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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost my son this evening, and was in bits. AIBU ... he's nearly 40!!

171 replies

RainyWeekend · 26/07/2023 23:17

Went out for very rare night out with just my 2 kids. Both their partners were otherwise engaged so it was just the 3 of us.

Had a lovely evening, but my ds went to the toilet and never came back! I waited 15 minutes then went to find him, and couldn't. There was no signal in the venue and couldn't get in touch, went to to the men's toilet to find him and couldn't find him anywhere.

I was distraught and felt like I did when I lost him for about 10 minutes in a shopping centre when he was 4! Panicked and worried.

Eventually got a message from him saying he'd gone home as he was ill, and didn't come back and tell me as he didn't want to get in the way of the other people at the venue. He obviously didn't realise I didn't have a signal.

Omg I burst into tears with relief! I just can't believe I was so worried about a man who is nearly 40!

Just though, no matter what age they are, they're still your wee boy.

I can't believe I reacted like I did. Was I unreasonable? Do I need a severe mumnset taking to and head wobble?

OP posts:
blackheartsgirl · 27/07/2023 01:51

titles a bit shit but I think posters are (understandably) getting worked up about that rather than posting sympathetic answers.

Fwiw op my 23 year old ds did a disappearing act after a night drinking with his work colleagues.

i lay awake all night worrying anyway as hes
not a drinker and easily led and then panicked at 6am when his gf phoned to ask if he was there and she was worried. None of us could get hold of him. My stepdad found him locked in a garage in his car at midday (his workplace where the drinking sesh took place and his mates had taken his keys off him). He’d been sick, was off his head on coke (also not like him) and was in a position where if had been sick again could have choked on his vomit. I cried when my stepdad phoned me. I was a wreck anyway as dh had just died.

you never stop worrying about your adult
dc. I am very close to ds, we live 5 miles apart and we see or ring each other most days and i get on well with my dil. But I don’t interfere with their lives

daisychain01 · 27/07/2023 02:10

StellaJohanna · 27/07/2023 00:35

Horrible clickbait title.

I agree, intentionally worded for clicks and lolz. There's no accounting for taste.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/07/2023 02:12

OMG I thought you meant he'd died!
I can understand you being slightly concerned but not after 15 minutes!
As for bursting into tears, I'm sorry but you're too enmeshed with him
Btw my eldest is 30

oakleaffy · 27/07/2023 02:19

Making out your son had died is not funny.

He is a middle aged man, not a child- Being in ''Bits'' is what one would be if a son died, not that he just buggered off home.

It's not cool to put triggering titles up.

Drama llama ish and attention seeking.

AngelAurora · 27/07/2023 02:22

19lottie82 · 26/07/2023 23:20

God I thought you meant he died!

Same!

Eastie77Returns · 27/07/2023 02:49

Are people on this thread deliberately pretending to be dense? There are exclamation marks in the title. They are normally used to describe surprise, joy, amusement or something dramatic but not a personal bereavement.

Obviously if OP was writing about her dead son she would not use them at the end of a sentence describing his passing or ask AIBU to be upset he passed away. Who in their right mind would do that?

All if this nonsense about triggering click bait🙄 I expect MN will delete the thread now.

MysteryBelle · 27/07/2023 03:09

He should have come back to your table and told you. Not send a text when he was right there. Yes I get your concern!

WhoIsCurrentlyCringing · 27/07/2023 03:14

RainyWeekend · 26/07/2023 23:29

Ok so was a wee bit tongue in cheek. But did burst into tears when I found out he was ok. But the point really was that even though they are big grown adults. You still worry like they are little kids.

No we were all stone cold sober. My daughter stayed in the venue. He's a good son and really didn't realise I didn't get his text.

For those asking about the toilets, I hung outside them to see if anyone came in or out but nobody did, so knocked on the door and slightly opened it, called his name and asked if he was ok. 4 bloody toilets!!!

You should seek a mental health professional who can treat you all.
This isn't remotely funny or entertaining.

Mumuser124 · 27/07/2023 03:14

@oakleaffy

how is she pretending her son died? she lost him, how else can she say it? She could of said son went missing this evening but she chose to say I lost him. That is what happened.

if she had said ‘son died this evening’ then that would be a different story.

ypure being deliberately obtusive.

muckerfish · 27/07/2023 03:38

Eastie77Returns · 27/07/2023 02:49

Are people on this thread deliberately pretending to be dense? There are exclamation marks in the title. They are normally used to describe surprise, joy, amusement or something dramatic but not a personal bereavement.

Obviously if OP was writing about her dead son she would not use them at the end of a sentence describing his passing or ask AIBU to be upset he passed away. Who in their right mind would do that?

