To think my bereavement counsellor was out of order saying this?

[TryingToGrieve]

‘It sounds like you idolize (your dead baby) and prefer him to (your living toddler). All the time you spent visiting him in the mortuary makes it sound like you were trying to escape being with your older one at home.’

She did preface this with, ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying this but…’. Yet AIBU to think WTAF?

She’s a counsellor- counselling is supposed to get you to examine your behaviour and the motivation behind it, even if it is painful and difficult. You are allowed to disagree but I don’t think she was necessarily wrong to ask it.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

That sounds dreadful and extremely tactless. But context is everything and I say that as someone who has lost a child. The balance between the shock and grief and supporting existing children is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Wow. I am staggered that a bereavement counsellor could even begin to think that was an appropriate thing to say. There is so much wrong with that and personally that would be the end of the therapeutic relationship for me.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby, and for the grief you are now navigating whilst also caring for a toddler. Not an easy path. Do not let those words invade your headspace.

In therapy, you are never being unreasonable. Your responses and feelings are the priority of the work. What matters is how you feel, not what anyone else thinks.

I'd be very honest with her how hurtful you found her comments. You could email her explaining you are very hurt and angry before your next session if you don't feel comfortable telling her in person.

If she's defensive, time for another therapist. If she's open and apologetic for the hurt she's caused you then it could be beneficial to you to work through it and stick with her.

You have every right to be furious. I hope she's a good enough therapist and can meet you in that rage and repair the hurt she's caused you - that's part of her responsibility as a therapist.

It's shocking and must be terribly upsetting for you.
I would only ever see a bereavement counsellor if they had similar experience themselves, otherwise a complete waste of time.
I was in a group for young widows , one of the widows was a grief counsellor and said she wished she could apologize to all her previous clients, now having experience a devastating loss herself. She was ashamed of the advice she had given before.
When you speak to someone who has gone through the same ordeal it's very different and a lot more helpful than speaking to someone who hasn't.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Counsellors (and even trained therapists) are just people. Like people in any job (bankers, teachers, whatever) you can get incompetent and even cruel ones. The difference is that when you go for therapy/counselling you're making yourself much more vulnerable than when using any other service.

I withdrew from nhs therapy and will never ever use any therapist again.

I prefer peer support. Everyone is in the same boat and there's no power imbalance to abuse. I don't know about child bereavement specifically but I think there must be peer support groups, you could try that.

My friend is on Year 14 of unhealthily mourning the loss of her DD from a stillbirth. Her two other children are suffering deeply because their mother is still so wrapped up in her own grief. One is exploring being transgender and I have wished they would have a counsellor bold enough to say "Your son wants to be the daughter you are forever grieving." She spends every Christmas and the entire month around her birth and death still totally absorbed, spending time in bed or needing to be alone. I love her, but I wish she had your counsellor.

Context matters here. On the face if it it's a remarkably insensitive remark, but from a bereavement counsellor, I would consider whether there was something difficult (I mean, even in the context of the loss of a baby) that she was leading you in to exploring, whether you were in fact struggling with reconciling the needs of your living child who was possibly responding to your grief by being stroppy and toddlerish, and your own desire to spend time with the baby you lost.

I'm in therapy for childhood sexual abuse, and my counsellor, whom I trust and admire, has had to walk a tightrope between comfort and challenge around some horrifically difficult stuff.

Very sorry for your loss.

I’ve reflected a little bit and am inclined to agree with other posters. @Allthelightwecannotsee76 ‘ s suggestion was very good. If she is a good practitioner she would want to hear how upset she has made you so she can improve her practice.

I can see why you are upset. You are still grieving. I can see why she said it. But it's supposed to jar you enough out of your comfort zone so you start questioning yourself more.

I say this as someone who lost a child over 20ys ago. Sometimes you need to be dragged into the present despite the pain.

It's difficult to know without the context. There are legitimate reasons for a counsellor saying something like this. Sometimes a counsellor can recognise that that the therapy has got "stuck" and no progress is being made, perhaps you are struggling to really get to the nub of what is going on, dancing around the issues. Saying something like this is designed to force you to really confront yourself. You can (if fact should) disagree and challenge the counsellor in return. What did you say in response?

