To think my bereavement counsellor was out of order saying this?

[TryingToGrieve]

‘It sounds like you idolize (your dead baby) and prefer him to (your living toddler). All the time you spent visiting him in the mortuary makes it sound like you were trying to escape being with your older one at home.’

She did preface this with, ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying this but…’. Yet AIBU to think WTAF?

I think the counsellor is wrong how dare she comment on how often you visited your baby -and of you did prefer to go to see your baby to being with your toddler at that point in time - so what? You had a limited window of time in which you could see your baby and needed to prioritise that ❤️

OP, you obviously haven't connect with this counsellor. You can try to hold on and hope for the best but, though I've never seen a threrapist, I think what you see is what you get when it comes to most people. They are who they are and they're unlikely to change for us.
Maybe you can post roughly where you are and see if somebody here can give the name for somebody who worked for them or somebody they know. Otherwise stick with this person but give yourself a deadline.
If the next sessions leave you feeling "worse" than when you walked in just move on, this isn't something where you must compromise. This might be a good professional but maybe they're not the one for you. The therapist should fit you, not the other way around.
Again, I'm very sorry for your loss. Like all losses it will never be easy but it will be easier, focus on that.

It hasn't even been 14 weeks?! OP this isn't a nice person you are dealing with and she certainly no business being a counsellor. Please, make a complaint and do not see her again. The damage she could cause. I am so sorry for your loss 💐

I am not even yet at 14 weeks though, rather than 14 years. And there were only 10 days when I could visit the mortuary. This feels very different.

Oh my dear love, you are barely at the beginning of this process which is probably why it felt so earth shatteringly offensive. I would have found it difficult to hear after a year however, with hindsight, time and healing, sometimes, just sometimes, these kind of words are needed on hehalf of the live child. It takes a strong person to say this to a grieving mother. Sometimes we need pulling into the present especially when we have children needing us too.

When my child died I had 5 minutes holding her, then I had to go home without her. That was it so I don't know what impact ten days of intense grieving did to you. I know my child was expecting a happy mum and dad with a new sister. She was confused and very scared, and thought she had caused it (like children do). I had to find a way to get back to her mentally and emotionally to help her, to put her needs first. I think, maybe, your therapist is trying to steer you to "seeing" your other child and their needs. Sometimes if we look outwards at others we stop looking inwards - which can help with the grieving process.

I am sorry for you loss. You will never forget them but the pain will become less intense, less all encompassing, gradually

Good god what an absolute repugnant bitch.

Complain - this woman has NO business being anywhere near people, let alone bereaved parents. No, you should have to go through a complaint at this time. You also shouldn’t be being emotionally abused by your counsellor.

I am VERY wary counsellors - I could go on a few courses (some I’ve seen advertised on Groupon) and then offer my services.

Look for a psychologist - they’ve actually studied to be there and are much more helpful

I am so so very sorry for your loss - sending you love and light

They were very strong comments and I can see why you were shocked. I guess there are two possibilities here:

1. Think: that’s not an accurate reflection of my feelings and not a helpful suggestion so I’m going to reject it. And possibly find a new therapist if she really isn’t getting you at all.
2. Consider if the reason you reacted so strongly against it may because there is an element of difficult truth to the suggestion.

As strangers I think it’s impossible for us to know which of the above is the case, but good on you for doing the work. Therapy is hard work and not all therapists are right for every client.

I had grief counselling after my partner died suddenly in an accident, the first counsellor burst out crying and i ended up comforting her, didn't see her again.

the second one had lost her DH in a terrible and well known incident, she kept referring back to her grief around her loss & it became about her and i used to wonder who was counselling who.

The 3rd one was fantastic.

Point i'm trying to make is not everyone is cut for what is an extremely difficult and specialised subject to counsel.

I'd just move on and see a different one, you wont move on from what she said, which was very insensitive.

It’s a defined condition, pathological grieving. It’s not a judgment on the friend.

Blimey just saw it was very recent and you only had 3 sessions . Sorry then no you are not being unreasonable. She was out of order and I’m so so sorry you had to hear that . Love send your way

Have you thought of seeking counselling with one of the baby loss charities? You may find someone who is more understanding or be able to access a group with parents who have been through the same thing.

This is a potential rupture in your relationship ship. You need to tell the therapist how it made you feel. It may be she did not mean it as it sounded. Give her an opportunity to repair. You’ll learn if she’s any good by the way she handles your hurt. If she doesn’t respond in a way that’s appropriate for you I would end the therapy

I'm a funeral arranger and sadly we see a number of babies come into our care. We have some parents who don't want to visit their child at all, and others who want to spend time with them every day they are able to before the funeral. Neither is wrong, it's how you deal with your own grief. As you say OP, the time is very limited, as babies are too small for traditional preservation processes, and there sometimes comes a day when we have to advise the parent(s) to visit with a closed casket.

