Lost my son this evening, and was in bits. AIBU ... he's nearly 40!!

[RainyWeekend]

Went out for very rare night out with just my 2 kids. Both their partners were otherwise engaged so it was just the 3 of us.

Had a lovely evening, but my ds went to the toilet and never came back! I waited 15 minutes then went to find him, and couldn't. There was no signal in the venue and couldn't get in touch, went to to the men's toilet to find him and couldn't find him anywhere.

I was distraught and felt like I did when I lost him for about 10 minutes in a shopping centre when he was 4! Panicked and worried.

Eventually got a message from him saying he'd gone home as he was ill, and didn't come back and tell me as he didn't want to get in the way of the other people at the venue. He obviously didn't realise I didn't have a signal.

Omg I burst into tears with relief! I just can't believe I was so worried about a man who is nearly 40!

Just though, no matter what age they are, they're still your wee boy.

I can't believe I reacted like I did. Was I unreasonable? Do I need a severe mumnset taking to and head wobble?

Absolutely. Stupid title by OP.

He was the unreasonable one to leave you waiting. He could at least have told you before he left.

I get this, my 21 yr old ds went to the doctors for blood tests last week, I was waiting in the car park for him to take him to work after because he didn’t want to drive after. He was forever, I went and checked if he was in the waiting room after half an hour, went back out to car waited another 15 mins, still no sign of him so had to go in and ask where he was. Turns out he hadn’t had a good reaction to having blood taken and had been sick and then passed out, they then had to get duty doctor to come and check him before they would let him go. I was really starting to panic, and after all that blood test haven’t shown anything.

That is very weird but glad he's safe

She was also distraught….

Methinks some people are being histrionic and unnecessarily nasty to the OP.

No matter how old they are, our children are our children, and mothers will always be mothers.

Don't forget that sometimes people go missing and are later found to have been kidnapped or killed.

OK, he did not contact her, but hey, we all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect!

If you can be anything, be kind.

I think you were being ridiculous. I'd have gone outside to find some signal before panicking about my adult son

There’s a lot of people missing the empathy gene tonight. The OP had a response to a previous experience, where she had genuine cause to panic. Her brain subconsciously went to a place 36 years, where her little boy was lost and reacted in the same way. This learned awareness of danger is what stops us walking across the road without looking.

Those who think she was ridiculous might find themselves similarly triggered by something else one day. Just not this.

There’s a good Ted talk about a man who went hiking in a forest. He felt a scratch on his leg. Two minutes later he collapsed - he’d been bitten by a snake.

Years later he was hiking in a forest. He felt a scratch on his leg. He collapsed again…but this time he’d been scratched by a twig. There was no snake.

Even though he’d not been bitten, his autonomic nervous system ‘remembered’ the last time and had the same response to perceived danger.

Perfectly normal to be upset, your son should have informed you.

He needs a wallop for not coming to find you! Doesn't matter what age they are, especially when you see all of these stories of men taking their life because of poor mental health. I think it adds to modern day worry. I feel you reacted perfectly normal.

I'm 37 and my parents and MIL react like this. MIL gave us a bollocking a few months ago for not telling her we arrived safely at a hotel, because we were travelling late at night.

Don't forget that sometimes people go missing and are later found to have been kidnapped or killed

That’s where your mind goes with a 40yo man in a restaurant bathroom? How many of these missing and killed people are middle age men taken from restaurant bathrooms?

Well I'm glad he's OK! If he had a badly upset stomach he probably took off in pain and embarrassment.
I'd be upset if my oldest daughter( mid 40s) disappeared in a similar way but then she is a little bit vulnerable.

Yes, YABU!

Oh dearvyou need a big head wobble. If a 40 year old man can't sort himself out on his own then you didn't teach him well.
Unfortunately mobile phone have now get people in a flat spin when you can't contact. 30 years ago we managed without these devices. The world doesn't end if you can't get through. You need to get a grip.

@TRexTara

I think was a natural reaction, OP bursting into tears when she finally knew he was ok.
The same thing happened to me when my DD went missing. She was 4 years old. She was playing in the garden. I called the police who came immediately, only to find her hiding under an upturned wheelbarrow.
It's sheer relief that triggers this reaction.

And, no matter how old your kids are, you still worry about them.
THAT NEVER STOPS.

My thoughts exactly when I read the title and the post.

Our care, our worry, never leaves we just try to remain calm, but we cant live their lives for them. Once a parent you become, it is PERMANENT Best wishes MUM.

You weren’t unreasonable at all.
I’d have been very concerned too but due to the poor mobile signal I’d have asked to use the restaurant landline to call him to check he was ok.
I’m guessing that option didn’t spring to mind due to the overwhelming feeling & that is totally understandable.

I am wondering if you are menopausal or dealing with anxiety within yourself & so finding some feelings & situations overwhelming within your daily life.
Even low B12 levels can make us more anxious so maybe get your bloods checked.

Deep breath, he is ok but your son could also have passed a message to a staff member to pass to you on the way out of the restaurant.
Chalk it up to a situation made worse by two thoughts & tech not connecting.

I lost my now 11yr old for about 10mins at a country fair in a forest when she was 5 so I can totally feel that feeling of fear & I will always feel it if I can’t find my child.
I am sure that feeling will live with me forever.

I am terrible for remembering to let people know I have arrived safely somewhere & I will take that rollocking then apologise every time as I changed the plan without informing others who care for me.
I have ADHD so my memory isn’t great & it isn’t that I don’t care I just don’t remember to call/contact people.
I’m terrible at keeping in touch in general 😬but I always think about those I love & care for.
It is like I mentally make contact with them but forget to add the actual action of making contact so doesn’t often happen.
I am working on it but after 40+ years i doubt it so something I will master 😝

A simple question. If you are out with your friends and decide to go home early, do you tell them that you're going? Or do you just disappear?

God, no you are mum. I would have worried as well. My son took a wrong turn when he was little, he followed someone, with the same coat as me,
I panicked, there was a cop car, I went to them to report him missing, 2 lovely ladies found him and brought him to the police car.
As my mum says, no matter my age, I am still her baby and she will worry about me. So you were right to worry, especially with no phone signal. At least he is OK. Even if he did give you a heart attack in the process.