To want alone time in new relationship?

[sgtz]

Expecting to be told IABU but some outsider views would be good!

Been seeing a guy since April-ish so very new. I’ve been single for about 5 years prior to this, so very much independent, used to being on my own and if I’m honest, quite enjoy being on my own! So it’s taken some getting used to… he’s very much the opposite to me! Would happily spend every min of the day with me, whereas I like and very much need my alone time. I’m a single mum and only have a day at the weekend to myself, and I’m struggling with feeling like an asshole for not spending every one of those weekend days with him - I know it’s only once a week, but when it’s my one day to myself I feel almost resentful for giving it up! He usually stays over the night before too, and I never sleep great with someone else in my bed - so it’s giving up that one night of guaranteed good night sleep with the toddler at their dads.

I feel like I’m pushing him away with my need for alone time, but also feel like his need for me to spend time with him is almost suffocating. Not sure I should be feeling this way in such a new relationship, but he really is lovely and treats me so well and everyone that’s met him so far seems to love him too. Just not sure what to do or if I’m being totally unreasonable or not.

Good for you. You are smart and seeing through the cloying fog of his intensity.
Everything you've described points to a demanding man who wants to dominate you.
"Hello??"
Fuck off.

Sounds like you've gone off him and you haven't realised yet.

So what if everyone loves them. They can have him velcro to them if they want.

Between him and, it sounds like, your family, it seems you have been programmed to expect little and give lots.

Break the cycle now and perhaps spend some Time thinking about how you got here. Its 100% OK to have preferences and boundaries in a relationship.

Has he started talking about maybe moving in together when he moves to your town....?

Run OP. Run like you are Forest Gump.

Just dump him - youre very clearly over it.

@SavBlancTonight funnily enough, it has come up. I told him point blank he’s not moving into my place when he mentioned moving (he lives with his mum just now). He was quite offended that I wasn’t considering it and kept saying how much better off I’d be with his income - I’m absolutely fine on my own, and honestly he isn’t in the best position financially with debt and 2 lots of child maintenance to pay!

Ah, hello and welcome op, welcome to the realisation that being single is nicer. You're very lucky - most of us need an ltr, divorce and menopause to get there!

He's a dick and you, rightly, don't even like him. Fuck whether you 'should' or not. You don't. Dump.

You don't need him or his audacity, you are find just as you are with your toddler.

honestly he isn’t in the best position financially with debt and 2 lots of child maintenance to pay!

The plot thickens. He's looking for a nice cosy billet where YOU pay the bills.

It's ok for heavy relationships to not be your thing. You've not had a serious relationship since before your daughter was conceived so I'm assuming she was a happy suprise vs the product of a long relationship that went wrong further on. How serious and long was the one before him? Have you properly gotten over him? Would you be happier with something more casual?

I think you "see" the outside which supposedly is a nice guy but your gut is telling you differently.

Please listen to your gut. I was in a similar position and told myself I was the issue if I was trying to walk away from someone who was obviously so nice BUT years down the line I realised my instincts were warning me off a controlling man.

@sgtz you should end it tonight and block him . Don’t waste another weekend .
If you stay a minute longer he will
jave total control over your life before you know if.
Tell your family and friends you don’t want to just be with anyone to make others happy . Your daughter comes first and you have to choose very wisely .
Stay strong and say NO
Good luck
oh and what are you going at the weekend?
Long lie wine in a bubble bath.
Whatever you like .!

Also remember you don’t have to explain
yourself just tell him it’s over and it’s not what you want. Keep repeating when pressuresd then block him

He sounds clingy, pushy, and overbearing. I am not surprised you don’t enjoy spending time with him and I think it’s very odd he wants you to meet his parents, and talk about moving in together, after just a few months. Back away before this completely gets out of hand…

Not going to comment on his or your behaviour, but does sound like it’s not really the right relationship for you.

However. Many people will say stuff like ‘if you’re into him you will want to spend every other day together’ etc when talking about dating more generally. Or ‘move in together/ meet kids within a year’. You don’t have to listen to this people or let society dictate to you how your relationship should be.

