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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist my husband not buy this desk?

161 replies

Mastmw7g · 26/07/2023 22:57

We bought a home. One of the rooms is very small and we agreed it would be a place for my husband to work as well as a room for guests, most notably my oldest daughter from a previous marriage who's 20 years old. Then someone my husband knows bought an expensive, massive desk he says he's going to get. There isn't even room for a sofa if he gets this desk. Also, it costs 30% of the whole budget for furniture for the new home. He suggested my 20 year old could sleep with her 10 year old sister when she visits. Or we could get a sofa bed downstairs. I never would have picked this house if I knew there wouldn't be a room for her to have privacy from her much younger brothers and sister.

OP posts:
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Codlingmoths · 27/07/2023 00:18

I like the idea of saying that fine as long as you’re happy to sleep in here and dd can sleep in with me when she comes. But if you don’t want that then this room needs to work for her to sleep or we just have to sell the house again. I agreed to buy it when there was a plan to have space for her to sleep, now you want to change that plan.

stand up for yourself!

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 00:20

She's only 20 - plenty of kids her age and older still live at home. I know, I have three of them!! I would always want to have a space where my adult child could come to stay if they wanted to.

@Mastmw7g I would also be raging if my husband wanted to spend that much on a work desk, and wanted it to be so large at the expense of my child! Anyway, why can't his employer get him a bigger one, as the he has isn't fit for purpose?

Could you run to a small garden office? An insulated shed? I'd actually blow the budget on something like that, because your husband working in that small room and you in your bedroom, sounds like a nightmare. You need to be able to separate both out.

saraclara · 27/07/2023 00:21

CoronationArmy · 26/07/2023 23:50

I must say I don’t think a 20 year old that lives elsewhere needs their own bedroom. The person who lives full time in the house and presumably has also paid for it should have a comfortable office space.

He can have s comfortable office space as stl leave room for a bed setter..And it's OP's house too, and it needs to meet her needs as well at his. And her need is to have her daughter visit. And a third of the entire furniture budget in one item that's is his alone (and means DD had nowhere to sleep) is just selfish. Presumably its also OP's money.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 27/07/2023 00:22

I am glad I made this thread. You all have really changed my perspective. I hadn't looked at his desk as crammed, but can see now that he needs a bigger desk. Not necessarily the exact one he wants, but I should be able to find a less expensive alternative.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 27/07/2023 00:34

FeigningConcern · 26/07/2023 23:46

I was with you until I saw his current desk. That is waaay too small. I couldn't work at that desk.

Is he sure he'll use the treadmill though? I couldn't walk and type at the same time.

Is there a link for the desk? Looks a good size and shape and I am in the market for a good corner sit stand desk.....

Neither could I. You cant even fit two monitors on it.
I think you need to reach a compromise.

Canisaysomething · 27/07/2023 00:38

He has a child sized desk!! Let the poor man have a bigger desk and have a pull out/fold out bed for DD.

justasking111 · 27/07/2023 00:40

OH and tell the eejit to spend his money on the chair which is far more important health wise

Devonshiregal · 27/07/2023 00:42

Initially I want to say I sympathise with you. My male counterpart had one of those desks when I met him. Took me years to get him to part with it and he still talks about it… I don’t get the obsession but it’s a man thing I think.

secondly, maybe this is me just not rolling with the times and I know I sound like a right dick, but he plays games and watches loads of videos on the computer? And he has tonnes of opinions which allow you little room for what you want. AND he wants to spend 30% of the house furniture budget on that desk??? Are you married to a 17 year old? Sounds unattractive at best.

btw our ginormous desk only cost like 100 quid. Don’t know what your budget is but I’m imagining more than a few hundred? Does the treadmill come with? (Can’t think of anything more stupid that thinking you can do work whilst walking…unless he’s a cold caller how can you read anything on your computer if your head is moving up and down with movement?

don’t get the desk. Every time you look at it you’ll feel resentment. It’ll be a huge (giant desk shaped) presence in your home. Just be prepared that he is now going to talk about this desk forever now. And pine over it if he doesn’t get it. Men are odd. Good luck!

Coyoacan · 27/07/2023 00:46

Viviennemary · 26/07/2023 23:33

If he has paid towards this house he should have the desk if he wants it. Presunably your DD has not invested any money in this house.,

Whoa! So the OP is not entitled to have her adult children stay?

Gymnopedie · 27/07/2023 01:11

Mastmw7g · 26/07/2023 23:21

@Brokendaughter He actually is the one who has final say on most furniture, because he has a lot of opinions. But it's more like I say something I want and then he says no, that sofa isn't comfortable enough to play video games on, I don't like round tables and want a straight edge, that wooden chair is painted white and I don't like white furniture. Then I have to keep making suggestions until he stops saying no.

