To not side with Sis over her ex

[PrFi]

My sis & her ex (bil) were together 22 years & about 2 years ago they separated, they never married & have 2 DD 17 & 19. Prior to their separation we were always together as a foursome & saw each other several times a week plus my DH & he are very close friends. Their split was amicable & mutual, both just decided that relationship had run its course but we were all naturally upset about it. Bil moved into a flat that he owns & sis stayed in house, the house is bil’s (inherited from his parents) but he wanted kids to stay in their home so he moved out. My sis doesn’t work & bil has been paying bills, all child expenses, her credit card, her private pension & healthcare since he left but he now says once DD leaves for uni this will all stop as he’s not bank rolling her anymore & he has told my sis that once youngest DD turns 18 & leaves for uni he wants his house back. He has also met someone else which I did know about but didn’t say anything to sis as he said wasn’t sure how serious it was plus it’s not my business. Anyway all hell has broken loose now & my sis is threatening all sorts but main problem is that she has asked me to cut him off completely, he’s not to come to our home or speak to us on phone, we’re not to meet up socially or invite him to any functions etc. I don’t agree we should as he is my niece’s Dad & has done absolutely nothing wrong & he is very much part of our lives still but if I don’t I could lose my sis..I’m torn but I don’t think she’s right to expect this from us

*Not living in the 1950s

Going slightly against the grain here- did he tell her this was temporary before now? Whilst he has counties to fund her, was she made aware of when that would cease? And that if she's married him- after that length he would have had to give her a hell of a lot more than 2 yrs subsidised living in a divorce settlement. She basically walking away from a 20 yr relationship with fuck all.......I would be bitter, even if her choices to try and get herself financially stable on the last 2 years hadn't happened.

Well, she’s been exceptionally daft and, for some unfathomable reason, has continued that since her split. I guess that’s her choice, just as it’s your choice (and a reasonable one at that!!) not to cut off a family member and friend who’s been in your life for so long and who hasn’t done anything wrong.

It’s so difficult as we have a our parent’s anniversary party coming up in November & she has demanded he is uninvited (which is ultimately up to my parents)

To be fair, while I don't think you or your DH should stop being friends with him, I wouldn't really expect him to be invited to family events like that. Although I suppose he was invited since they split, and she was happy with it until he told her he'd be stopping the money when the youngest was 18?

She has just found out that he has new partner and she will shortly have nowhere to live. He has a house and a flat and if they were married he would have had to share these, so can see from her perspective why upset. I think give her time to get used to situation. I can see from her perspective why she doesn't want him at your parents anniversary party. I think having contact is one thing but he doesn't need to come to big events on her side of the family.

I do feel for her though. They made the decision together for her not to work during their marriage and now she’s got little to show, financially, for their long relationship.
in terms of inviting him to family events, I don’t think that’s very fair on her. I don’t think she can say you have to cut him off altogether but she doesn’t want her ex at family occasion, and I think that’s fair.

I think she will eventually but it’s just so hard to get her to understand at the moment. Tbh I haven’t worked in last 8 years but I was financially able to make that choice & I would have options if I ended up in her situation however my bil is very wealthy so for them that was absolutely no need for her to go to work & that’s fine but she clearly thought financial independence wasn’t worth planning for. I think this is just a knee jerk reaction to try & hurt him in some way but I will have to try & make her see sense as we cannot just cut him off

From what I'm reading I wouldn't have any sympathy for her tbh. Entitled and grabby comes to mind.
Who the hell does she think she is to try and tell you who you can and can't talk to? I'd be telling her to jog on.

Someone with no job, no property and poor employment prospects

I totally understand that you feel that way, but you can't cut someone off on demand. He is still a close friend and family member, and to be honest she is acted like an entitled brat. She was never entitled to two years "free loading" on her ex. He could have been very different about things, but it was amicable and he stepped up, I think he's gone above and beyond. In many ways, he still is - it really isn't up to him to solve her issues for her, and offering the flat is kind (especially since he must know that he'd probably struggle to get her out again, if this is any measure of things). Nobody is entitled to live off someone else forever.

