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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To add how would you deal with this?

135 replies

Uselessatthisstuff · 26/07/2023 20:57

DD(9) has kicked over a bottle of nail polish onto carpet in her room. Then scared to tell me so has made it worse trying to clean it up.

I will call cleaning companies tomorrow to see if it can be sorted.

My question is how would you deal with DD?

Yes it was an accident - but - she’s been told before not to mess with varnish/makeup in bedroom (couple of priors with eye makeup that I’ve been able to clean up)

I’m furious, she seems to thinks because she’s said sorry and ‘it was accident’ that’s it dealt with. DD is now cuddling up with DH on the sofa watching a movie.

She needs to learn that actions have consequences. How do I deal with the situation?

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/07/2023 13:13

DD went into town yesterday with DH and family friends and bought a bottle, I didn’t know she had it

All this blaming your dd when its actually your Husband to blame?

Shame on you.

beeswaxinc · 27/07/2023 13:17

Uselessatthisstuff · 26/07/2023 21:07

I’m not necessarily talking about ‘punishment’ but learning from this.

She’s been told before not to mess about with make up and varnish in her bedroom. The accident happened because she disobeyed and did it anyway.

We did the calm reaction the previous times.

Well you obviously are talking about 'punishment' because learning from this would be that she doesn't have the nail polish unsupervised/in her room anymore

OverCCCs · 27/07/2023 13:18

An analogy, for those of you struggling to understand why it’s appropriate to have consequences for an accident if the accident is committed whilst also breaking the rules.

Say you’re at a gallery and some lovely glass sculptures by a famous artist are on display on a shelf out in the open. Obviously you aren’t supposed to touch, but you decide to pick one up and examine it anyways. But, oops! You accidentally drop it and it shatters!

Would you truly argue that the museum would be unreasonable for taking some sort of action against you, be it having you pay for what insurance doesn’t cover, apologise to the artist, or ban you from the premises—even though breaking the sculpture was an accident?

It’s the same with the OP’s daughter. By disregarding rules that were in place to prevent this very scenario, an accident occurred.

Growlybear83 · 27/07/2023 13:20

Of course the daughter is to blame if she had previously been told she must not take nail varnish into her bedroom. But I would also be very angry if my husband had allowed our daughter to buy any form of makeup at nine year old! I know many children start to show an interest in makeup at a young age but that doesn't make it appropriate for them to use anything like that at primary school.

Original poster
Uselessatthisstuff · 27/07/2023 13:22

How is DH to blame?
I’m starting to understand why OPs on other threads get so exasperated.
Let me repeat for the final time
the issue isn’t her having/using/knocking over the mail varnish. The issue is that she used in IN HER BEDROOM despite having been told, more than once before, that make up is a bathroom activity and nail varnish is done at the kitchen table.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2023 13:24

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/07/2023 13:13

DD went into town yesterday with DH and family friends and bought a bottle, I didn’t know she had it

All this blaming your dd when its actually your Husband to blame?

Shame on you.

The op never said her daughter couldn't have nail varnish. She told her daughter that she wasn't allowed to use it in her bedroom, which the daughter knew full well.

Pack it in with your "Shame on you" bollocks.

DoraSpenlow · 27/07/2023 13:25

NotTodaySanta · 27/07/2023 13:08

Who punishes you when you accidentally spill something? Or is it one rule for you another rule for her? Not great parenting op.

Well, you punish yourself by having to sort it/pay for it.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/07/2023 13:26

Of course your Husband is to blame!

He allowed her to buy it, he allowed her to take it to her room, he never told her to take it to the bathroom and it could only be used in the kitchen. Why is that?

Of course she would want to use it when she got home, it was new, she was excited and your useless Husband didn't remind her of the rules.

NotTodaySanta · 27/07/2023 13:27

DoraSpenlow · 27/07/2023 13:25

Well, you punish yourself by having to sort it/pay for it.

Show quote history

That's not a punishment that's just being an adult.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/07/2023 13:28

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2023 13:24

The op never said her daughter couldn't have nail varnish. She told her daughter that she wasn't allowed to use it in her bedroom, which the daughter knew full well.

Pack it in with your "Shame on you" bollocks.

Show quote history

Nope.

The child is getting blamed and the op wanting to 'punish' her because her idiot Husband allowed this to happen.

I'm out, this thread is utterly frustrating me.

Original poster
Uselessatthisstuff · 27/07/2023 13:28

@ZeroFuchsGiven I just think you’re being deliberately obtuse now.

OP posts:
UrsulaIsMyQueen · 27/07/2023 13:32

I think it’s pretty obvious that @ZeroFuchsGiven doesn’t expect her children to take responsibility for their actions. I imagine she’s one of the parents who goes into school when their child has been told off complaining that it was the school’s fault and not the child’s.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2023 13:32

Uselessatthisstuff · 27/07/2023 13:22

How is DH to blame?
I’m starting to understand why OPs on other threads get so exasperated.
Let me repeat for the final time
the issue isn’t her having/using/knocking over the mail varnish. The issue is that she used in IN HER BEDROOM despite having been told, more than once before, that make up is a bathroom activity and nail varnish is done at the kitchen table.

