods because you will get that included in your rent (that works out around £700 a year). Also take out £30 a week fuel because you don't need to pay for fuel when you rent and take the bus, so that's another £1500 a year. i.e. you'll have a good life on £4250 less than that 14k.

Rent averages £907 a month in London so even if you let yourself get something 'average' rather than more fitting to your budget and desires, what this means is that per year, to live a good life, you will probably need around £20,600 a year.

So anything you can save this year will be a bonus next year. You don't need to save 7K and you don't need your parents to pay your way so you can live in a degree of luxury next year.

Do your parents value your profession or see it as a step down? I do find it strange that they are so wealthy & still plan to charge you rent. Would your sibling studying medicine also be charged?

I wouldn’t charge you anything as we do not need additional cash. Also you appear extremely sensible & hard working. If your parents are in a secure financial position I fail to see why collecting £30 a week from you makes you a better person.

Just to add: £100/month probably only covers the additional cost for ds' food (lots of extra milk, cereal, Irn Bru, crisps, let alone the meat and chips he has ).

£30 a week is nothing. I paid £300 a month 15 years ago when I worked full time and earnt £12k. My rent didn't cover food or access to internet.

They have said it's a nominal amount to show responsibility and it is very reasonable amount. It's not about weather they can afford to not charge it's about them wanting you not to be an entitled brat and trying to parent you. Bulking at such a reasonable deal shows it is definitely a lesson you need to learn in my opinion

It's not rent. It's a percentage of the groceries she will eat or elec and gas and water she will use.

Seriously??? Most people in the SGS I was in and then as a trainee all thought it was the easiest thing ever.

I’m the same as other here I wouldn’t if I was your DP as we could afford to keep you. But it depends if you DP can afford to do it or the money they ask for is needed to cover costs in the house. It’s not slot to ask for per a week

YABU. Your title is disingenuous. You’re not being asked to pay rent and I wouldn’t charge my adult DC rent in this situation. You’re probably just covering your food shop or any costs you actually increase. It’s hardly money in their pocket. You’re covering the bare minimum of costs. At 21, having supported you through uni, this is not unreasonable.

It really truthfully doesn't matter what we think. Unless you're compiling some sort of dossier to argue with your parents with.

If it helps I think they are being more than fair

Oh and I'd be expecting you to contribute more than cooking once a week - if you're eating their food I expect you to shop every so often too or failing that sort your own food. This is more a housemate situation.

I think your aim of saving so much out of your first year's grant is impractical. You have two years to get through and then you'll likely be earning decent money - I think that's what you said?

As a parent I wouldn't necessarily charge my adult children "rent"- they both live with us and at the moment the priority is to earn enough / establish themselves so they can at least pay for all personal items, socialising, clothes, phone, travel, entertainment etc (eldest does manage this plus pays for a good proportion of their food too).

We don't need the money ourselves. But I do see the value of helping them understand the realities of life. When / if they start to earn more and are still living at home, I would expect them to pay towards their share of household bills and food costs. Maybe this is what your parents are doing? Our current fuel bill alone would be approaching £30 each a week if divided between all four of us - we happen to live in a large end of terrace house which makes it higher than average and the costs would definitely be a lot lower if our two kids moved out. So your parents' £30 probably doesn't cover the additional expense of them having you there.

£30 a week is really nothing. And working 5 hours a week at Uni is nothing to shout about either. You are a grown up now so you should really start to act like one rather than relying on mummy and daddy to fund everything. Law is a well paying field so it might be worth borrowing to fund your first years of study. And you can always try to study on the commute.

I wouldn’t charge you anything at all

I believe in the long term my kids benefit from the financial freedom I am able to provide them by not charging them anything, They are all fairly realistic with money anyway and I think it is important they feel that I will fully support them until they no longer need it. Works very well for me - I think I am the odd Mummy out but I am very happy with my choices and with my kids.

Realistic with money whilst Mummy supports them "as long as is needed" (I presume you're talking about adults)?
Sounds unlikely.

Pay it, and be grateful.

I think £30 a week is really reasonable. I would pay up. If you don't like it I'd move out. I would not try and negotiate down a deal like the one you have. Welcome to the real world. I think you have great parents.

Some of these comments on this thread are insane, and quite spiteful. The OP has been berated for being spoilt, needing to grow up, not understanding the real world and needing to learn how to budget, despite the fact that in her OP she comes across as someone who is unspoilt, independent, extremely mature, sensible and hard-working.

If you were my daughter I’d be extremely proud of you.

As you’re still in full time education I personally wouldn’t be charging you rent as I could afford not to, the same as your own parents.

When my daughter started her Masters she was intending to get a job So that her dad and I wouldn’t have to subsidise her so much. When the course started she found the work load really intense and we all agreed it made better sense to focus on that then get a job.

OP is getting a £12k maintenance grant to do with as she wishes for her first year, so totally different to a Masters where you don’t get any money for maintenance, unless you count the tiny amount left after tuition fees are paid.

Your parents are being extremely reasonable; I know people who are paying an eye watering amount of rent to their parents to live at home; perhaps you need to think what your getting for thirty pounds each wee
meals x 3 per day; probably including snacks too;
your laundry;
electricity;
water;
gas;
contribution to council tax;
broadband;
tv licence;
Ok your trying to put yourself through university but it doesn’t mean your parents have to keep you for free; they’re absolutely right & personally I think you need a damned good reality check.

Well done OP for taking on different perspectives, it's a sensible approach. I would come at this from the perspective of:

• you've decided to save £135/week to put towards 2nd year costs
• you've then decided you can't afford £30/week rent contribution to household food & bills
• in your 2nd year you will be paid £154/week more than you are now
• you have also arbitrarily decided that the end of month 12 is the time to move out (rather than, for example month 16)
• your future earnings skyrocket within 3 years
• those completing your course without family within commuting distance of London will have no choice but to pay commercial rents for 2 full years, they will inevitably have to borrow to do this, as the cost of failure on the course from having a 2nd job is too high risk. they will not be socialising hard or travelling the country to visit boyfriends-keep this in mind when those from your university background start sneering at them for being teachers pet/never getting a round in/stressing too much about results!

So AUBU for not being able to find 30 quid a week to stick in the kitty for food in the cupboard at your parents? Yes.

But at least you're going through a sensible thought process about it all. Have another read of the above - especially the first 3 points - then look again at what you feel is a reasonable contribution towards your year 1 living costs.

And good luck, don't piss away a chance like this!