My now DH came out of a tough long relationship and I was the first person he dated. Similar for me. We’re both quite independent, he is a bit more like you and likes alone time, I’m a bit more ‘needy’ but still also like my own space.

So initially we dated once a month, and as we let our guard down more we increased it to once a week gradually. Always quite short dates (a few hours) but always quality time, and talking daily. 6 months before either of us stayed over, and over a year before meeting kids. I was impatient with the slowness at first and felt abnormal when my friends met people and were joined at the hip/ moving in together after 6 months, or like he wasn’t that into me. But several years in we still had passion and newness and I really learned to embrace the slow, cherishing every date, every time together feeling memorable. And our relationship many years in is fantastic and I’m so glad I listened to him and we didn’t rush it because of society’s expectations. We even did the ‘living together apart’ thing which really helped with prolonging that romantic stage and each having their own space and time too.

You sound like a busy mum so don’t compromise. Your own identity and time to yourself is important. The frequency of seeing someone isn’t the same as the quality of that time. So if you find someone you truly click with and can be yourself with, the right person will respect your scheduling preferences. It’ll probably just have to be someone who’s a little more on the same page.

Please get rid of him by phone or text before this weekend and don't let him come round. He's so overbearing and is trying to erode your boundaries. I honestly wouldn't want him in my house again. You don't know him well enough to know how he will react when you end it. He sounds awful.

I don’t even know what to say to him. We had a chat a few weeks, maybe a month, ago where I was on the verge of ending it but I guess he talked me round and I felt like I was being silly. But I remember him saying he’d have been really annoyed if I’d done it over text or phone. I don’t want to let it fester til I see him at the weekend though.

Please don't do it in person. Who cares if he's annoyed if you do it by text or phone. He'll probably cry and start telling you his life will be shit without you. Not your problem!

Don't let him dictate to you

He doesn't want it over text or phone because it's harder for him to get his own way. That's all.

He knows in person you would find it harder.

Look back at everything you've told us. This is not a nice man.

I would have said do it in text anyway. Be prepared for the onslaught though.

I would have something in place and expect him to be volatile

See op. That's controlling.

He doesn't get to decide how you end it.

You do.

He can be annoyed all he likes!
You end it the way YOU feel most comfortable, you owe him fuck all, the bastard has been trying to manipulate you from the start and doesn't care about your boundaries or feelings.
Stop feeling awkward and start getting justifiably angry with him, he deserves no less.

Follow your gut op. Nothing wrong with wanting alone time, as often as you need it. I feel suffocated just reading your message to be honest, however nice he may be.

@sgtz why should what he wants get to trump what you want?

Who cares if he’s annoyed? Not you because you won’t be seeing him again.

Send a quick text and then block - this could all be over in five minutes.

Ugh he sounds awful. He has sold himself as a ‘lovely bloke’ but he’s really not. He has no respect for your boundaries. He is rushing the relationship. He’s got ‘cocklodger’ written all over him! He wants you to feel super loved and invite him to move in. You’d be saddled with him.

I clicked the thread based on the title..I am an introvert. I enjoy time to myself. I’m a single parent (older kid). I met someone almost a year after I split from DC’s Dad. We live apart and only really saw each other EOW for the first few months because we didn’t want to introduce the kids too soon. I love his company, he’s great! But I still need some space. I like my evenings to myself. I send him home on a Sunday afternoon so we both have a bit of time before the kids come back. I wondered initially if this was just an introvert/extrovert difference but it isn’t. It’s someone trying to convince you they’re amazing and everything you want whilst not actually listening to what you want. The texting would drive me mad, he is hounding you.

I can never wait to end a relationship. I had to bide my time with marriage. I would just text and say that it’s not working for you, you’re not feeling what you should be feeling at this point. Make it about you so he has no come back of ‘I can change’ or any crap like that. Then block him!

Dear X I have decided I don’t want to continue in this relationship. I wish you well for the future.

send

block