Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

I wish we had £70 a week "spare". Pay the going rate and be grateful you have the privilege of being able to save in the current economic crisis.

I don’t think you sound spoiled at all, you obviously want to work. I agree £30 is a token amount, but you say your parents don’t need it, which would be different. You are a student, I would be very proud of you if you were my daughter and I would want to help you, not charge you. I speak as a not well off lone parent who didn’t charge my ds when he was living at home doing his degree.

My son is coming home this weekend from Uni, he is 21.

I can’t afford to support him.

He will be paying me £50 a week and buying his own food.

Considerably less than he was paying for his 2 bed flat he was living in with his gf at Uni.

We charge our daughter board but she’s on over 30k. If she were on a training contract and earning 12k and having to save for the next year, we wouldn’t be charging her anything as it would be considered she’s still in education. Obviously if we needed it we would, but these parents don’t appear to. I’m all for adults contributing while at home but this sounds harsh to me.

Hi OP I haven’t read the full thread but have seen your posts and I appreciate the SQE being relatively new means that you won’t get much input from anyone as to course content etc.

First off, well done on securing a TC, it’s not easy.

I did the LPC over 2 years whilst working full time with a full case load in a law firm as I chose to live with my boyfriend. That was my choice and I could have lived at home, that was 8 years ago. My parents wanted a £50 per week contribution from me back then, to put into perspective.

It is great you want to live out next year and you are saving for this. However, at risk of being criticised by anyone on here, I’ll be honest and say once you’re actually doing your training contract it’s abundantly clear within law firms who has managed to maintain part time work whilst studying and the skills from that far outweigh the academics (provided of course you pass). I can tell 99% of the time if someone is fresh from uni/ SQE/LPC without part time work compared to someone who has. And the skills you’ll gain time management wise etc and as a switch off would suggest regardless of paying your parents, you might want to contemplate working part time. it will set you up so well when you come to start the TC.

City firms demand long hours- you may as well work out what that’s like now!

£30 is barely anything, I’d say £100 a week would be fair.

You could always pay them the 70 and save the rest for a house deposit if you stay with them for 2 or even 4 years? Your post qualification salary will make a huge difference- most trainees at our place live with mum n dad whilst paying them £500 a month or so for board, and save for a house which they buy when they qualify.

You could approach your firm for admin roles on an ad hoc basis too- doesn’t just have to be a pub/ hospitality work.

Quite honestly I feel there is still an element of trainees needing to muck in and start “from the bottom” with admin etc- yes they’re well educated an intelligent individuals but there’s nothing more refreshing than a trainee who has work experience (in any industry) and knows what it’s like to have a job, workplace culture etc. The clients love it too!

Good luck!

Another thing to add to my post- working part time definitely set me up for knowing how demanding law is.

my then boyfriend is now my Husband. He “gets it” because he’s seen me doing 70 hour weeks since I was 21.

I work long hard hours and with a child in tow, running a house is hard bloody work.

Getting some life skills including working, juggling, and home stuff instead of just studying whilst paying £30 a week has prepared me mentally for what is otherwise an incredibly tough profession, especially when balancing with family life.

You’re very privileged they can assist to subsidise you in this way, but that’s not always the best thing long term when you’re actually practicing as a lawyer!

Appreciate and thank your lucky stars they have provided opportunities for you.

I'd pay it and get a small job for few hours on weekend to help cover.

If it was my child, and I could afford it, I personally wouldn’t charge them anything as long as they contributed to cooking and cleaning of the house, and didn’t take the piss with using shit loads of energy and water.

Especially as it’s only for a year. If you wanted to stay indefinitely, then it might be a different story.

I would make this decision based on me making a conscious decision to have a child in a difficult economy who is going to find if difficult to buy a house and is going to be up to their arse in student debt.

Also all these people who are saying they’d charge £100 a week - they must be super nice parents. No way in hell would I pay £400 a month to live with my mum and I’d sooner go into a house share with strangers.

Have you gone through your budget with them? Do they know your plans. Share that with them.