(On the other hand, she might just be a shit counsellor, they do exist too.)

The counsellor may well have said it because thats how she sees the OP is presenting to her. And thats OK. Grief is a very personal thing - even the way one person may well grieve for different loved ones they have lost. When my sister died, my DM really couldn’t bear to speak to me and my siblings on anything but a very distant level. A friend of mine lost her third child when he was 5. She too was so overwhelmed with grief that she was unable to look after her two older children for quite a while.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

As objectively as possible, when you go to visit your baby, is the focus on seeing them, or on accessing a quiet space away from your toddler for a bit? It would be natural to have a bit of both feelings, I think.

Was that an accurate reflection of how you spend your time between the grave and the live child?

I never did pursue grief counselling. I had a few telephone conversations that weren't particularly helpful, though they were kindly meant.
I got wonderful support and understanding from the mothers on the bereavement board here, and although some friends disappeared from my life, I made new ones among other local bereaved mothers that I met.
Life is never the same after you lose a child. The pain and heartbreak is always there, you just get better at hiding it.
The most you can hope for is to manage a continued existence and take comfort in nurturing your living children. My other children are my reason for keeping going.

Very thought-provoking responses. Thanks everyone.

To me it feels unfair because there was only very limited time to visit my baby in the mortuary before he was buried and I wanted to make the most of every opportunity. Whereas hopefully I’ll have the rest of my life to spend time with the older one.

Yet she kept on about how ‘a dead baby who just lies still in your arms is so much easier than a live toddler who is all over the place.’ I had honestly never thought to compare the two like that myself.

Context is of course everything, but personally I still think it was terrible to suggest that a mother visiting her dead baby in a mortuary is doing so to avoid her toddler. All being well she will have a lifetime with said toddler and clearly the time she has to be in the physical presence of her baby before burial is very limited.

Likewise I cannot see justification for suggesting that she idolises and prefers her baby over her toddler.

X-posted with you @Puddlelane123 . Thanks for understanding that.

In my professional life I have always encouraged parents to spend every second they wanted to in the mortuary with their beloved children as this isnt time they can get back. I can’t imagine any professional with an ounce of empathy judging them for doing so.

OP, I am so sorry. The more you say about this counsellor the more I maintain he / she is totally unreasonable.

Totally understand @TryingToGrieve

Yikes! OP I'm sorry for your loss.
I read somewhere we either connect or we don't with a therapist and that's something which is unlikely to change. They're a professional but I think that was a really crass an tactless thing to say. I'd be really hurt to hear something like that from anyone but maybe even more a MH professional. They more than most should be able to read the room. That was a mean thing to utter and I doubt it would make me reassess anything. It would make me quietly seeth at this person. You don't have to "connect on a higer level" but this is as basic as it comes. I'd probably be out the door for good. Listen to your gut.

I am not even yet at 14 weeks though, rather than 14 years. And there were only 10 days when I could visit the mortuary. This feels very different. Maybe that child would have been transgender anyway.

"Yet she kept on about how ‘a dead baby who just lies still in your arms is so much easier than a live toddler who is all over the place.’"

What a weird and unprofessional thing to say. Is this a private or NHS counsellor?

The thing is, she can be really fantastic. Obviously if she was uniformly awful I’d just quit seeing her. But it’s not that simple.

Did she really say easier? She described visiting your dead child as easier??

Fucking hell. That is awful, I'm so sorry. I've supported bereaved parents in my professional life and I am shocked that a professional would say that. I mean, I sometimes think I can't be shocked any more by some of the crass, tactless, awful things people say to bereaved parents, but that did it. PP have said she might have been trying to shock you out of a stuck place, or move the therapy along, but I think if that was what she was doing that this is a completely unacceptable way to do it.

If you feel able, please raise this, either with her, the organisation, or BACP. And please know that this is a misstep( to put it mildly) of hers, you haven't done anything wrong