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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost my son this evening, and was in bits. AIBU ... he's nearly 40!!

171 replies

RainyWeekend · 26/07/2023 23:17

Went out for very rare night out with just my 2 kids. Both their partners were otherwise engaged so it was just the 3 of us.

Had a lovely evening, but my ds went to the toilet and never came back! I waited 15 minutes then went to find him, and couldn't. There was no signal in the venue and couldn't get in touch, went to to the men's toilet to find him and couldn't find him anywhere.

I was distraught and felt like I did when I lost him for about 10 minutes in a shopping centre when he was 4! Panicked and worried.

Eventually got a message from him saying he'd gone home as he was ill, and didn't come back and tell me as he didn't want to get in the way of the other people at the venue. He obviously didn't realise I didn't have a signal.

Omg I burst into tears with relief! I just can't believe I was so worried about a man who is nearly 40!

Just though, no matter what age they are, they're still your wee boy.

I can't believe I reacted like I did. Was I unreasonable? Do I need a severe mumnset taking to and head wobble?

OP posts:
KingKhazi · 27/07/2023 06:26

I panic when I come out of a shop and my mum has moved on slightly and I can't see her. I'm 36 lol

MayThe4th · 27/07/2023 06:34

As usual on MN people are finding one tiny thing to pick at so the rest of the post is lost.

No, the title was not dramatic. It was nit designed as click bate, and made very clear that the OP was looking to see if she was wrong given he is 40.

And if the professionally offended on this thread actually bothered to read the rest of the thread they would realise that the reason why the title looks like that is because when a title is in trending only part of the title shows. A fact which most aren’t aware of if they don’t use trending, which most people don’t, they use most active.

So if anything the finger should be pointed at MN for designing trending topics in such a way that they will provoke this kind of response if the full thread title isn’t visible.

Mothership4two · 27/07/2023 06:38

MysteryBelle · 27/07/2023 03:09

He should have come back to your table and told you. Not send a text when he was right there. Yes I get your concern!

OP said rows so I assume they were in seats not at tables and she did explain why he didn't come back.

He'd already disturbed the other rows in the venue by going to the toilet before, he was feeling ill but thought he'd be ok. The second time he went to the toilet he was violently sick and decided rather than disturb the audience again, he would text me to explain he was driving home, not realising I had no signal. We came in separate cars.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 27/07/2023 07:00

I don't think the op was so unreasonable. In my own life I have known one relative never return home having been killed in a road accident, I witnessed another have a fatal heart attack and seen another suffer a stroke, thankfully he recovered but if someone disappeared suddenly, those experiences would pop back in my mind and I would worry that he'd been taken ill, maybe having a heart attack in a cubicle or something, and yes op your children are always your children and we worry. We may have to pretend we've accepted they have grown up but it's in moments of panic like this that our curtain comes down and our protective maternal instincts come rushing back.

CurlewKate · 27/07/2023 07:05

Sounds like very bad manners to me. I would actually have been angry rather than tearful-probably both! I would have been worried if I was out with a friend and that happened. The fact that it was your son is completely irrelevant.( whatever the how dare you have any feelings of any sort for your adult children brigade are going to say!)

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 07:05

YANBU, I would be the same as you op.

He should have let you know, or even just sent a text to let you know.

Duckafuk · 27/07/2023 07:10

Totally normal. Im in my 50's and a few months àgo was out shopping with my mum, who is in her 80's when she grabbed my hand to pull me away from the kerb 😂

FrivolousTreeDuck · 27/07/2023 07:11

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 07:05

YANBU, I would be the same as you op.

He should have let you know, or even just sent a text to let you know.

He did message the OP, but she had no signal.

Ducksurprise · 27/07/2023 07:16

You are using the word 'lost' as it is meant to be used.

I get it, it is dramatic and unreasonable but sometimes, even when our kids are grown up, the fear gets us.

I do wonder if those who are most critical about the fact he is 40 don't have adult children.

Bad things happen to people every day, just because he is 40 doesn't mean he is immune to this, so yes unlikely, but then I take it disappearing is very unusual.