All if this nonsense about triggering click bait🙄 I expect MN will delete the thread now.

if you clicked on it from trending, all you see is "I lost my son tonight." I thought he died based on the part that showed

Yerroblemom1923 · 27/07/2023 03:53

The title is fine. People are being deliberately obtuse.
I'm guessing he had an "accident" if he wasn't well so unable to come back to find the OP and wanted to get home ASAP. Perhaps he has Crohns or IBS.
I can understand your panic and concern. People don't usually just disappear on a night out!

HoppingPavlova · 27/07/2023 03:59

Anyone would have been concerned, for sure. But blind panic? He is 40yo. Surely, if you were calm and worked through logically you would have realised that the three main issues could not have possible occurred:

  1. he was abducted - given he is 40yo and not 4yo then no idea how that is possible unless significantly intellectually or physically disabled
  2. he ran away and got lost - not really relevant to a 40yo
  3. he had a medical crisis and was lying in the floor- in which case just get a staff member to check and that’s easily ticked iff

I have adult kids and while, they will always be my kids, no, I couldn’t see myself ‘in a blind panic’ about this as I would work through sensibly. I would definitely be perplexed, but not panicked.

Scalottia · 27/07/2023 04:48

You burst into tears? 🙄

Boomboom22 · 27/07/2023 05:02

WhoIsCurrentlyCringing · 27/07/2023 03:14

You should seek a mental health professional who can treat you all.
This isn't remotely funny or entertaining.

Show quote history

Bit out of order. If you wouldn't panic when whoever you are out with just disappears and doesn't come back you'd just be fine not care and head off home? If something did happen the police would be looking at you as the odd one here not op. Is it because it's late / early?

Aprilx · 27/07/2023 05:03

RainyWeekend · 27/07/2023 00:49

Blimey! Ok ok! I get that most think I'm being unreasonable to burst into tears with relief.

And that it has an almost "Sistine chapel screamer" kinda vibe!

I'd probably think the same if I read it.

But I genuinely had that blind panic reaction because I didn't know where he was. And yes I know he's nearly 40 not 4!

But there you go! He's still my wee boy and I can't help how I felt.

Your son is rude for just walking out like that.

You are out of order for creating a thread title like that, you know people really have “lost” their sons don’t you. Change your title for goodness sake.

peaceinourtime · 27/07/2023 05:33

This post shows the problem of people using the term lost when the person has died. When someone is dead their not lost their dead.

daisychain01 · 27/07/2023 05:41

It is not dense or obtuse to point out that if you habitually use Trending on the side bar to join a thread, and the title states "Lost my son tonight and I'm in ...." because it truncates to the first few words, then it's designed for clicks.

Maybe stop accusing people of being thick and obtuse and be a bit more observant about what is being said.

it is in poor taste, not least of all because the body of the thread then explains that the son is 40 years old, so overstated and dramatic. For clicks.

6WeekCountdown · 27/07/2023 05:43

I mean your title 🤣 come oooon now, it should read "my son got the shits whilst we were out for a meal, I'm a complete drama lama and panicked that he didn't return from the toilet after 15 min, he'd gone straight home as he had soiled himself". The use of the word distraught 🤣 and busrting into tears. What exactly did you envision had happened?

I got locked in a disabled loo for a similar amount of time with my 6 year old whilst out for a meal recently, my phone was on the table so I couldn't ring my husband, I had to wait until I heard someone going to the main loos and shout "we're stuck" 🤣🤣. My husband didn't even come looking as he isn't dramatic and thought one of us was probably having a poo in there. He only realised we'd been stuck when we returned to the table after the staff member had found a screwdriver to release us. He wasn't distraught and didn't cry when we returned.

FiveShelties · 27/07/2023 05:56

Yerroblemom1923 · 27/07/2023 03:53

The title is fine. People are being deliberately obtuse.
I'm guessing he had an "accident" if he wasn't well so unable to come back to find the OP and wanted to get home ASAP. Perhaps he has Crohns or IBS.
I can understand your panic and concern. People don't usually just disappear on a night out!

On Trending, I can only see the words 'Lost my son this evening and was in bi' which definitely read to me as though he had died.

Itsallok · 27/07/2023 05:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GoodChat · 27/07/2023 06:09

I don't think you were being ridiculous OP. You can't help your emotions. For whatever reason, they took over. It happens to us all sometimes.

I'm glad it was all a panic over nothing and hope you've got some sleep and can laugh about it this morning.

MonsterCalling · 27/07/2023 06:14

At the very least you might get @mnhq to change your ridiculously dramatic title. I thought he was dead.

pompomdaisy · 27/07/2023 06:18

I thought you were saying he had died! Then I was just confused 🫤

Clymene · 27/07/2023 06:21

If there was no signal in the venue, why didn't you go outside?

blacknredsweeties · 27/07/2023 06:21

You didn't lose him. He left you. Which is a strange thing to do.