To want alone time in new relationship?

sgtz · 2023-07-26T15:50:15+00:00

Expecting to be told IABU but some outsider views would be good! Been seeing a guy since April-ish so very new. I’ve been single for about 5 years prior to this, so very much independent, used to being on my own and if I’m honest, quite enjoy being on my own! So it’s taken some getting used to… he’s very much the opposite to me! Would happily spend every min of the day with me, whereas I like and very much need my alone time. I’m a single mum and only have a day at the weekend to myself, and I’m struggling with feeling like an asshole for not spending every one of those weekend days with him - I know it’s only once a week, but when it’s my one day to myself I feel almost resentful for giving it up! He usually stays over the night before too, and I never sleep great with someone else in my bed - so it’s giving up that one night of guaranteed good night sleep with the toddler at their dads. I feel like I’m pushing him away with my need for alone time, but also feel like his need for me to spend time with him is almost suffocating. Not sure I should be feeling this way in such a new relationship, but he really is lovely and treats me so well and everyone that’s met him so far seems to love him too. Just not sure what to do or if I’m being totally unreasonable or not.

Original poster

sgtz · 26/07/2023 16:51

He’s also invited me on a weekend away with his parents to meet them for the first time and I’m panicking a bit as it all feels a bit too much too soon, but is that just because I’ve been on my own for soooo long… feel like I’ve lost sight of what’s normal!

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Titicacacandle · 26/07/2023 16:54

Are you not that into him OP? I think you're going to end up with the ick soon.

Whataretalkingabout · 26/07/2023 16:55

Trust your own feelings OP. You do need alone time. It 's never a good idea to be pressured in any relationship, especially not in a new one. Take your time.
Don't go meet his parents until you feel ready.

Original poster

sgtz · 26/07/2023 16:55

@Titicacacandle I think I want to be… which I know is the wrong answer really!

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LobsterCrab · 26/07/2023 16:57

Do you see him at all during the week? If not, then I think once a week is reasonable except when there's a particular reason not to meet up that week. But if you do, then I think it's fine to claim some of that time to yourself.

Original poster

sgtz · 26/07/2023 16:58

I think the ick might already be setting in, I’ve been avoiding having sex with him recently and when we do, I’m a bit like meh, let’s get this over with. I feel awful because I WANT to really like him, and now it feels like there’s pressure because my family know about him and they’re all so happy I’ve ‘finally found someone’ - I can just imagine the reactions and eye rolling when I say I just wasn’t that into him..

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Thepeopleversuswork · 26/07/2023 16:58

Of course. Alone time is critical. And WAY too soon for meeting parents. Feels like he’s lining you up as his new mum.

I would find someone wanting to be with me 24/7 horribly stifling and oppressive. Throw him back and find a grownup.

Original poster

sgtz · 26/07/2023 16:59

@LobsterCrab I usually see him briefly during the week, but maybe just an evening when my toddler is in bed or something brief. I just can’t shake this feeling of being disappointed that I’m not getting my alone time, rather than being excited to see him. I think I know why it is, it’s just really disappointing to admit to.

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Original poster

sgtz · 26/07/2023 17:02

The thing that set me off today is that he works shifts, usually includes Saturdays but he’s taken almost every Saturday off when he stays over the Friday, or swaps to a later shift. So then I end up losing my fri night and all day Saturday. I got annoyed today because he asked if he could stay over Friday and I said yeah, what time is he working on sat, and he said oh don’t worry about it. So I was like, why have you booked it off again?! I’d have been much happier if he’d left at 4am and I could have gotten a bit more sleep and then had the day to myself. It feels so overbearing. But I also feel mean for thinking that as he’s just trying to spend time with me!

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Whataretalkingabout · 26/07/2023 17:04

Stop seeing him if he turns you off. Listen to your feelings. They are the only thing that counts. Who cares what your family thinks? It is your life.

TaigaSno · 26/07/2023 17:06

It's perfectly normal to want (need!) some alone time. If you only have one day each week to have time alone then that's what you should do with that one day.
If you new boyfriend cannot respect your boundaries around this one thing then the relationship is not going to work.
Reading your updates, I don't think this is the relationship for you anyway. Please don't stay with him out of convenience or because your family like him. And please don't have sex with him out of duty or obligation. A new relationship should be fun and exciting - this one isn't for you.
Parenting a toddler is hard work! Why not stay single for a while longer, concentrate on your toddler during the week, then really enjoy that one day each week to yourself.

pinkyredrose · 26/07/2023 17:07

It isn't working. You're not right for each other.

Whataretalkingabout · 26/07/2023 17:08

@sgtz you are not being reasonable! Don't let him impose his will on you. If you don't want him staying the night , just tell him. It will be an interesting test to see how he reacts. Will he respect your choice or throw a manchild fit?

