Dd thinks i'm tight. I think I'm sensible.

[malificent7]

Dp ( soon to be dh)and I earn £65,000 pa between us.We are lucky enough to have a mortgage and we went abroad last year.
Due to the rising cost of living we are scaling back. This year we are holidaying in a caravan holiday park in Cornwall for 5 nights. I shop at Lidl ( always have) and a bit of Tescos. I'm always looking for the cheapest product in supermarkets etc. Dd would live to shop Waitrose ( not happening and I love Lidl anyway.)

We have ditched our big white wedding for a simple registry office and restaurant with a 3 night stay in Devon air b and b for honeymoon.

Dd (15) is a bit sneery about this and says I'm tight. For context, some of her school friends are much better off and are going on a string of exotic holidays, festivals, shopping sprees etc. Some of them she describes as " old money."

Recently I went for a slightly better paid job but decided it wasn't for me as the commute was horrendous. I didn't get it anyway...Dd was incredulous that I didn't want a 2 hour hour commute each way for £5,000 extra a year.

She does work as a waitress so she knows how hard it is to earn ££. She wants to be super rich...fair play to her but Dp and I are starting to feel inadequate.

Aibu to think that I am being sensible...not tight and dd needs a reality check.

I do feel bad anyway that I didn't chase ££ younger but that was explained on another thread.

I think you're sensible but maybe should have a think about why you seem to feel intimidated by the opinions of a 15-year-old who has next to no experience of how the world works.

I would be telling her politely but firmly that you're sorry neither of you were born into 'old money' as that would certainly make a grand living a lot easier, but you won't be tolerating her sneering at your perfectly reasonable financial choices any longer.

When she has actually made enough money to afford the kind of fancy lifestyle she aspires to, she can cast judgement on your decisions. Until then she can button her lip or talk to thin air after you've walked away.

I don't feel intimidated...just irritated and it triggers my feelings of inadequacy about my career/ financial choices.

She sounds like a brat

That's your issue.

She's a teenager who knows nothing.

I have no idea why you are giving any of this headspace @malificent7 . When did you let your child have so much power over your decisions?

Are you happy with your wedding or are you moaning lots about all the stuff you can't have?

I do think there's possibly room for compromise. You budget sensibly, you earn decent money but you don't seem to get the enjoyment at the other end - so perhaps to her it defeats the object of working hard. Do you do any treat things as a family or is she constantly told you can't afford it?

And tbf 5 nights in a caravan in the rain is my idea of hell.

What on earth does it matter what a 15 year old thinks? She has no experience of the world.

Manage your money however you want and remind her of this when she's 30.

Well it depends on the mortgage and the post code. There's no set answer. 65k in our house would be comfortable.

She's 15. I wouldn't set much store by her opinion?

Teens think their parents are wrong/ idiots. They grow out of it.

When my DD was around the same age, I can recall her and her friends chatting in the garden about how cool it would be when they got to 18 and they could get their own place. I couldn't help but laugh and I asked them how much they thought they would need to move out and live in their own home, they had no idea and none of them realised that you paid for water because in their words "it comes out the tap why do you have to pay for it". I listed a few of the usual bills and the rough costs and they were gob smacked. I've sat with my DD a few times and discussed the bills, cost of living etc. Fast forward 4 years and my DD is now looking for her first job having completed her diploma at college and the first thing she said to me was that she would be happy handing me half of her wages to help with the bills as she knows how tough it can. I won't be taking money off her though she will pay for her mobile and Netflix, but it made me proud when she offered. We are not well off at all, however it is often those who don't have much who go on to have a rich & fulfilling life. Your DD will be fine just sit her down and learn her about bills and finances.

A lot of raising teenagers, I've found, involves a lot of deep breaths, eye-rolling and some disbelieving snorts- and that's from the parents.

Teenagers, bless their little cotton socks, have no idea how the world works-but they do have LOTS of opinions on things they nothing about, too. It can be very tedious- but this is how they learn.

My go-to response for anything like you describe was a brisk "Oh dear. I'm sorry you feel hard done-by. Look on this as your tale of woe and hardship. One day you'll be able to tell your children how very much you suffered growing up."

