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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want alone time in new relationship?

153 replies

sgtz · 26/07/2023 16:50

Expecting to be told IABU but some outsider views would be good!

Been seeing a guy since April-ish so very new. I’ve been single for about 5 years prior to this, so very much independent, used to being on my own and if I’m honest, quite enjoy being on my own! So it’s taken some getting used to… he’s very much the opposite to me! Would happily spend every min of the day with me, whereas I like and very much need my alone time. I’m a single mum and only have a day at the weekend to myself, and I’m struggling with feeling like an asshole for not spending every one of those weekend days with him - I know it’s only once a week, but when it’s my one day to myself I feel almost resentful for giving it up! He usually stays over the night before too, and I never sleep great with someone else in my bed - so it’s giving up that one night of guaranteed good night sleep with the toddler at their dads.

I feel like I’m pushing him away with my need for alone time, but also feel like his need for me to spend time with him is almost suffocating. Not sure I should be feeling this way in such a new relationship, but he really is lovely and treats me so well and everyone that’s met him so far seems to love him too. Just not sure what to do or if I’m being totally unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
SplendidUtterly · 26/07/2023 17:30

I remember dating someone like this a few years ago.
He literally wanted us to be together every evening of the week despite me not even getting home from work until 7pm some days and don't get me started about his expectations of the weekends 😬
I tolerated it for 6 months or so because he was a nice guy at heart.....NEVER AGAIN THOUGH.

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 17:35

@pictoosh thats pretty much what I said today when he told me, that he should go to work! He just said shh and then told me not to be a dick when I said maybe he shouldn’t stay over Friday then and we can just spend Saturday together, but not both. He laughed it off but if I said I was serious then he’d make me feel like I was being a dick about it.

Things have intensified recently as he’s looking at moving (renting) to the town where I live, which I think is another thing setting my alarm bells off because it’s all just too intense and overbearing. I thought maybe it was just me and I was being daft. I’ve felt so sick all day today and I’m wondering if it’s anxiety because I know that I need to end things before it gets worse, but I get myself in such a flap about it. We had a chat a few weeks ago about me finding things too intense and needing to just chill out, and he said he would but it’s just not happening.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 26/07/2023 17:36

Whataretalkingabout · 26/07/2023 17:14

It's called 'lovebombing' . Read up about it. Get some distance. Then take care of your wonderful self and DC.

Nothing the OP has written suggests 'love bombing'.

Finnegans · 26/07/2023 17:37

Agree strongly with @billy1966 — I think he sounds presumptuous and overbearing.

SavBlancTonight · 26/07/2023 17:37

At best, you simply aren't compatible and you don't like him enough to give up your alone time.

At worst, you are being pressured into things you don't feel comfortable with, and this will escalate. So now it's every weekend but next it's feeling bad about choosing your monthly girls night instead of being with him or feeling you have to be cuddling on the sofa all the time you are together.

Bin him and move on. He may be lovely but he's not for you.

GalileoHumpkins · 26/07/2023 17:38

Just finish with him, you don't like him, he squicks you out. Things aren't going to improve.

MardyMcBlowdry · 26/07/2023 17:39

This one isn't a keeper. You're avoiding sex and he's too full-on. Throw him back OP. You'll find someone else when it's the right time and the right person.

pinkyredrose · 26/07/2023 17:39

He just said shh and then told me not to be a dick when I said maybe he shouldn’t stay over Friday then and we can just spend Saturday together, but not both

Fuck that shit.

sodthesodoff · 26/07/2023 17:43

He's not lovely

He dismissed your feelings by shushing you and saying don't be a dick

Fucking hell how can you call him lovely

He's creepy and quite frankly dangerous because he has no respect for your boundaries

Oh and saying I love you after a month. Not lovely. Creepy af

TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 17:45

End it today, he doesn't respect you or your feelings at all by the sounds of it.

He can fuck off with the shushing, what a prick.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 26/07/2023 17:45

It's a horrible feeling isn't it, @sgtz - when you have a visceral response to compromising yourself and your wants and needs? But that response is also valuable, because it's a fantastic barometer of when you're losing sight of what's really important to you.

No relationship is better than one that makes you feel this uncomfortable.

Whataretalkingabout · 26/07/2023 17:46

@GalileoHumpkins Did you read all of the OP's posts?? She mentioned him wanting to cut her grass in the first month and buying her flowers several times for no reason on top of wanting to spend every minute of the weekend with her. So that is not lovebombing to you ? It is to me.
Besides, who cares what you think.

yellowsmileyface · 26/07/2023 17:49

TwilightSkies · 26/07/2023 17:13

Do you actually WANT to be in a relationship? Or do you just feel like you should want to because it’s the ‘done’ thing and he’s a decent guy.
I love being single and cherish my alone time, I doubt any man can change that.