Sorry but he has shafted her. Good enough for her to leave her job to raise the kids whilst he continues to earn, but not good enough to marry her so she doesn’t get the half she would have been entitled too, to actually stand on her own two feet. He cut her off at the knees and is trying to come across as the good guy!

Sorry, but always sister over ex, always.

When they separated he told her that whilst girls were at home he would support her & them financially & that their lifestyle would remain as is but I think she assumed that he meant until they moved into their own home not left for uni/were legal adults.
They were getting on perfectly well until he told her this arrangement would be ending. She won’t move into the flat because she says it’s humiliating & an insult although he’s not expecting rent (it’s actually a really lovely 3 bed garden flat not a bedsit!)

There is no need for him go to your parents party. I can't believe he accepted that invite. Sounds like you and your OH are more concerned with hurting his feelings. Can't believe your OH told him he was a mug. That's seriously shit stirring there.

Well, if he's very wealthy and they made that decision for her not to work she was very, very short-sighted not to marry. She would have got a good settlement via divorce.

I've not married my partner of almost 13 years as the house I've always lived in is my name and I work. If we ever split- which I don't foresee, but you never know- I'd cope fine like I did when I was a single parent. We're looking to become legal partners as we're getting older and want to protect each other if anything happens to either of us.

She decided to have two children with him without marrying him, and on top of that she decided to give up work. She may be bitter and angry at walking away with little following a long relationship, but this is a consequence of choices she made. He’s actually been very reasonable towards her, and has provided more than he has needed to.

I wouldn’t cut him off if you have a good relationship with him, but I would keep your relationships with both entirely separate.

I can see things from your sisters POV. Unfortunately many don't realise the legal need for marriage. Presumably your BIL encouraged your sister to gave up her career, raised the DC and look after the home so he could progress in his career. He probably refused to marry. She would have walked away with alot more if they were married. Sounds like he has done a number on her and is doing fine. She needs your support.

For all we know that was something she wanted to do, without encouragement from him. Even so, she didn’t need to agree to give up work, or have children with him without the security of marriage.

My parents asked her if they should invite him as girls wanted him there as well & she said yes obviously prior to this issue.

He's offering her a three bedroom flat rent free.

She's hardly been shafted, she chose to have dc and not work, OP said that they weren't bothered about getting married. The gravy train is coming to an end and she has been silly not to plan ahead from the beginning for her personal future.
It's not just a piece of paper, it gives you protection if and when the shit hits the fan. It is very naive to think otherwise especially if dc are involved.

She won’t move into the flat because she says it’s humiliating & an insult although he’s not expecting rent (it’s actually a really lovely 3 bed garden flat not a bedsit!)

That's completely absurd of her. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face! Tashe should take the flat, get a job, & get on her feet.

Unless she was forced to give up work she chose too, she needs to own that choice as all grown ups do

There is only so long females can blame men for not using the brains they were given at birth it is patronising and insulting 'a man made me do it'

she isn’t being sensible, she needs to work and be grateful for the flat. But I do think she needs your support, and I think it would be hard for her if he goes to your parents wedding anniversary party.

He has in no way shafted her, she’s been living in a 5 bed detached house with no mortgage or any bills & had a private pension & health care paid for plus a 5k credit card bill every month for 2 years. Whatever happens moving forward she won’t become destitute she just needs to adapt to a different lifestyle & get a job. I will always be there for my sister & if we eventually lose contact with him organically then so be it as he has a new gf & will move on with new friend circles/family etc but to be asked to just cut him off. I love my 2 nieces very much & this would be very hurtful for them

If he's that wealthy why can't he leave her with the house and she can get a job to support herself?

You sound way too involved in what he is doing/thinking OP. They have split up now so it is impossible for things to remain the same socially. I'm not saying cut him off but atop entertaining his side of things and tell your husband to butt out with his opinion too.