She's a teenager who thinks your only role in life is to provide for her. Point out that you would be a lot better off if you had never had her or did not spend so much on things for her. Keep track of what you spend on her for a few months, I would bet she has a disproportionate amount of your money.

You sound sensible especially in current climate. DD is 15, she needs to learn how to budget and prioritise spending for when she has to support herself. And be grateful for what she has which is a lot - a house, food; a holiday. You were right to turn down the job, that commute would be awful and eat up most of the pay rise. She needs to understand that being rich does not necessarily make you happy

I find this quite bizarre. Is your children seeing other places/cultures/lifestyles not important to you? if you couldn't afford it then fair enough but you said you can. Having a holiday every year is not important. Quality over quantity. If you just didn't have your shared family holiday in Cornwall or wherever every year (sound dull as hell) then you could not have one for a few years spend that money on a bigger holiday. Each to their own and that's just my opinion which I am sure you don't care for but I find your attitude so weird! Your teen must be so bored of your 'holidays'!

She’s 15. Why does it matter what a 15 year old thinks of your lifestyle choices?

Let her put your wage if she knows it into this

https://ifs.org.uk/tools_and_resources/where_do_you_fit_in

That will help her figure out where you land compared to others. Plus show her a salary calculator taking all that tax and national insurance, talk to her about pension contributions, monthly household bills from rent/mortgage (you could go on Rightmove so she can see the reality of wages vs what you can buy locally) utilities including water, council tax, broadband, mobile phone contracts, your food bill and petrol costs. also for us Denplan for the dentist. Then the yearly stuff like buildings and contents insurance, car servicing, tax and tv licence costs. Also any glasses prescriptions, school uniform costs, general clothing, how much household items costs like sofas, washing machines etc.

I think they love the idea of money coming in, what they don't consider is it going out. Both of mine when they were teens were told all of this. Ds1 is at uni and had money already in a LISA for a house deposit. They know that one meal out is 1/2 our weekly shopping bill. Have a lovely wedding day.

She's 15 and bluntly, knows nothing. I wouldn't entertain her sneery comments at all.

If she's old enough to be told the ins and outs of a role you have applied for, then she's old enough to be told that not only will the extra £5k be mostly swallowed up with commute costs, but that you're also allowed to have some quality of life. Also who will ferry her about if you're driving home from work?

Yet here you are judging someone else’s holiday in the UK as ‘dull as hell’ because they’re not going abroad. Does every holiday have to be abroad just because you can afford it?

Do you think that if I’m from London and I visit Scotland there isn’t going to be change in the place/culture and lifestyle. You should ignorant

I think it’s really important to educate our children about money. Schools don’t really discuss these life skills needed to function in the real world.
I understand some families can be quite private about their finances from their children but in my opinion the more open about it you are, the better.
From my experience my mum was open about the bills that needed to paid and showed me how she would write it down in her notepad, totalling each month. She would then allocate a budget for each expense. It really was a valuable lesson growing up and has helped me manage my money to this day.

You are not tight at all!

I don't think your DD is the issue here - it sounds like you wish you'd made different choices and are pissed off about the choices you did make.

If you were truly happy with your decisions you wouldn't be made to feel inadequate by a 15yo.

I am a firm believer in living to your means, being fiscally sensible, however, I really do hate it when people take 'joy' in saving as much as possible, spending hardly anything - a real miser. The people who know the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

You should have the wedding and honeymoon you can afford and want.

It's OK to spend a bit more on stuff that is valuable to you - be it holidays, food, cars, shoes, face cream - whatever you take pleasure in and you can afford.

15 year olds are often not the best cue for budgetary advice.

God I would far rather have a basic shit car yet have gone on lots of exciting trips around Europe with my children before they hit 13 and want to be off with pals.

You're not tight at all. She's 15 so knows fuck all about how expensive food/mortgage/bills are. She'd change her tune if she was the one paying for this.

Career and financial choices are all good things to discuss with a 15 yr old.
She’s not you and will make her own choices but things like ensuring you work hard at school to have best grades possible to keep doors open, thinking carefully about career choices and why women end up in lower paid professions etc are all good things to discuss.
I talk to mine about colleagues, family and friends careers and paths taken.
If you regret things be open about how it impacted you and what you’d do differently.