This.

Further to sounding not that into him, you don't sound that into the prospect of a relationship. A few of your responses have related to what others will think. Have you been feeling some societal pressure to find someone and settle down?

I similarly always end up feeling resentful giving up my precious alone time for a man, no matter how lovely he may be, and it's been a wonderful recent realisation to realise I don't have to.

Fannyfiggs · 26/07/2023 17:49

He fucking shooshed you?? Nope nope nopity nope. Get him to fuck and I think you'll need to do it in a way where there is no room for him to (try and) misunderstand what you mean.

Olika · 26/07/2023 17:50

By what you have told I think you know the answer... if you truly and organically were into him, we wouldn't be having this thread. To me it sounds you are trying to make it work and feel something you are not. The sooner you say no to wrong men the sooner you can meet a right man. Smile

Emmamoo89 · 26/07/2023 17:51

Definitely end it if you're not happy. He sounds like a creep

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 17:52

@yellowsmileyface definitely societal pressure, as well as the stigma of being a single mum. Being told I should be lucky that someone has ‘taken us both on’ etc. Have come to realisation that I was much happier prior to this relationship, when I was on my own and focused on me, my toddler, work and my business. I’m only early 30s but feel like I’m always pitied for being single when really, I loved it!

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 26/07/2023 17:55

God, the more you tell us about him the less lovely he seems. I'd have kicked him out for calling me a dick. Enforcing your boundaries is never a dick move, and it sounds like he is happy to trample all over them to get the result he wants. Time to end things with him.

SavBlancTonight · 26/07/2023 17:57

sgtz · 26/07/2023 17:52

@yellowsmileyface definitely societal pressure, as well as the stigma of being a single mum. Being told I should be lucky that someone has ‘taken us both on’ etc. Have come to realisation that I was much happier prior to this relationship, when I was on my own and focused on me, my toddler, work and my business. I’m only early 30s but feel like I’m always pitied for being single when really, I loved it!

Yeah, SIL stuck with wanker ex for a long time and one of reasons was being told constantly by the rest of her family that she should be grateful he was willing to.put up with her because she is so difficult.

Funnily enough, I haven't ever argued with PIL about me/dh/dc but this one enraged me and words were had. A few times.

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 17:57

@Whataretalkingabout the more I think about it, the more warning signs I’ve chosen to ignore I think. Constant texts, messages like ‘hello??’ And ‘what’s wrong?’ If I don’t reply within 30 mins or so. Then saying he was just joking when I call him out on it. Wanting me to meet his kids far too quickly. Badmouthing his exes. It feels like he does lot of ‘things’ for me just to try and make me feel like I ‘need’ him.

OP posts:
Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 18:00

I’m getting a bit emotional on this thread, I’m really sorry! I was expecting to be told I was being mean and horrible and that the poor guy just wants to see me, but I can see now that it’s less about that and more about a lack of respect for my boundaries and that’s just not acceptable.

OP posts:
MsMarch · 26/07/2023 18:01

I was going to ask if he has a "crazy ex". Men like this usually do. Because at some point she stopped accepting his controlling behaviour and that would have absolutely INFURIATED him.

It's been 3 months. You owe him nothing. And tell your family they should have higher standards for you - you are happy and successful as a single mum, unless a new man makes your life even better, why would you want him?

Finnegans · 26/07/2023 18:03

sgtz · 26/07/2023 18:00

I’m getting a bit emotional on this thread, I’m really sorry! I was expecting to be told I was being mean and horrible and that the poor guy just wants to see me, but I can see now that it’s less about that and more about a lack of respect for my boundaries and that’s just not acceptable.

Good for you, OP. Go and reclaim your life and enjoy your free time.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/07/2023 18:05

Being told I should be lucky that someone has ‘taken us both on’ etc

Well for a start I'd be having short sharp words with those people who imply that just because you have a child you should be cravenly grateful that someone 'takes you on' as if you're some sort of social outcast.

I’m only early 30s but feel like I’m always pitied for being single when really, I loved it!

There are lots of threads about the joys of single life on here, OP. Look them up and have a read.

Constant texts, messages like ‘hello??’ And ‘what’s wrong?’ If I don’t reply within 30 mins or so. Then saying he was just joking when I call him out on it

Yuk. 'Just joking.' The clarion call of the bully. He's swamping you and you aren't comfortable with it.

Peachy2005 · 26/07/2023 18:05

OMG, everything you tell us makes it sound worse…end it today and you will be free before the coming weekend. What a relief it will be!

Decide on a stock phrase to say to these people who make you feel “less than” for being single. “Mind your own business” works really well but maybe you would prefer something less confrontational. Good luck and have a great weekend this week xx

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