Brightandshining · 26/07/2023 17:08

He is not treating you well if he's not respecting your boundaries and need for space. Be careful because this type of shit from men often becomes controlling behaviour later down the line.
I am someone who needs a lot of alone time and I've had partners who though seemingly nice to begin with, who have reacted very badly to that... and I look back at the relationships and how they escalated into being quite abusive and wished I realised... its not sweet if someone directly ignores your wishes or explanation of why you need space... its creepy and invasive.
I have been married to a lovely man for many years now who treats me with respect and doesnt act like a child if I say I need alone time or I go and do an activity by myself. Dont settle for less.

ymemanresu · 26/07/2023 17:08

You need to him you need some space , if he's a decent guy he will back off. The time apart will give you a chance to see if you miss him or not.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 26/07/2023 17:08

sgtz · 26/07/2023 16:58

I think the ick might already be setting in, I’ve been avoiding having sex with him recently and when we do, I’m a bit like meh, let’s get this over with. I feel awful because I WANT to really like him, and now it feels like there’s pressure because my family know about him and they’re all so happy I’ve ‘finally found someone’ - I can just imagine the reactions and eye rolling when I say I just wasn’t that into him..

So it isn’t just alone time, you also don’t want to have sex! This is very early days to feel this way. You’re just not that in to him and he needs to know!

CalistoNoSolo · 26/07/2023 17:10

Whataretalkingabout · 26/07/2023 17:04

Stop seeing him if he turns you off. Listen to your feelings. They are the only thing that counts. Who cares what your family thinks? It is your life.

This 100%. If you feel one day a week is too much then that is an absolutely valid way to feel.

Original poster

sgtz · 26/07/2023 17:12

I think I already knew this but didn’t want to admit it. I just feel absolutely guilt ridden as he’s so lovely, he can’t do enough for me. But at the same time, it almost feels like too much. He’ll cut my grass just so he can see me, and admits to that, which makes me feel a bit put off! Flowers for no reason fairly often, told me he loved me after about a month. We’re just on opposite ends of the spectrum here I think.

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TwilightSkies · 26/07/2023 17:13

Do you actually WANT to be in a relationship? Or do you just feel like you should want to because it’s the ‘done’ thing and he’s a decent guy.
I love being single and cherish my alone time, I doubt any man can change that.

Whataretalkingabout · 26/07/2023 17:14

It's called 'lovebombing' . Read up about it. Get some distance. Then take care of your wonderful self and DC.

Heavensalongwayaway · 26/07/2023 17:16

You are entitled to do what you want you know? So what if he’s disappointed? So what if you family eye roll? It’s your life and you only get one so just do what makes you happy .

billy1966 · 26/07/2023 17:16

Be very very careful OP.

You appear to think you are not entitled to your feelings.

You barely know him and you are spending friday nights AND Saturdays with him?

Thats a huge amount.

I used to date and gonhome alone, or he'd get a taxi home when I was dating my husband of 30 years.

We were going out 6+ months before we slowly increased the time spent together.

Too much too soon is very vulnerable tobthe Ick, which you have.

But it can happen easily.

Also he is hugely presumptuous that you want to spend your free Saturdays with h just cos he has rearranged his shift.

He may be nice, but he is taking liberties by being presumptuous.

End it and look at your boundaries.

Too much too soon rarely ends well IMO.

Look at doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you grow comfortable with what you want and need.

No one is entitled to your time and a relationship with you.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Branleuse · 26/07/2023 17:17

It sounds like youre not on the same page. You want different things and certainly at a different pace. You cant help how you feel. You dont owe him anything.

pictoosh · 26/07/2023 17:25

sgtz · 26/07/2023 17:02

The thing that set me off today is that he works shifts, usually includes Saturdays but he’s taken almost every Saturday off when he stays over the Friday, or swaps to a later shift. So then I end up losing my fri night and all day Saturday. I got annoyed today because he asked if he could stay over Friday and I said yeah, what time is he working on sat, and he said oh don’t worry about it. So I was like, why have you booked it off again?! I’d have been much happier if he’d left at 4am and I could have gotten a bit more sleep and then had the day to myself. It feels so overbearing. But I also feel mean for thinking that as he’s just trying to spend time with me!

I think you're absolutely right. What adult behaves like that? It's unrealistic, desperate and too intense.

How would he react if you said, "I think you should go to work."

ManateeFair · 26/07/2023 17:30

sgtz · 26/07/2023 16:58

I think the ick might already be setting in, I’ve been avoiding having sex with him recently and when we do, I’m a bit like meh, let’s get this over with. I feel awful because I WANT to really like him, and now it feels like there’s pressure because my family know about him and they’re all so happy I’ve ‘finally found someone’ - I can just imagine the reactions and eye rolling when I say I just wasn’t that into him..

OP, this is absolutely not the basis for a good relationship. Just because this bloke was the first person you dated properly after a long period of being single, that doesn't mean you have to just settle for him! You don't really want to be with him and you will both be incredibly unhappy if you spin this out. You need to end it.