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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To add how would you deal with this?

135 replies

Uselessatthisstuff · 26/07/2023 20:57

DD(9) has kicked over a bottle of nail polish onto carpet in her room. Then scared to tell me so has made it worse trying to clean it up.

I will call cleaning companies tomorrow to see if it can be sorted.

My question is how would you deal with DD?

Yes it was an accident - but - she’s been told before not to mess with varnish/makeup in bedroom (couple of priors with eye makeup that I’ve been able to clean up)

I’m furious, she seems to thinks because she’s said sorry and ‘it was accident’ that’s it dealt with. DD is now cuddling up with DH on the sofa watching a movie.

She needs to learn that actions have consequences. How do I deal with the situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Uselessatthisstuff · 26/07/2023 20:58

Title should say ask not add

OP posts:
GoneWithTheWin · 26/07/2023 20:58

It was an accident

her evident guilt is punishment enough

tell her not to risk it again

Angryappendix · 26/07/2023 21:01

She’s 9, it was an accident.

She’s scared to tell you because of how you have made her think you might react.

Sprinkles211 · 26/07/2023 21:02

The kid accidently spilled something then tried to clean it up so you wouldn't find out, your punishments are already stopping your child from communicating with you, this is a non issue and could happen to anyone you need to work on communicating better with her so she can come to you or your going to spend her teenage years and 20s effectively cut out from her life because she fears *disappointing you more than seeking your help

TeleTropes · 26/07/2023 21:03

Nail polishes are kept out of reach, need to be asked for and only used with supervision.

Tangled123 · 26/07/2023 21:03

I wouldn’t punish your daughter over this. The child was either trying to be helpful by trying to clean up or was afraid of your reaction. A punishment would reinforce her fear if that was the case. I would be calm with her, emphasise she should come to you if it happens again in the future but tell her you will have to punish her if it does happen again (her not telling you).

SiblingFights · 26/07/2023 21:03

She's 9. It was an accident. She tried to put it right. I'd be more concerned that she's scared of your reaction.

Natural consequences - a stain on her carpet that she has to live with, and no more nail polish would be not approach.

HaPPy8 · 26/07/2023 21:04

Hairspray got nail polish out of my carpet

Zanatdy · 26/07/2023 21:04

This happened in my house. No punishment no, accidents happen. Remove the nail polish and just take it out when you do her nails if you want to avoid a repeat. Not sure what punishment you’re thinking of?

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 26/07/2023 21:04

I hope you have binned the lot op.
Cuddling up watching a film isn't really much of a lesson imo.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/07/2023 21:05

I think I’d remove the make up and nail vanish until old enough to follow my instructions- then leave it at that.

Wolfiefan · 26/07/2023 21:05

She was scared to tell you. That speaks volumes.
If she can’t be trusted then remove the stuff from her room.

Overthebow · 26/07/2023 21:06

I wouldn’t punish her, it was an accident. There’s a bigger problem if she’s scared to tell you something like that.

Original poster
Uselessatthisstuff · 26/07/2023 21:07

I’m not necessarily talking about ‘punishment’ but learning from this.

She’s been told before not to mess about with make up and varnish in her bedroom. The accident happened because she disobeyed and did it anyway.

We did the calm reaction the previous times.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2023 21:07

It was not just an "accident." It was negligence and disobedience. She had been told before not to use nail varnish in her room.

What "evident guilt?" The child thinks because she said "sorry" there's no issue and it's all forgotten. That is not how the world works.

She's 9, well old enough to have to learn that your choices can have consequences you may not like. I think you should devise an appropriate consequence for her actions, such as no more playing with make-up or nail varnish at all for the foreseeable.

Hercisback · 26/07/2023 21:07

Why was she so scared to tell you?

Doesn't sound like anymore punishment is needed.

Hercisback · 26/07/2023 21:08

Take the make up and nail polish, she can only have them when supervised.

Chickenlegsandthighs · 26/07/2023 21:12

Does she get pocket money? You could tell her she needs to use that money to pay for the clean up (depending on how much it is), a stand to put her nail varnish in and a ‘mat’ to use it on eg a mouse mat or a cutting mat or something works well and can be bought cheaply from so many shops. Tell her where she can use the makeup and nail varnish using the stand and the mat and if there’s any more accidents/negligence she will have all makeup and nail varnish taken away.

latetothefisting · 26/07/2023 21:12

I'm going against the other posters. She deliberately disobeyed you, she didn't tell you because she knew she was in the wrong, that doesn't mean she's scared of you or you're some overauthoritarian cruel disciplinarian! Like if I messed up in work it would be quite normal to think 'oh fuck' and dread telling someone more senior no matter how nice they are or how well they react.

Definitely remove all nail polish and make up if it's currently in her room, and only let her use it under supervision, she's 9 anyway ffs, she hardly needs make up every day. Maybe a contribution from her pocket money if you have to pay to get the carpet replaced? If the make up was already in your room and she deliberately snuck in to get it despite knowing she wasn't allowed I'd probably be stricter again.

Original poster
Uselessatthisstuff · 26/07/2023 21:15

She was scared to tell me because she knew she’d been doing something she’s been told off about before. She’s nearly 10. She’s not exactly being apologetic about it. It’s an otherwise immaculate not old and not cheap carpet ruined. She won’t care what it looks like but I do!!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2023 21:15

Wolfiefan · 26/07/2023 21:05

She was scared to tell you. That speaks volumes.
If she can’t be trusted then remove the stuff from her room.

Don't be ridiculous. It doesn't speak to anything. Most children, when they know they have done something they shouldn't have, are fearful of their parents finding out. In a happy and healthy household/family dynamic, it's because the child is afraid of disappointing their parents, not because of whatever punishment they may get. The child isn't afraid of the parents.

GoneWithTheWin · 26/07/2023 21:19

I think I’m looking at this through the lens of mother of adults tbh

it really is no biggie (for me - I appreciate why it would be annoying to others).

there are bigger fish to fry and this is an opportunity to let her know you’re pissed off, but get that accidents happen - that’s why, for now, she can paint her nails in the bathroom only (or something)

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 26/07/2023 21:19

Well she can’t be trusted to have access to nail varnish/make up again, can she? That would be the first consequence. I’d also ask her to use her pocket money (if she has any) towards cleaning.
I have a 9 year old and would be disappointed if she deliberately did something she knew she wasn’t allowed to do.

Original poster
Uselessatthisstuff · 26/07/2023 21:21

She’s not frightened of me, it’s a happy normal household. But yes I am furious about it and her almost shrug of shoulders it was accident attitude is not helping. How do kids learn that actions have consequences if I just shrug it off and say yeah don’t worry about it. I was looking for ideas for a balanced response to it. I’m surprised how many of you would be so relaxed about it.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 26/07/2023 21:25

I'd just cut of her access to make-up and nail varnish for the foreseeable. There are far better things for nine year olds to be doing with their time anyway.

I'd try to keep consequences as natural or logical as possible.

If you want to go further than that have her contribute to getting it cleaned.

Is this part of a wider problem of her not doing as she's told? If she's otherwise a good kid I'd not overdo it. If this is a straw that broke the camels back situation then maybe a harsher punishment (using pocket money to pay to clean the carpet) is in order.