And his good points are...? I'll wait.

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 01:16

Does he want it as a workspace or a play space? It sounds like he's trying to create a gaming den.

He needs to buy a desk within budget that leaves room for a bed.

I do agree his existing desk looks a bit cramped though.

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 01:18

That said, his existing desk would be less cramped if he used the space better. A lot of people work with less space than that.

He could move it further from the wall and put the laptop on the other side.

The desk could be exclusively for screens, and put the computer itself under the desk.

You could buy a cord caddy or basket so the space is clearer

It also needs a tidy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2023 01:20

The ikea desk looks like a good compromise. If he had something like this, could your dd stay? Have you looked into wall mounted beds rather than a sofa bed?

JudgeRudy · 27/07/2023 01:31

That's a difficult one. You say you would not have agreed to move to this home if there was no guest room available but it's a big ask to keep a room available for in case an adult family member (or anyone else really) wants to stay over. Did you have a guest room in your previous home? Did you actually agree this or did you just assume eg by saying oh, that little room could double as an office, or be a guest room for when Daughter visits.
That's not the same as stating its conditional on the move. If your husband needs an 'office space' I think that should take presidence over a guest room.
However, is there any particular reason your OH needs this special desk? Whats he using atm? You wanting a designated room just for your daughter seems a bit of a luxury, just as a huge expensive desk for DH does. I'd be more concerned about the expense.
Just a suggestion but could you have the desk in your bedroom and maybe remove a wardrobe to the tiny room. That way if it's that important to you (it's not to him) you can give up some of gour space for her. I'm guessing you probably wouldn't want to do that, so your BU in my eyes to ask someone else to give up a space.

JudgeRudy · 27/07/2023 01:36

Totaly · 26/07/2023 23:16

I think of you can use the room for both purposes then you should. There will be other desks that fit with a sofa bed.

Id hate the thought of my DD not being able to visit when she wanted to, and to force the exclusion over a desk is really unnecessary

The daughter can visit, just as anyone can. They just won't get a room to themselves. That's pretty normal for most families. You get round it by eg offering your guests your room and someone 'doubles up' or sleeps in the living room etc. Having a guest room is a luxury not a necessity.

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 01:47

For some people having a guest room is important. OP's DD is less likely to visit often if it is uncomfortable and there's no privacy.

They agreed it would be a shared space. It's DH who has decided to commandeer the whole room for himself, reneging on the agreement.

If it wasn't a suitable office/spare room then DH had his chance to raise that prior to purchasing the house.

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 01:48

@JudgeRudy

I think having a designated home office is a luxury not a necessity.

Most people I know wfh in a space that doubles up.

JudgeRudy · 27/07/2023 01:51

Plenty of kids older than 20 do live with parents (step?) yes, however she's not one of them! She has her own home.Having a spare room for guests (including family) is a luxury not an entitlement. There are families that have 2 extra children to fit in at weekends when a parent has visitation from kids from a previous relationship. Many of those don't get a room to themselves or even to share! This is a want.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 27/07/2023 01:56

As Dh wants a bigger desk and you would like your 20yr old not to have to share with a 10yr old ( quite right btw)
Dh is going to have to compromise.
Get an extra small side desk that can sit at right angles to his existing desk to form a similar working shape to the one he has chosen. When dd comes to stay the small desk can be moved elsewhere so she has room.

Then everyone compromises but also gets what they need.

To insist my husband not buy this desk?
AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 27/07/2023 02:03

Ps
Similar desks here in the uk cost less than £200, some are much bigger too. So a cost of 10 x that seems ridiculous. You could come to the uk, pick up a desk and personally get it back to the US for less that that. You’d also have time and money for some of our warm beer😀

IncompleteSenten · 27/07/2023 02:24

He needs a bigger desk than the one he's got but there has to be a compromise.
And maybe you need to start making the final decision sometimes.

daisychain01 · 27/07/2023 02:32

Beyond ridiculous to budget £7K for a desk, really?

I'd ditch the DH and free up all that space Grin

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 02:35

daisychain01 · 27/07/2023 02:32

Beyond ridiculous to budget £7K for a desk, really?

I'd ditch the DH and free up all that space Grin

That's an insane amount for a desk.

Go to ikea. As PPs suggested, buy something modular that can be adapted when it needs to be a bedroom.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/07/2023 02:36

Get the bigger desk and a Murphy bed/couch combo. That desk is actually a good choice because of the rounded indentation where you can tuck the chair in.

Also hate to that guy but I think you’ll find that your daughter visits less if you’re farther away. Clearly not a reflection of relationship but convenience and proximity

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