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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want alone time in new relationship?

153 replies

sgtz · 26/07/2023 16:50

Expecting to be told IABU but some outsider views would be good!

Been seeing a guy since April-ish so very new. I’ve been single for about 5 years prior to this, so very much independent, used to being on my own and if I’m honest, quite enjoy being on my own! So it’s taken some getting used to… he’s very much the opposite to me! Would happily spend every min of the day with me, whereas I like and very much need my alone time. I’m a single mum and only have a day at the weekend to myself, and I’m struggling with feeling like an asshole for not spending every one of those weekend days with him - I know it’s only once a week, but when it’s my one day to myself I feel almost resentful for giving it up! He usually stays over the night before too, and I never sleep great with someone else in my bed - so it’s giving up that one night of guaranteed good night sleep with the toddler at their dads.

I feel like I’m pushing him away with my need for alone time, but also feel like his need for me to spend time with him is almost suffocating. Not sure I should be feeling this way in such a new relationship, but he really is lovely and treats me so well and everyone that’s met him so far seems to love him too. Just not sure what to do or if I’m being totally unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
pippinsleftleg · 26/07/2023 18:56

And what’s that saying ‘no-one falls in love faster than a man who needs a place to live’

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/07/2023 19:01

He’s got ‘cocklodger’ written all over him! He wants you to feel super loved and invite him to move in. You’d be saddled with him

I wouldn't mind betting OP would be doing childcare when he has his kids, either.

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:01

I’ve sent a message. He’s already tried phoning. I’m a bit worried he’ll rock up at the house at this rate.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 26/07/2023 19:02

He wants to be with you , you don't want to be with him/anyone . Be cruel to be kind , set him free .

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/07/2023 19:03

sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:01

I’ve sent a message. He’s already tried phoning. I’m a bit worried he’ll rock up at the house at this rate.

You've got this and we're behind you.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 19:06

sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:01

I’ve sent a message. He’s already tried phoning. I’m a bit worried he’ll rock up at the house at this rate.

Good for you, have a think about what you are going to enjoy doing by yourself this weekend.

EmmaEmerald · 26/07/2023 19:06

sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:01

I’ve sent a message. He’s already tried phoning. I’m a bit worried he’ll rock up at the house at this rate.

Do you mean you sent a message ending it?

EllaB22 · 26/07/2023 19:07

You are doing the right thing ending it, he is not respecting your boundaries!

Fatat40 · 26/07/2023 19:07

sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:01

I’ve sent a message. He’s already tried phoning. I’m a bit worried he’ll rock up at the house at this rate.

Good for you.

You don't owe him anything. Stand firm and call the police if necessary

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:07

Yeah, I’ve sent a message ending it. He’s tried to call twice and left a voicemail begging me not to end it, saying we can fix it etc. I do feel awful because it’s not a nice thing to do, but at the same time I feel a massive sense of relief - so I know I’m doing the right thing.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 26/07/2023 19:08

It doesn't seem like you really want a relationship with him and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't sound like he's asking for too much of your time, he wants this relationship and for whatever reason you don't. If you fancied the pants off him I bet you'd be only too pleased to give up your 'me' time.
Don't worry what other people think either it's your life.

AgnesX · 26/07/2023 19:10

sgtz · 26/07/2023 16:58

I think the ick might already be setting in, I’ve been avoiding having sex with him recently and when we do, I’m a bit like meh, let’s get this over with. I feel awful because I WANT to really like him, and now it feels like there’s pressure because my family know about him and they’re all so happy I’ve ‘finally found someone’ - I can just imagine the reactions and eye rolling when I say I just wasn’t that into him..

If you don't actually really like him already, either throw him back or backpedal and take it slower (which might end up as the same result).

Peachy2005 · 26/07/2023 19:12

Text him once more saying not to call again and not to show up, then block his number and do not answer the door!! Lucky escape!!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/07/2023 19:12

left a voicemail begging me not to end it, saying we can fix it etc

Cheek. He won't even allow you your decision, will he? if I were you and I felt charitable I'd politely say there's nothing I want to fix, decision is final.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 19:13

sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:07

Yeah, I’ve sent a message ending it. He’s tried to call twice and left a voicemail begging me not to end it, saying we can fix it etc. I do feel awful because it’s not a nice thing to do, but at the same time I feel a massive sense of relief - so I know I’m doing the right thing.

You are doing the right thing, hold on to that feeling.

CalistoNoSolo · 26/07/2023 19:14

Stay strong @sgtz you're definitely doing the right thing. If he shows up at your house I would advise not letting him in or even answering the door. Any communication can be done via text.

Peachy2005 · 26/07/2023 19:15

I mean, I just had to go back to your first post to double-check…you’ve only been seeing him since this April!!! You don’t owe him anything - he’s acting like you’re suddenly ending a 3-year relationship. Well done to you though 🍀

Ace56 · 26/07/2023 19:17

Good for you for ending it.

I would make sure not to rush into anything new too quickly, as it sounds like you actually don’t have much time/inclination to be in a serious relationship atm. If realistically the only proper time you have to see a man would be a Saturday, you need to be prepared to give up your alone time which it sounds like you don’t really want to do! Just be single for a while - who cares what your family think.

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:19

@Ace56 yes, absolutely! Unfortunately it’s taken me seeing someone to realise that I was much happier single, and that I do not have the inclination for a relationship at the moment. I’m too busy, and happy that way!

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/07/2023 19:19

I do feel awful because it’s not a nice thing to do

OP - my husband when he walked out cleared all his stuff and left me a letter on the dining room table to find when I came home. THAT is not a nice thing to do. What you have done is a perfectly normal way to end what is a brief relationship you don't want to continue.

FairAcre · 26/07/2023 19:23

You have been single for five years and yet you have a toddler?

HundredMilesAnHour · 26/07/2023 19:23

Or he's just not the guy for you. Just because he's 'nice' and you should like him doesn't mean you do. We can't be attracted to someone on demand, that's not how it works.

Bin him off. Then enjoy your Saturdays!

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:24

@FairAcre yep! The result of a very casual situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:25

Annoyingly I’ve got an Amazon delivery due in the next half hour so having to sit with my blinds open to keep an eye out, but also wish I could just close them and go to bed so that if he turns up I can ignore!

OP posts:
Jk987 · 26/07/2023 19:25

Not the point but how are you single for 5 years but with a toddler?