To think my bereavement counsellor was out of order saying this?

[TryingToGrieve]

‘It sounds like you idolize (your dead baby) and prefer him to (your living toddler). All the time you spent visiting him in the mortuary makes it sound like you were trying to escape being with your older one at home.’

She did preface this with, ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying this but…’. Yet AIBU to think WTAF?

Oh @TryingToGrieve I'm so sorry for your loss and the insensitive comment.

When my dad died I was surprised at how comforting it was to sit with his body after he died. And with your own child is absolutely understandable that you'd want to spend as much time as possible.

Private counsellor @paradoxicalfrog

Those who mentioned therapy being stuck and perhaps needing moving along, this was only our third session.

That is an awful and bizarre thing to say. Holding your baby and knowing they will only ever be still in your arms must be one of the most difficult things for a mother to do. I can't even comprehend where the therapist was coming from on this.

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

I am so sorry for your loss.

if you feel at other times she is fantastic, perhaps it would be helpful for you to challenge this / tell her how much it has upset you. (I have certainly pushed back/had discussion with my counsellor sometimes when I disagreed, although not in the context of bereavement).

I see it as more that she is suggesting your grief was perhaps is consuming and perhaps getting in the way of your time with toddler dc ?
I don't know I'm so sorry for your loss. Your still standing and doing therapy and carrying on. I honestly don't know if inwould have your strength

It's two separate thoughts I guess.

The bit about the mortuary I think is fucking outrageous, it was hardly the time to choose one over the other was it. You might as well say that anyone who spends time with a deceased family member prefers doing that to seeing living family members. Well - however much time you spend in a mortuary it's very unlikely to be more than you were/would be spending with that person when alive, for goodness sake.

The other part I really don't know - I think some people do idolise ones they've lost, so maybe she's trying to make a valid point about how you relate to your older child now and in the future. I can't possibly say. What do you think?

Jesus Christ.

It is a valid probe, but rather clumsily worded. Would have been better to say 'could it be that you idolise...', and then you would have the option to refute that or explore it.
Even if it were the case, this would not be a negative. There is no right or wrong in grief. Even if you wanted to withdraw totally from your family (you don't), resented your other child/ren (you don't) this can happen and it's allowed. Grieving is a right and a process that everyone faces differently.

I think her comments were completely out of order tbh. I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤

I'm so sorry @TryingToGrieve

You are so recently bereaved and the loss so raw.

I do not have the right experience to advise fully, but that comment, regardless of intent, is so hurtful. I have an excellent counsellor. She has provided me with great insight. Always done with kindness & great sensitivity.

And because it is, I can absorb it & take it on board. If it was blunt or harsh, I'd instinctively recoil.

Sending you good wishes OP 💐

It's difficult to know whether she was out of order or not as we don't know the full context, but on the face of it, it was a very challenging and shocking thing for her to say.

I agree with the previous poster's suggestion of emailing her to say how it made you feel, and see what her response is.

What qualifications or professional registrations does she have? Many have less qualifications and professional accountability than you would expect.

It's pretty horrific that she's trying to put guilt onto you at this time. It's surely the one thing you don't need to feel right now. So sorry for your loss. Your toddler will be fine without your undivided attention while you grieve. All toddlers give up attention for their newborn siblings.

I think it is a horrendously cruel and insensitive thing to say. To the point where I don’t think she is fit to be a counsellor.
Some of my friends have had counsellors who really seemed to be on some weird power trip, and several women I know who are counsellors are very needy people who enjoy the dynamic. I have one friend who was a bereavement counsellor who is very kind and careful, and I know she would never have made comments like this to anyone. Counsellors seem to vary hugely in skills and motivation.
I would see someone else . I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.

The judgmental comment suggesting you chose to spent much of your limited time in which you could access the mortuary as a way to avoid your toddler, is astonishing, both in its obtuse bluntness and it’s crossing of a line.

I’d cease the relationship, report her and find another counsellor. You’re only three sessions in. I don’t think you can come back from that.

It might have been appropriate if she was commenting on you spending hours grave-side one year on, with toddler in nursery purely to enable that. And I’m not even saying that would be a wrong thing to do - just that it might be worth exploration.
But mortuary time?
I think your counsellor is dreadful.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

I don't think this counsellor is showing much understanding. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had some unhelpful counselling after my daughter died (she was our first so we didn't have to keep going for a toddler). In retrospect I think I went too early to counselling - acute grief responses such as sitting with the list baby are entirely appropriate and any counsellor suggesting otherwise is really an idiot.

If, say, you were going daily to visit a grave two years on, it might be appropriate for the counsellor to raise it. At 14 weeks you're still in survival mode in my (non professional) opinion.

And really how dare she imply you prefer the baby to the toddler? That is unbelievably stupid and cruel.

I actually feel furious on your behalf OP.

@TryingToGrieve I’ve literally just reactivated my account to reply to you….I thought you might say that you were 3or 4 years post bereavement but if you are only 14wks, I’m not sure this is the right type of bereavement counselling .is this a specialist child bereavement person? To explore this sort of theme at such an early stage is not usual/typical as you are still in what you might say is the shock phase. there’s a very good reason that people are often not directed towards bereavement counselling until at least a good few months have passed. Anyone at this early stage is more in need of sitting in front of an empathetic person who solely offers a listening ear…..the type of more in depth therapeutic counselling where you might look at things in the level of depth you have described is for those who have become stuck in processing complicated grief. I would def raise this with the counselllor or consider other options.

That's so so sad

I don’t know how long you have been going . She is supposed to make you analyse your life and maybe you do need someone to tell you you are being unreasonable to your child ?

Oh my word. Only 14 weeks. I am so sorry for your loss. This is the sort of thing I'd expect a counsellor to raise tactfully after much much more time than that.

14 weeks at the absolute most from the OP's other posts

I'm so sorry your baby died 💐

On the face of it (and from reading your updates) it does sound rather inappropriate. After 14 weeks you're still very much in the phase of grief of getting through each day in whatever way you can.

Why are you seeing a counsellor? Do you feel you are not managing your grief well?

I don’t think anyone else gets to decide if another persons grief is unhealthy or not. It’s not like she has a choice how it affects her