To think my bereavement counsellor was out of order saying this?

[TryingToGrieve]

‘It sounds like you idolize (your dead baby) and prefer him to (your living toddler). All the time you spent visiting him in the mortuary makes it sound like you were trying to escape being with your older one at home.’

She did preface this with, ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying this but…’. Yet AIBU to think WTAF?

I can't imagine that poster has any experience or qualifications in psychotherapy to be frank. Nobody who did would take a mother who was bereaved three months ago and try to suggest that an angry or upset reaction to being told that having a dead baby is easier than caring for their living toddler was in any way indicative of some deeper problem with her.

Sometimes therapists get it wrong. And then they should listen, take note, apologise for causing harm, and try to put it right. Not needle away at a client in immense distress to get a reaction and then hmmmm their way through hamfisted psychological theories as to why they are so upset.

I have worked in MH for thirty years. What your therapist said was wrong. It is way too early to make that comment. And I don’t agree with it at all. Not one bit. This is not about idolising a baby fgs. It’s about saying goodbye to your tiny incredibly-loved child. It’s not about neglecting your toddler in any way.

My advice would be to stop working with this person asap. Seek support from peers and support groups for now. And think about therapy again in a few months. Ideally with a recommendation.

There is no context in what she said was acceptable. This needs to be fed back.

Anyone can set up as a counsellor and this worries me.

I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like an amazing mum to both your children x

She does have a choice. We all do. My second son was stillborn and I know all too well how all consuming the grief is in the early days but continuing to be so wrapped up in it 14 years later to the detriment of your living children is most definitely unhealthy.

I’m so sorry @TryingToGrieve, it’s still so raw for you and that comment was incredibly unhelpful. All I can do is say that it does get easier as time goes on for the vast majority of us, although you never stop wondering “what if?” I still do and my boy would be 46 now.

Upsetting though this is, I know one person who could do with hearing this. Idolising the child that passed at the expense of the living child.

Fourteen weeks. Not years.

So sorry for your loss, it sounds like she has been rather tactless with her words but at the same point there must be something your saying that's made her feel the need to say something to you, I have lived as a child who's parents were so wrapped up in their own grief it was like they had forgotten they had other children and of course they needed to grieve it's part of life but our parents never got over their grief and unfortunately we spent all of our life feeling unloved and left to our own devices, not for one minute am I saying everyone does this. But perhaps there's something you have been saying that might be making her think along those lines, I could be way off the mark here.

Either way I hope you get sorted and get some therapy to help.

I lost my eight day old daughter suddenly last year. I've had counselling from a charity and the NHS, and neither of them would dare say anything like that to me. It's completely out of order. I visited my daughter every day I was allowed to before her funeral, which because of backlogs at the hospital wasn't for 3 weeks until after her death. I also had a young toddler at home to look after and with support I managed to do both. If someone suggested I preferred one to the other, I would rage at them quite honestly and I'm a very mild mannered person. I'm so sorry she said that to you, it's very inappropriate and I would be looking for a new therapist.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

I appreciate you mean well but your advice is completely misjudged. It’s way too early to diagnose complex grief.

And OP’s reaction is an entirely appropriate response to a wildly inaccurate suggestion from an incompetent therapist.

I am sure OP is very aware that it is ‘important’ that her other child is alive. I am sure that’s all that is keeping her going right now.

Read the post that was first in the sequence.

It has been 14 weeks. It would be more abnormal for OP not to be wrapped up in grief still after losing her baby.

What. The. Hell??? She sounds AWFUL and you deserve better than this person. I'm so very sorry for your loss, do not let this terrible therapist live in your head rent free and please find someone else who has some empathy. 💐

OP you are in the throws of a new and horrific loss. My heart is with you
I think your bereavement counsellor was very out of line. Both due to the very short time in which you've had this loss, the stages of grief you are in, but also those comparisons are something to deeply avoid in all respects. Not fair at all to your toddler, or you, nor your baby you lost.