Personally I would mention to the counsellor how hurt you were by the comments. I'm sure they wouldn't have wanted to compound your grief, but constructive feedback will be beneficial to them.

Im so sorry for your loss OP.

@TryingToGrieve that sounds completely inappropriate, I do think some counsellors can be crap at their job just like any other profession.

A friends counsellor told her her life sounded a Jeremy Kyle episode and he couldn't keep up with her love life, she was trying to get out of an abusive relationship.

@TryingToGrieve So sorry for the Loss of your Baby.
I’m shocked at what this so called counselled said.
It sounds very unreasonable to me.

There are good and bad counsellors
I only knew the difference after having a good one!
Maybe try another if you are able.
Of COURSE you would want to be with your baby for the reasons you state.

Goodness OP I thought you were talking about a bereavement with many years space between now and then, and that your therapist was trying to move you on from a place of being stuck. As it is a matter of weeks and you've only had three sessions I'd be inclined to do a 4th, tell her how upset the comments made you and then make a decision based on her response. I'm so sorry your baby died, and you are doing a really brave thing talking to a therapist now, she just might not be the right one for you.

What a disgusting thing to say.

Listen, if she had said "cemetery" instead of "mortuary", I would have said that she was trying to raise a valid point. But even questioning your wish to spend as much time with your baby while you can as trying to avoid the older one is tasteless and a bit weird.

I would question her abilities and find someone else , honestly.

I don’t believe context is Everytbing, especially it when you lose. Child or are grieving.

my counsellor after we lost our son was crap and made tactless shitty comments that were unnecessary, for example I was having dreams I was pregnant and I kept having miscarriages, she made a stupid comment like my body unable to carry healthy babies - this was completely unnecessary and more damaging to me to hear that. it was more about me being scared to become pregnant again and having anymore losses even at the very beginning bcos I’d gone through something so tragic and painful with our son I couldn’t bear anything else

anyway I don’t believe it’s right.m for her to say that to you regardless of context. Tell her how you feel and please look to finding another person who is better suited to you.

and I get why you wanted to spend time with your child. I would’ve done the same and something not many people can understand

This is what you need to tell her, now you've had time to reflect on things.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you're going through

The mortuary is the place where the baby was kept before the funeral. It has got nothing to with the cemetery.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

Bereaved people are encouraged to spend time with their deceased loved ones before burial for very good reasons.

I'm afraid my experience of counsellors is that they can be deeply unpleasant people who feel their role gives them a carte blanche to say hurtful and damaging things to others in vulnerable situations in the name of challenging.

Can't even begin to talk about the NHS one I went to when pg with DS2. I could see her enjoying and feeling clever about the knives she was jabbing into me.

What a really awful shallow statement. I can understand why you’re upset.

I have had a stillborn and was lucky enough to have got back in contact with a wonderful therapist who really took me by the hand and gently led me down this terrible path. She was incredibly careful and skilful and I definitely think helped me process things and move forward. However, even with her help, it took years for me to recover and I grieved all over again 4 years later when I had my third child who was the same sex, which really took me by surprise.

Your therapist sounds terrible, dangerous even to say this to you on the third visit! I could see an argument for saying this a couple of years in if another child was actually being neglected... but this is weeks, not months or years.

One bump in the road of my grief was a conversation with a (now former) friend who was actually training to be a therapist (and shouldn't be one...) a couple of days after our loss. I actually had a breakdown after the telephone call and took days to recover from it. Telling her later about the damage she caused was important for me (even if she still didn't understand what she had done wrong...).

I think you should either confront by email, phone call or in a last session (if you can face it, I don't think I could), just how this made you feel and just how inappropriate and damaging you found these remarks. Then find a new therapist, or peer support from others who have (sadly) experienced the same.

Using the words "it sounds like ...." if you are giving the exact words your counsellor used can be taken one of two ways

Either she is mirroring back what you're telling her in your session, and saying do you realise your energy and attention seems unbalanced. Flagging her concerns so you explore whether that's a good thing or not. OK

Or she is being judgemental about what you've shared with her when her role is to be judgement-free. Not OK.

Or more nuanced than the above 2 options depending on the broader context that you haven't shared on here.

The caveat to my comment is that if you feel in anyway displeased with your counsellor then don't delay in changing to a different counsellor. You don't need to justify it, go by how you feel.

As far as I know, you shouldn't be having any bereavement counselling yet. It's too soon. You can have counselling to help support you getting through your day to day life but not bereavement counselling.
There's a natural process that shouldn't be disrupted.