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 07:17

@FrivolousTreeDuck ah I missed that but. If he did send a message then I do t think he's unreasonable to leave

nalabae · 27/07/2023 07:17

This is so cute although I'm sorry you felt panic. It's just nice to read your son is lucky to have a good mum

Questionsforyou · 27/07/2023 07:19

Duckafuk · 27/07/2023 07:10

Totally normal. Im in my 50's and a few months àgo was out shopping with my mum, who is in her 80's when she grabbed my hand to pull me away from the kerb 😂

That's so sweet.

Ducksurprise · 27/07/2023 07:20

londonba · 27/07/2023 01:26

The full title still suggests he died though it’s completely click bait

Show quote history

So you are disappointed he didn't?

Bloody hell, I can't believe the amount of posters that have clicked on a thread believing a son has died and then are cross he hasn't.

Elderflower14 · 27/07/2023 07:20

Duckafuk · 27/07/2023 07:10

Totally normal. Im in my 50's and a few months àgo was out shopping with my mum, who is in her 80's when she grabbed my hand to pull me away from the kerb 😂

My Mum is in her 80s and puts her arm across me when she slams the brakes on in the car! ♥

MBailey99 · 27/07/2023 07:32

You can't help how you feel OP. If you were in bits then so be it. Yes it may not be how many of us would have reacted, but you obviously care deeply for your son and his brief disappearance with no explanation worried you. No harm done and I'd certainly prefer my mother to react like this than to not care.

Jul8 · 27/07/2023 07:49

Your normal. Your reaction was a flash back to when your son went missing at 4. Your amygdala was triggered by similar circumstances. Taking you right back to that first moment. Your frontal cortex (thinking brain) goes offline and your survival brain takes over. (fight flight, freeze, defensive rage, fawn, response.) Loosing your son at 4 was a trauma. All information that came in through your senses at that moment in time were recorded by the amygdala as a threat. The similar circumstances happened and your brain reacted.

readbooksdrinktea · 27/07/2023 07:56

Namechangedforthis25 · 27/07/2023 01:15

What’s with the title

change it to: I couldn’t contact my son for 15 minutes and cried in a devastated panic

as per above YABU

This. Complete clickbait title.

He could have texted you sooner, but crying over this is a complete overreaction.

Mothership4two · 27/07/2023 07:58

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 07:17

@FrivolousTreeDuck ah I missed that but. If he did send a message then I do t think he's unreasonable to leave

It sounds like he had a stomach bug

Allthecatsandcosyblankets · 27/07/2023 07:58

I can understand why their partners were 'busy' 🤣 but very strange for him to just dissappear without letting you know. I suspect him and other son maybe fell out but both were protecting your fragile state of mind 🤣

nobodysdaughternow · 27/07/2023 08:00

It is really odd behaviour - he must have exited the toilets and walked straight out without even saying anything.

I would be really concerned he snorted something in the toilet then felt too off his face to rejoin you at the table.

Of course you were worried op - he acted secretively and his reasons don't add up.

My other guess is he's having an affair and didn't want you ringing his partner to check if he 'got home ok' after having to leave.

He is up to something - the sign is 10ft high and neon.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 27/07/2023 08:01

Elderflower14 · 27/07/2023 07:20

My Mum is in her 80s and puts her arm across me when she slams the brakes on in the car! ♥

Show quote history

Our yes, presumably you grew up in the pre-seat belt era too. That was my Mum's method of keeping me safe as a small child when I sat beside her in the front of the car.

CollagenQueen · 27/07/2023 08:03

Is he always so rude? Did he leave you to pay the bill, per chance? It's not normal behaviour , on any level.

Willyoujust · 27/07/2023 08:04

Very dramatic. He’s obviously shat himself so couldn’t come back into the bar to let you know. I can’t believe you’ve written a post about this non-story!

CollagenQueen · 27/07/2023 08:06

Oh scrap that, just seen update re rows of seats

GroutScrubberExtraordinaire · 27/07/2023 08:08

There we have it. Fully diagnosed within hours.

You're are too enmeshed with your son but neglect your daughter, you all need therapy, your son has clearly taken too much cocaine and shat himself.

Bloody hell 😂