I don't charge my adult children 22 & 20 anything but I spoke to them about it. I want to charge them a small amount and put the money in their LISAs. Maybe your DParents are planning to save the money for you?!

Hi OP, I get where you’re coming from. But they’re financially best off not supporting you at all. This last comment from you does seem entitled. I didn’t get a penny from my parents, and didn’t live with them, and I supported myself by getting a job. Would this not be possible for you?

I agree with @FoodFann ypir parents aren’t “better off”. They literally have been subbing you for years and offering to let them give you less really isn’t making them better off it’s being a less greedy leech, I suppose, but is that who you want to be? You want to save thousands of pounds by living at their expense.

Given the generational disadvantage you have compared to people graduating 30 years ago, I’d say it’s very unreasonable to charge a new graduate rent when your parents likely benefitted from significantly lower costs and housing. Even with a solicitors salary, you will likely never be able to afford a house on one income. Congratulations on the training contract by the way, incredibly difficult to secure! That being said, it’s not worth quibbling over £30 a week. Your parents likely see it as a courtesy which should be paid owing to the help they’ve given you so far. Would you have been in the position you are in now without their help and guidance? Pay it and save the negotiations for when you need help getting on the property ladder in a few years!

I can understand parents asking for rent if they financially need it. I can understand parents asking for rent if child doesn’t seem to respect the value of money. None of that applies here and they are being frankly mean and unsupportive to ask for anything whilst you are earning so little.

I’ve never charged rent to family. DD had to move back in with DH for months, we let them get on their feet. I’ve done the same for cousins too coming to the UK to start up a few times.
I’d only ask if I financially needed it. Otherwise I wouldn’t dream of it.
I was raised this way, and benefited myself many times and I hope my own children then support family themselves once they can. I mean- why not? If you can afford it?

@LadyJos

if it’s such a tiny and inconsequential amount, OP can just cough up then

If you think you can get a better deal than £30 a week, then go for it.

But you know this is enviably cheap, and are trying to find a way to make your parents look unreasonable.

But they aren't being. It's utterly normal for adult DC to pay their way. And you are lucky to have ones who are willing to charge you only a tiny fraction of what you would have to pay as a lodger anywhere else. Especially if it's including food.

I don’t think your spoiled at all.

People are coming at this from different perspectives - and some based on a different financial footing to your parents.

I wouldn’t charge you - my DS has been home this year on an internship earning more than your grant. We haven’t charged him because he is saving a good deal of his salary so that he doesn’t need to take out the maintenance loan or work during his final year at uni. All very sensible.

The days of renting a room in a houseshare for £400 pcm are long gone:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/property/article-11964267/Tenants-need-683-month-rent-ROOM-average-says-SpareRoom.html

@IAmTheBFG - my DD decided to go to university, we always told her, that we wouldn't be able to support her financially- even though according ro the government we should.

(I am sure our DD thinks we can aford her uni top up!)
She took a year out and had a job paying c14k for the 12 months.

We changed rent £50 month. She managed to save 8k for university.
My point is, if you really want something, you can do it
Times are though, but look on the bright side, you'll have a room at your parents, food, hot shower ect. These are big expenses, that will increase over the next 6-9 months - things you don't need to worry about while you're living with them.

All these people saying OP’s parents shouldn’t charge rent cos they don’t need the money. Well maybe they don’t need it right now but maybe they want to save it for their old age if they need carers etc
…or do some of you STILL view that as selfish?

I think you’ve missed my entire point…

Wait!!!.... Your parents want you to contribute approximately £4.29 per day towards electricity, heating, water, food, house repair maintainence and insurance internet and if im guessing probably sky, netflix or some other pay per view app..... £4.29???. Well!! .. How very dare they!!!

I know right!

id be embarrassed to be quibbling it

We charge DD £300 a month and she earns £1,300 a month, with her doing a few chores(we all work full time). We however have it in a separate account in case of emergencies eg appliance breakdown or car repair for our/her car. It is good for her to understand that rent/mortgage and bills have to be paid regardless and she needs to help out.