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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not side with Sis over her ex

302 replies

PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:09

My sis & her ex (bil) were together 22 years & about 2 years ago they separated, they never married & have 2 DD 17 & 19. Prior to their separation we were always together as a foursome & saw each other several times a week plus my DH & he are very close friends. Their split was amicable & mutual, both just decided that relationship had run its course but we were all naturally upset about it. Bil moved into a flat that he owns & sis stayed in house, the house is bil’s (inherited from his parents) but he wanted kids to stay in their home so he moved out. My sis doesn’t work & bil has been paying bills, all child expenses, her credit card, her private pension & healthcare since he left but he now says once DD leaves for uni this will all stop as he’s not bank rolling her anymore & he has told my sis that once youngest DD turns 18 & leaves for uni he wants his house back. He has also met someone else which I did know about but didn’t say anything to sis as he said wasn’t sure how serious it was plus it’s not my business. Anyway all hell has broken loose now & my sis is threatening all sorts but main problem is that she has asked me to cut him off completely, he’s not to come to our home or speak to us on phone, we’re not to meet up socially or invite him to any functions etc. I don’t agree we should as he is my niece’s Dad & has done absolutely nothing wrong & he is very much part of our lives still but if I don’t I could lose my sis..I’m torn but I don’t think she’s right to expect this from us

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 26/07/2023 11:12

If he and your DH have been very close friends for 20-ish years then I think she is unreasonable to say that that must end.

CherryMaDeara · 26/07/2023 11:13

YANBU. She was exceptionally stupid not to marry him.

Why doesn’t she have a job?

Justcallmebebes · 26/07/2023 11:16

Did she expect him to support her indefinitely? I wouldn't cut off someone I'd known for so long who had done nothing wrong.

Your sister needs to get a grip and then get a job

Changedname23 · 26/07/2023 11:16

Your sister needs to get a job and prepare for a house sale. I think she is being unreasonable expecting him to be cut off from everyone but you do need to support her and take sides to some extent. Talk to her and gently support her to move forward.

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:17

CherryMaDeara · 26/07/2023 11:13

YANBU. She was exceptionally stupid not to marry him.

Why doesn’t she have a job?

We did tell her this but she said they just never got around to it & they weren’t bothered.
Because she didn’t need one

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 26/07/2023 11:19

I think if it was an agreed split between the two of them for the reasons you've mentioned she is BU - he sounds like he's providing crazy amounts of support at the moment (which I've never heard of anyone doing!) and sounds like he's being more than fair considering they aren't married and the DC are on the older side.

WeWereInParis · 26/07/2023 11:20

PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:17

We did tell her this but she said they just never got around to it & they weren’t bothered.
Because she didn’t need one

Show quote history

They split 2 years ago, why hasn't she got a job in the last two years? She must have known this point was coming?

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 26/07/2023 11:20

Well now she needs one. Simple as that tell her..

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:20

Changedname23 · 26/07/2023 11:16

Your sister needs to get a job and prepare for a house sale. I think she is being unreasonable expecting him to be cut off from everyone but you do need to support her and take sides to some extent. Talk to her and gently support her to move forward.

I have said this to her (that she needs to get a job), he has offered her the flat to stay in whilst she sorts out something more permanent but she’s told him to stick that where sun doesn’t shine. I have explained that we can’t just cut him off but she won’t listen to her it’s black & white..he’s betrayed her so we cut him off

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 26/07/2023 11:22

She's received loads more financially than she could reasonably expect as an unmarried partner. I think that BIL could have said this when they split so she had time to train or start working and saving.

She is very unreasonable to dictate your contact with BIL. Funny that she was fine when he was paying thousands on expenses that he didn't really owe her.

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:23

WeWereInParis · 26/07/2023 11:20

They split 2 years ago, why hasn't she got a job in the last two years? She must have known this point was coming?

Show quote history

I think she’s buried her head in sand for last 2 years & as he was paying everything there was no urgency for her. My parents & my other sibling have tried talking to her about this but she’s largely ignored us. I know she has a very good savings account in her own name so suspect she will just live off that for some time.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 26/07/2023 11:25

She needs to act like a grown up and also get a job, she won't listen because she chooses not too, so not sure what else anyone can say

StillPerplexed · 26/07/2023 11:25

CherryMaDeara · 26/07/2023 11:13

YANBU. She was exceptionally stupid not to marry him.

Why doesn’t she have a job?

Surely it was prescient not to get married, as they ended up splitting in the end. Who wants to go through divorce proceedings??

PomTiddlyPomPom · 26/07/2023 11:30

Wow, your sister is very entitled and has received far more financial support that she was owed.
She needs to get her head out of her arse and find a job, pronto.
I wouldn't cut bil off at all, he sounds like a really decent guy.

