To think my bereavement counsellor was out of order saying this?

[TryingToGrieve]

‘It sounds like you idolize (your dead baby) and prefer him to (your living toddler). All the time you spent visiting him in the mortuary makes it sound like you were trying to escape being with your older one at home.’

She did preface this with, ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying this but…’. Yet AIBU to think WTAF?

I am a therapist.
I work specifically with people who have experienced baby and infant loss. I would not dream of saying something like that to a client especially someone who is still so early in their journey.
I'm so sorry this happened for you. I would recommend highlighting how it's landed with you and give it as feedback to the therapist. We are always asking for feedback and it's essential we learn from anything like this. Please don't feel you can't say anything, and please see how you feel as your sessions go on. You can change therapist if need be.

A three day course? That doesn't sound right.
I did 3 years of training.

Just be careful who you pick for your councillor. A family member of mine re trained (from a completely unrelated job) to be a councillor. They did a 3 day course. I know this person very well and I can tell you they are would be the very last person I would want to council me with anything. Advice totally off, lack of empathy, can be quite a bully, no understanding of others, quick to anger. Honestly it’s quite worrying how anyone can call themselves a councillor in 3 days and have very vulnerable people through their doors seeking help.

The minimum training to be a registered counsellor is 2 years. So either your relative is just calling themself a counsellor, as anyone off the street can legally do, or you are mistaken. No counsellor qualification is 3 days long.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think the motivation behind that comment is to direct your focus toward your living child more, to stop you from becoming fixated and fixed on the child who is no longer here.

The comment has clearly upset you, so you need to ask her about it to understand why she said it.

Session 3 she's got some front about her. I am sorry for your loss if you are going to pay for counselling I would look for the most qualified or experienced. To say that to you in session 3 is outrageous and she is still in early stages of getting to know you.

If you would like a laugh I can try and help my partner went to see a therapist for sex addiction years ago you know what he did he ended up shagging her😂So much for getting help for his sex addiction she made it worse. Lucky for me he grew out of that.

I think this sort of life-changing event is hard to get over. It's not normal for a mother to get over it in a few weeks. I'd be seriously worried if this happened to a friend and they weren't still "fixated" on it. Obviously time and therapy should make it easier but not 14 weeks "fine and dandy" easy.
Empathy goes a long way. The OP's feelings should have been validated not quashed and dismissed.

She sounds monumentally tactless at times, from what you've said.
I think at this point you might want to consider whether her unhelpful comments are worth the support she provides at other times.
The thing is, it's like you are having the worst day, every day at the moment, she doesn't sound like she is aware of this.

This. I could have written this post about a family member.

I suppose because going to the mortuary every day might seem a little obsessive - I guess the counsellor has supported parents grieving dead children previously? Did the visits help you, or intensify your grief?
I'm sorry for your loss.

Please find someone else. At three sessions she should be treading lightly. I’ve had lots of therapy. With a new one after 6 yrs with another wonderful one.

This new one is treading egg shells as we build trust and as he should be. We are months in. She doesn’t know you well enough to be saying that to you. You aren’t stuck in grief you have barely started. Yo absolutely we right to feel upset. You say she’s great in other ways but you are only three sessions in, it’s normal to have to bring up things they’ve said that upset you but that’s months in.. something like this I can’t see why she said it at all. Remember you are paying for this. She works for you. Don’t put up with it. That was a callous thing to say when she barely knows you

How long do you think they are in the mortuary for before being buried??????

I suppose because going to the mortuary every day might seem a little obsessive
Interesting but maybe it has to do with my religious or cultural backgrounds but I don't see it as weird at all. Back in the day we used to mourn the dead at home for a few days. Now we usually do it at fancy mortuaries but I still remember seeing it done at home. Family members and friends still stay next to the coffin for days. Depending on bank holidays, weekends, paperwork, the days can stretch.

The OP said 10 days.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm a mother of 3 Boys, I lost my second to stillbirth at 28 weeks.
What I did learn from the this heart breaking experience, is only someone who has been though a loss like us, understands the need to be with our baby's, as much as we can before we have to let them go.
These moments can never be relived, and this chance is all we will ever have.
I'd get rid of the therapist, their approach is too harsh, and not helpful.
Find a group of people, who have been or going through this unexpected grief, and talk to them, listen to them for you are not alone, talking and listening to others about their own experience's helped me.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 14 weeks is extremely early on in the grief process. I haven't read all the responses only yours and the first page.

I lost a baby neonatally (full term) nearly 20 years ago.. it's a long journey. I didn't have an older child, but I wanted to spend all the time I could with the child I lost as there was only a small window to fit in a lifetime of love. It really helped to say my goodbyes and process what had happened. It was at least 4-6 months before I came out of the dark fog and could even function so please, please be gentle with yourself. I tried counselling as I thought it might speed up the awful grief, but to be honest it didn't. What helped was people acknowledging that you have had one of the most awful things happen to you that any human can have. We are not meant to bury our children. I found the best support was other grieving mums - some are still my closest friends.

You will have brighter days, I promise you won't feel like this forever, but I find your counsellor's words actually unhelpful.

That's what so difficult about it - plenty of us have direct experience of being informed that the wrong child died and they wished it was you instead, combined with a permanent rejection because you had the temerity to be alive and wanting something resembling parenting from them - when they didn't want to even have to look at your face ever again.

Perhaps that informs a comment that sounds hurtful - to challenge those possible thoughts and behaviours before they become entrenched and subsequently voiced to a surviving child?

Grieve can go one for a long time I remember when my partners mother died I had to wait months before I could say anything to him. He was too vulnerable to move on.

How is it obsessive to see the child you carried and gave birth to for ten days? When it will be the only chance you get?

Good lord, that she said that is truly shocking. There is nothing 'easier' about holding your dead baby in your arms, that is extremely insensitive.

I am so sorry you lost your darling baby.

I don’t think she was wrong and though it may be hard to hear, you may thank her for it in the future if it makes you aware of your older child’s needs now.
I can’t image the pain you must be going through but she may be helping you avoid more later

Sorry I only read your initial post, ten days isn’t even enough time to deal with the shock, let alone grieve

Absolutely awful, and no matter what the context was, saying something like this would never be appropriate and is highly unprofessional. I would speak to someone else from the service provider about how unhelpful and uncomfortable this has made you feel.

She's literally talking about the period before the funeral? What a shitty thing to say.

As for this "a dead baby who just lies still in your arms is so much easier than a live toddler who is all over the place.", it's even worse. She sounds bloody awful.

I wouldn't go back to her and I would write a formal letter of complaint, possibly copied to her professional body. How does she expect someone whose baby died only recently to act?

I am so very sorry for your loss and I hope you find a better therapist.

Actually not "possibly" copy it, I would definitely copy it to them.

I can't imagine how she expects you to behave ( some people on here too, apparently) after a mere three months.

💐for you, OP.

Im so sorry for your loss. Your councillor’s approach seems very unsuited to the early stages of grief. For me the crucial question would be has her comment helped. Your post suggests it hasn’t - it’s actually made you feel worse at one of the most difficult points in your life. You do not need or deserve that.

I lost my little boy over a year ago, it was devastating, but the time I spent with him after he passed helped me process losing him. My bereavement councillor encouraged me to see him, speak to him and to do things to remember him. It helped. Crucially what they didn’t do was express a view on how I was processing my grief and what I should be doing.

Personally I don’t think a councillor who adds guilt into the mix, 14 weeks after you have lost your child should be providing support to anyone.