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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want alone time in new relationship?

153 replies

sgtz · 26/07/2023 16:50

Expecting to be told IABU but some outsider views would be good!

Been seeing a guy since April-ish so very new. I’ve been single for about 5 years prior to this, so very much independent, used to being on my own and if I’m honest, quite enjoy being on my own! So it’s taken some getting used to… he’s very much the opposite to me! Would happily spend every min of the day with me, whereas I like and very much need my alone time. I’m a single mum and only have a day at the weekend to myself, and I’m struggling with feeling like an asshole for not spending every one of those weekend days with him - I know it’s only once a week, but when it’s my one day to myself I feel almost resentful for giving it up! He usually stays over the night before too, and I never sleep great with someone else in my bed - so it’s giving up that one night of guaranteed good night sleep with the toddler at their dads.

I feel like I’m pushing him away with my need for alone time, but also feel like his need for me to spend time with him is almost suffocating. Not sure I should be feeling this way in such a new relationship, but he really is lovely and treats me so well and everyone that’s met him so far seems to love him too. Just not sure what to do or if I’m being totally unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 26/07/2023 19:27

what a rollercoaster reading this thread, so proud of you (is that weird to say) that you put yourself first when I got to the end of your updates! The more I read the more I thought oh god he’s sounding very intense, especially bad mouthing exes and the. Doing jobs you didn’t ask for like “look how lucky you are”. More power to you for being happier in yourself and sticking to your gut!

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:28

I think he’s blocked me. He said to let him
know what he can do to change, he’ll do anything not to lose me. I told him bluntly that I don’t want him to, and that I don’t want this. Awkwardly had to ask if he still wants an order for his mum that he’s got in through my business, but think I’ll just cancel and refund that one..

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 26/07/2023 19:28

You're in no position to have a serious relationship really. There's no right or wrong about it but there's not many people would be content long term with seeing someone just one night/day a week....and even that's too much.
I'm curious, how did you actually end up together?

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:29

Oh shit, not blocked. His profile photo was of me and him so he’s deleted it. Was hoping I was blocked so he didn’t say anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:30

@Jk987 casual sex, contraceptive failure, we get on fine as co-parents but not as partners!

OP posts:
Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:31

@JudgeRudy youre right, I’m just upset with myself that it took for me to actually get into a relationship to realise that I don’t have the time nor the desire to sustain one. We met on a dating app.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 26/07/2023 19:32

Planning your first proper meeting with his parents (or anyone really) as a weekend away is ridiculous. Far too much pressure.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/07/2023 19:34

JudgeRudy · 26/07/2023 19:28

You're in no position to have a serious relationship really. There's no right or wrong about it but there's not many people would be content long term with seeing someone just one night/day a week....and even that's too much.
I'm curious, how did you actually end up together?

OP isn't obliged to account for how she conducts her relationship to anyone.

Peachy2005 · 26/07/2023 19:34

If you’re wishing he had blocked you, just block him…why wouldn’t you?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/07/2023 19:35

He said to let him know what he can do to change, he’ll do anything not to lose me

Oh look, The Script.

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:37

@Peachy2005 he has some stuff here so I guess I wanted to keep a line of communication open so he could collect it? I might just pop it in a bag and leave it in the porch though.

OP posts:
SilverOnToast · 26/07/2023 19:38

So glad you ended this, OP! No one has time for this kind of shit.

And to the pps questioning the logistics; many people have babies outside of relationships. And it’s 2023. No one has to “take anyone on”. It’s totally reasonable to want to have a normal, non-intense, chill relationship without giving up all weekly me-time.

rosao · 26/07/2023 19:41

Well your thread has taken a turn....

I think it's understandable to need time to yourself, we all do. But when you only have one day a week to offer I think it would be difficult to maintain a relationship tbh.

Likewise if I was in a relationship with someone I would except to see them at least once a week. So I don't think he's wrong on that point.

But from your more recent posts you clearly haven't been feeling it for a while. There's no getting over the ick op, once it's appeared it's the end. Well done on nipping it in the bud.

Please don't let family railroad you into things they think you should do. There's nothing at all wrong with being single!

Original poster
sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:45

I definitely think that the main issue here wasn’t him wanting to see me once a week. I think/hope that if he were the right person for me, I’d naturally want to give up my me time to spend it with him. But the issue is that I didn’t.

I’m feeling guilty now. He bought a sofa from my friend just this morning for when he moves out. He’d been looking at renting a house literally a couple hundred yards up the road from me. This is the type of thing, plus an upcoming weekend away with his parents, that felt like it was starting to put pressure on me and make me feel uncomfortable. But god, I feel guilty!

OP posts:
Scrotox · 26/07/2023 19:46

Flowers from one woman who is happier without a suffocating man to another!

You have absolutely done the right thing...

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/07/2023 19:49

But god, I feel guilty!

Don't. You sound like you've been programmed to put yourself last and always do what other people want. Being single for a while (or even for the rest of your life if that's what you want) will mean you have the time and space to think about that. And as for him renting just up the road....😮he really was moving in on you, wasn't he? HE was the one who pushed, HE was the one who moved faster than you'd like, HE was the one who crowded you and you decided you didn't want that. So you quite rightly called time.

Olika · 26/07/2023 19:53

I was thinking of this man's behaviour and now that my toddler is sleeping I read latest updates and I am so glad you ended it, stick to your guns on this as I have a very bad feeling about this man. Him being so full on from early on is a massive red flag, some relationship coaches covered it in their videos on YouTube recently and said these over gestures and rushing things are actually warning signs. The more I read of your updates and others responding the more uncomfortable I felt about this man. This relationship probably would have turned into abuse and control so TG you got out of it now. Good luck. Smile

itsmylife7 · 26/07/2023 20:03

He sounds bloody unhinged OP.

Stop feeling guilty.

He's pissed off because you've ruined his chances of him escaping his mum and dad.

He had you all lined up...keep her sweet..move in to hers...save loads of money....bring my kids around....You've ruined his plans.

He was love bombing you. Well done for ending it.

teraculum29 · 26/07/2023 20:08

OP,
you shouldn't feel like that at the beginning of relationship.
What you are saying it's so sufocating. RUN!!

TreesWelliesKnees · 26/07/2023 20:12

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Do something nice for yourself tonight, and don't open the door.

Louoby · 26/07/2023 20:14

I would run a mile. Tbh if you was really feeling the honeymoon period then you'd want to spend time with him. If he's giving you the ick and his neediness is unattractive then I'd bail out now. It will only get worse I'm afraid.

Charley50 · 26/07/2023 20:14

So glad you ended it and please please don't let him in your house again. Like other posters, i have a bad feeling about this man.

EmmaEmerald · 26/07/2023 20:16

sgtz · 26/07/2023 19:45

I definitely think that the main issue here wasn’t him wanting to see me once a week. I think/hope that if he were the right person for me, I’d naturally want to give up my me time to spend it with him. But the issue is that I didn’t.

I’m feeling guilty now. He bought a sofa from my friend just this morning for when he moves out. He’d been looking at renting a house literally a couple hundred yards up the road from me. This is the type of thing, plus an upcoming weekend away with his parents, that felt like it was starting to put pressure on me and make me feel uncomfortable. But god, I feel guilty!

I have a feeling that rental would have fallen through....

cheddercherry · 26/07/2023 20:16

Don’t feel bad. Sounds more and more like he was entwining himself into your life even when you’d voiced wanting space.

It’s only been a few months, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong to end things now.

SunRainStorm · 26/07/2023 20:16

Good for you OP. Enjoy your weekend, you deserve it.