Daleksatemyshed · 26/07/2023 11:32

I know she's furious but could you manage a sensible, down to earth talk with your Dsis Op. Maybe tell her even in divorce spousal maintenance is very uncommon now and CM only lasts until the DC are a certain age so your Bil was never going to support her forever. I dare say your Bil has changed his views a bit now he has a GF which angers her more but they split by mutual agreement and they both need to move on.

PomTiddlyPomPom · 26/07/2023 11:32

StillPerplexed · 26/07/2023 11:25

Surely it was prescient not to get married, as they ended up splitting in the end. Who wants to go through divorce proceedings??

Show quote history

She would have come out with half of the marital assets in a divorce, including the house, flat and his pension.
As it stands she is entitled to very little and has done well to live off him for the last 2 years.
She was incredibly stupid not to marry.

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:33

I really don’t want to cut him off but I just don’t want to be insensitive to my sister & her feelings, I’m hoping she’ll calm down & realise she is being unreasonable but doesn’t look likely

OP posts:
lovesheart · 26/07/2023 11:34

He actually sounds lovely tbf.. offered house till children are adults, supporting her completely financially whilst split till kids are adults. It's not really fair to expect someone to be responsible for an adult that they have no ties to indefinitely.

I wouldn't be biting at him, he could withdraw his generosity as he isn't obliged to do so much. I'm sure given what he is doing that he would help her plan work and finances in the interim till she is on her own two feet. He does sound thoughtful.

And NO. She can't dictate your relationships. It's not like he is a monster or done anything particularly wrong. If my partner and I split, I would still want an amicable relationship between family members. After so long in each others lives I would be quite upset if my child father was randomly ostracised and my child could no longer enjoy family gatherings. It's always been important for me for my child to feel held and secure around us adults.

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:34

PomTiddlyPomPom · 26/07/2023 11:32

She would have come out with half of the marital assets in a divorce, including the house, flat and his pension.
As it stands she is entitled to very little and has done well to live off him for the last 2 years.
She was incredibly stupid not to marry.

Show quote history

She wasn’t stupid not to marry him she was stupid to become dependent on him & not have any contingency of her own.

OP posts:
PomTiddlyPomPom · 26/07/2023 11:35

PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:34

She wasn’t stupid not to marry him she was stupid to become dependent on him & not have any contingency of her own.

Show quote history

Fair enough, she has allowed herself to end up in this position either way.

Spirallingdownwards · 26/07/2023 11:37

Wow even now he is offering her the flat to live in until she sorts herself out. She should be grateful that he has made this offer on top of the support he has already given bearing in mind as the OP says she failed to protect her own (unmarried status) position.

I agree no reason to cut this friend from your life just because she is acting in an entitled manner and frothing!

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:41

lovesheart · 26/07/2023 11:34

He actually sounds lovely tbf.. offered house till children are adults, supporting her completely financially whilst split till kids are adults. It's not really fair to expect someone to be responsible for an adult that they have no ties to indefinitely.

I wouldn't be biting at him, he could withdraw his generosity as he isn't obliged to do so much. I'm sure given what he is doing that he would help her plan work and finances in the interim till she is on her own two feet. He does sound thoughtful.

And NO. She can't dictate your relationships. It's not like he is a monster or done anything particularly wrong. If my partner and I split, I would still want an amicable relationship between family members. After so long in each others lives I would be quite upset if my child father was randomly ostracised and my child could no longer enjoy family gatherings. It's always been important for me for my child to feel held and secure around us adults.

He has been incredibly generous, my DH actually said to him that he’s being taken for a mug but his stance was that she is the mother of his 2 girls & he would be damaging his daughters if he drastically altered their mother’s lifestyle & he would never do that to them. It’s so difficult as we have a our parent’s anniversary party coming up in November & she has demanded he is uninvited (which is ultimately up to my parents)

OP posts:
Soonenough · 26/07/2023 11:41

She is probably terrified as to what her future holds for her. Her decision not to work while together was taken by both of them at the time, so she can't take all of the blame . She needs to come to terms with her new situation, try to support her on that . You need to say that you can not agree to cutting him off but that you will try to avoid any awkward encounters with her.

Emmamoo89 · 26/07/2023 11:43

YANBU X

Puffalicious · 26/07/2023 11:46

I'm sorry but your sister must ne made to see how ridiculous she's being. A PP is correct when she says that even in divorce spousal maintenance is very rare these days. I can't believe stories I hear about people who just don't work EVER. Her DC are 19 and 17, there's been absolutely no reason for many, many years for her not to work. My DC are almost 19 & 17 and I could not even imagine not working in all that time.We're not living in the 1950s FGS.

She can't expect you guys to cut contact, that's just plain wrong. I divorced from my exH 14 years ago and my brother is still very close to him: I had no issue with them being friends, because I'm a decent human being, as is ExH, and as your BIL appears to be.

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