So you do natural consequences. No nail polish for X because she's shown she's not old enough to look after it. You can't do anything on the day the carpet needs replacing because you have to be in for the carpet man. There isn't money to do extra stuff because you've had to find money for the carpet.

I would have told her off at the time and raised my voice because I'm not a perfect parent. Knowing DS he'd have got upset, apologised and I'd have explained why I'm upset. Given it was an accident and he was trying to sort it, that and natural consequences would be adequate.

You seemed upset she was sat cuddling up with daddy. Do you expect him to ignore her, or for her to be crying her eyes out in her bedroom? What did you want your DH to do - does he have a habit of minimising any attempt at discipline?

Mischance · 27/07/2023 13:32

The absence of a punishment is not necessarily shrugging it off. I am sure that she already knew it was wrong or she would not have hidden what she did; and I am sure that subsequent conversations made it clear to her that she had made a mistake in taking it to her room - all of which is reasonable. But an actual punishment seems out of order to me.

rosewatergin · 27/07/2023 13:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/07/2023 13:35

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 27/07/2023 13:32

I think it’s pretty obvious that @ZeroFuchsGiven doesn’t expect her children to take responsibility for their actions. I imagine she’s one of the parents who goes into school when their child has been told off complaining that it was the school’s fault and not the child’s.

That is actually hilarious Grin

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 27/07/2023 13:38

Glad I amuse you ☺️.
It’s irrelevant who bought the nail varnish. She knows she is not allowed to use the nail varnish in her bedroom, but she did it anyway. Fairly mild misdemeanour as things go, but she still disobeyed clear instructions.

Original poster
Uselessatthisstuff · 27/07/2023 13:38

Not annoyed she was sat on the sofa cuddling up with DH, just clumsily saying carrying on as normal as if it wasn’t a big deal.

Anyway I’m out, I’m realising that AIBU is not the place for reasonable discussion anymore.

OP posts:
UrsulaIsMyQueen · 27/07/2023 13:39

Uselessatthisstuff · 27/07/2023 13:38

Not annoyed she was sat on the sofa cuddling up with DH, just clumsily saying carrying on as normal as if it wasn’t a big deal.

Anyway I’m out, I’m realising that AIBU is not the place for reasonable discussion anymore.

It never was, to be fair. Hope the nail varnish comes out OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2023 13:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

She isn't scared her mother is going to beat her black and blue, she's just a typical kid who knows she's been naughty and doesn't want to be found out. Even if OPs reply was "I'll love you forever but right now Mommy has to clean this up" she'd still know she'd been naughty and not followed the rules, sufficient for many kids to not want to admit it

Gcsunnyside23 · 27/07/2023 13:49

Why is everyone on here so dramatic? Obviously the child was scared to say as they didn't want told off as they knew they were in the wrong and would get in trouble for it as she should as she went against the rules. I'd remove the nail polish and maybe remove something she enjoys like if she has a couple of hours tablet time then it's gone for a day or so. Yes it was an accident but there should still be consequence for breaking a rule

Destinedforfakeness · 27/07/2023 13:59

I think you're getting annoyed op because Yabu. A kit of that age can be told not to do stuff but she will still do it. She need better supervison. Which is your husband's fault he shouldn't have bought her nail varnish and let her have it in her room.

It's interesting you will defend him but not your daughter an actual child...

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 27/07/2023 14:00

Destinedforfakeness · 27/07/2023 13:59

I think you're getting annoyed op because Yabu. A kit of that age can be told not to do stuff but she will still do it. She need better supervison. Which is your husband's fault he shouldn't have bought her nail varnish and let her have it in her room.

It's interesting you will defend him but not your daughter an actual child...

i can tell my 9 year old not to do stuff and she won’t do it. She’s not a toddler. A 9 year old is perfectly capable of following a rule not to use nail varnish in her bedroom. People have low expectations of their kids on here. Do you expect them to do things their teachers tell them not to do, too?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 27/07/2023 14:12

Destinedforfakeness · 27/07/2023 13:59

I think you're getting annoyed op because Yabu. A kit of that age can be told not to do stuff but she will still do it. She need better supervison. Which is your husband's fault he shouldn't have bought her nail varnish and let her have it in her room.

It's interesting you will defend him but not your daughter an actual child...

I couldn't agree more with this!

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 27/07/2023 14:16

Genuinely shocked at the low expectations people on here have of their 9 year olds. You can’t expect them to follow simple rules? You should supervise them fully at all times and remove all temptation because they can’t be expected to follow rules? Weird.

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