If you really want to continue working with this person, then I think you could write something that highlights why that was inappropriate. If she can't navigate that feedback, then I'd enlist a supervisor if they have one. The comment made, no matter what the context, is deeply painful and could do so much harm. There are also other ways to express those things, for example "one thing that may be hard is you will navigate highs and lows in your relationships with your living children, but frozen memories in time with your son you lost. That can bring extra layers in moments of stress but is a very normal part of loss". Something like that lets you remember there will be some added layers, without shame or guilt which have no place in your journey.

Hugs to you @TryingToGrieve you are not alone!

This

I'm so sorry for your loss.

At first I thought the therapist could just be clumsy with her words but then this:

A dead baby who just lies still in your arms is so much easier than a live toddler who is all over the place.

made me feel utterly sick. How dare she?

I'd report her and change therapists immediately.

In response to a poster talking about someone who had lost a child 14yr ago, OP said

I am not even yet at 14 weeks though, rather than 14 years. And there were only 10 days when I could visit the mortuary. This feels very different. Maybe that child would have been transgender anyway.

She is not yet at 14wk.

Any idiot without degrees in psychology etc could say that to you. These ''councillors'' appear to be raking it in with their drivel (which just goes on and on) in my opinion. I know someone who has been in counselling for over 20 years and has not apparently had a traumatic life. Now her 2 children are in counselling too.

To me it feels unfair because there was only very limited time to visit my baby in the mortuary before he was buried and I wanted to make the most of every opportunity. Whereas hopefully I’ll have the rest of my life to spend time with the older one.

This makes perfect sense to me OP and I’m staggered that the therapist hadn’t already taken that into account.

Also see that people are confusing “mortuary” with “cemetery” and that’s affecting their responses (and, seemingly, their sympathy towards you).

I think she made quite a dramatic leap in the absence of evidence I think she was out of order. Poor counselling in my view.

Quite a reductive line of analysis.

I read your first post and thought that the counsellor must know you well and maybe you were continually visiting the mortuary and neglecting your older child.

However, considering you are only three sessions in and the loss is so recent… and when you add the other (wholly inappropriate) comment about a deceased baby being easier than a toddler I am honestly astonished. She is making incredibly insensitive assumptions and has undoubtedly damaged the therapeutic relationship before it has even begun.

I would find another counsellor she does not know what she is doing and sounds quite dangerous.

I wasn’t talking to OP in my first paragraph. Please stop derailing a very sad thread.

So sorry for your loss OP.
As a counsellor I agree with yes it's our job to examine and challenge behaviour however the hair on the back of my neck pricked and my heart sank reading your post OP.
1 of the first things we look for in therapy is a clients response, body no matter how tiny the change is and go from there, to repeatedly say 'dead baby' IMHO is disgusting.
It almost feels like an opinion and a judgement not a challenge, to get a reaction but although our job is to get a reaction sensitivity and compassion are the guides.
I would also tell her how you felt and see how you feel going forward, it's fine to change therapists.

So sorry for your loss OP. Bless you and both your children.

I think that in really good counselling you are both free to 'go' anywhere - no holds barred, nothing off limits.

I definitely spent a long time idolising my dead mum, which stopped me moving forwards, and I think that letting that instinct to idolise the person you love who has died go, is definitely part of a healing journey.

But you are in such early days, and in your counselling journey too. I think she over-stepped. In your shoes I would raise how you feel with her, fairly bluntly, and depending on her reaction decide if you want to continue or find someone else to work with.

Wish you all the best and hope that you can find true peace and healing from this devastating loss. YANBU and you have done nothing wrong.
xxx

The 'easier' comment is astonishing. I can, like PPs, sort of see a rationale for the comment about idolisation, but that rationale gets very thin in view of how recent your bereavement is. I do think good counsellors/therapists need to be challenging, and I was initially prepared to defend this one, but I think she's pursuing an agenda of her own, and/or (at best) cack-handedly imposing an interpretation on your behaviour that might be appropriate in a very different set of circumstances, but is absolutely not to this one. It's as if she's learned 'this is what can happen when someone grieves a child' and is applying it to you recklessly, regardless of the context. It could, in that sense, be a rookie mistake (is she young and/or inexperienced? What are her qualifications?), but an utterly devastating one. I think you need to challenge her, and be prepared to end the therapeutic relationship depending on her response.

I'm so very sorry for the death of your beloved baby.