To want alone time in new relationship?

[sgtz]

Expecting to be told IABU but some outsider views would be good!

Been seeing a guy since April-ish so very new. I’ve been single for about 5 years prior to this, so very much independent, used to being on my own and if I’m honest, quite enjoy being on my own! So it’s taken some getting used to… he’s very much the opposite to me! Would happily spend every min of the day with me, whereas I like and very much need my alone time. I’m a single mum and only have a day at the weekend to myself, and I’m struggling with feeling like an asshole for not spending every one of those weekend days with him - I know it’s only once a week, but when it’s my one day to myself I feel almost resentful for giving it up! He usually stays over the night before too, and I never sleep great with someone else in my bed - so it’s giving up that one night of guaranteed good night sleep with the toddler at their dads.

I feel like I’m pushing him away with my need for alone time, but also feel like his need for me to spend time with him is almost suffocating. Not sure I should be feeling this way in such a new relationship, but he really is lovely and treats me so well and everyone that’s met him so far seems to love him too. Just not sure what to do or if I’m being totally unreasonable or not.

If you were into him, you’d want to see him. When I was seeing someone earlier this year, it was only once a week as he was a single dad and I couldn’t wait to see him. Fact is, sounds like you’re not into him and he’s not going to grow on you.

Sounds like the right decision to end things. As you’ve said when the right guy comes along (and no rush at all for that) you’ll want to spend your spare time with him. The fact you didn’t shows this guy wasn’t right for you. You’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve ended it once you realised it wasn’t the right thing

Absolutely no need to feel guilty about someone who was pushing things so far after just three months. He was over-invested; you are the sensible one.

Don't feel guilty...

pack that bag up and put it in the porch.

Cancel his mums order & refund it.

If he comes round, don't let him in, tell him the truth, that he was too clingy and needy, you felt he was moving too fast especially meeting his parents.

If he persists, tell him you've made your mind up & nothing he says will change your mind and politely ask him to leave.

You've done the right thing in ending it. Don't feel guilty. Based on your updates he was displaying some serious red flags, so I think you've dodged a bullet. And at least now you have a clearer idea of what you want in your life.

Hope you're okay OP, you've made the right decision definitely. Now look forward to your long lie on Saturday this week. Hopefully you've not had any drama from him.

He hasn’t replied and he didn’t turn up here last night, so I’m feeling much better. Also got a bit of a gift from the universe (that’s how I’m seeing it anyway!) last night as my daughter’s dad asked if he could pick her up from nursery tonight and have her for an extra night. So now I can come home from work today with no nursery run to do and have an extra chilled night! It really is the little things, isn’t it.

Yes! It really is the little things in life that can mean so much.

Toddlers are exhausting and wonderful at the same time.

Wanting and needing time to yourself and being protective of your down time is 100% normal.

Please listen and honour your own needs.

No one is entitled to your time or a relationship with you.

Neediness, rushing things, and causing your gut to be unsettled should never be ignored.

IMO our gut knows us better than we know ourselves.

You sound like a great woman.

There is nothing wrong in enjoying being alone.

Good update op, make sure you enjoy yourself tonight.

Well done OP. It would have to take a VERY special man for me to give up my alone time if I ever split up with DP. Taking care of little kids drains your tank.

I also don't like the part about him planning to move close to you. Its like an ambush and stealth move towards living together. He'd be like "what's the point of us both sitting at home alone, I'll come round" and on and on it would go until you'd basically be living together without the relationship having naturally evolved onto that stage with both parties wanting it.

Not read the whole thread but I wouldn’t be surprised if your ick was resulting from your need for space. That’s actually on you not him, because you’ve failed to put boundaries in place. You need your space and it is reasonable. I had a conversation with my OH early on about this and though he always wanted more time with me he understood the need for me to have space to do my own thing. Our relationship was better as a result.

Talk to him first and create that space. Maybe see him every other week for now. See how you feel about him after a month.

I don’t get why people refuse to communicate and then complain about there being an issue.

@SunsetOverParadise about a month ago I did communicate my need for space and he agreed to respect my boundaries. Things haven’t changed. I ended it last night and feel a million times better today.

No, you need your alone time, after all you've been coping that way for 5 years. I think it's an age thing as well - in our early twenties we don't have those other responsibilities and aren't so used to coping alone. That said, if there's no small part of you that can't wait to see him again, is it the right relationship? Good luck whatever happens x

Sorry should have rtft 😖😫

He's being nice now because you haven't said no to him yet. Tell him you have plans / things to do and see how he reacts. I had this in my first relationship following my divorce, he kept telling me how much he loved me after the first couple of weeks, he couldn't do enough for me, bent over backwards to see me, he pushed his way into mine and my children's lives and I thought what harm can he do he's so nice. Turns out not very nice at all. Once he was confident around my children the name calling started.

Sorry just caught up. Good for you for doing what's best for you.

Fab update OP!

I think you've dodged a bullet here.

I'd just say what I always say in these sorts of situations - it shouldn't be this hard this early in the relationship. So if and when he corners you, begs you, tells you he can change etc - just remind him of that.

Good luck. And enjoy your childfree evening tonight!

Have the most awesome chilled night!

Well done. And bullet well dodged

Anyone who tries to make you their world within weeks is to be avoided IMO.

Enormous red flag.

It means they are looking for space to be filled, and anyone can do it.

It is never the actions of a healthy person emotionally.

Fab update, have a lovely chilled couple of days. Billy you always give great constructive advice. X

Well done op!

Bravo@sgtz ! Please remain vigilant. I'm not sure this guy will give up so easily. Be on your guard.

Well done OP! There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship or being happy single - the social stigma is the problem of those who buy into it. There are a great many happy single women around - I’m one, in fact I’m also a single mum in a very similar situation to you it sounds and would have felt exactly the same about it all. Ignore those who make you feel as if you should be grateful to be “taken on” - that’s a view that should have gone out with the last century. If you’re happy with your set up, that’s all that matters.

also, aside from all of that, his intensity and lack of respecting your boundaries was nuts! And so serious so early in a relationship - you’ve dodged a bullet there.

@sgtz how has your weekend been?

@Takeabreather23 it’s been absolutely lovely, thank you for asking. I’ve felt the most content and happy for a long time. I haven’t heard a peep from him either!