To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

What was the resistance you experienced when you told them they couldn't visit before?

This would be way too much for me tbh, for either side of the family. Every single week, when do you get to see friends, have hobbies, do things as a family? I'd say once every 2-3wk is perfect. I feel like we see my in-laws all the time tbh and that's just once every month or two! My own parents every four or five months.

It's absolutely fine to not wanna see them weekly. You have three options: scale back how often you see them, switch it up and visit them as well as them visiting you, or let DH take the lead on seeing them and go have a bit of rest for yourself sometimes when they come over. But don't let anyone tell you that it's an expectation you'll see family every single week, that's nuts.

Get dh to take baby round there every Sunday morning.

Definitely this! Problem solved!

You have really weird, enmeshed, overly familiar relationships with your family to me. I would hate seeing either side more than once every three or four weeks and I have a great relationship with mine and DH's families. And wouldn't dream of having guests and not making sure the place was clean/tidy/we were presentable/not offering snacks/drinks etc. whether or not I was related to them.

Week 1
They visit.

Week 2
They take baby for a walk

Week 3
DH takes baby to visit.

Problem solved You and dh get a bit of time together, you get a bit of time on your own and the grandparents get a bit of solo baby time. Win/win/win.

Honestly I totally get you. A
lol the mils moaning on here how awful she's being, when your dil has a child help her and not create more work, especially if have a raised a lazy son! Just saying!

Seeing family once a week is not "weird" or "enmeshed", get a grip.

He doesn't, he finds his family harder work than mine for the reasons I mentioned earlier.

I know how it feels, especially nap disruption but honestly especially if you're planning to have more children. Don't start severing bonds now. It's 2 hours once a week. And you never know when you might need them.

I've made this very mistake and I'm starting to rectify it years and 2 kids later.

Believe me when your little one is a toddler those two hours will feel like a little break.

And, in any case, it's not up to me to manage his relationship with his family.

You don't want this to become a habit forever more. I could not do with having every Sunday dictated to. No way. I would be honest about this though. I would try and find a compromise by getting DH to invite them over for tea after work during the week (he would sort all of this) . Tell them such a rigid visiting schedule isn't for you. You have to be blunt with these types of people, they don't getting decide your time for you.

Oh dear. I'm taking the piss out of supersnook who thinks that people whose families aren't like hers are 'weird' and 'unfamilylike'. Seems impossible for some people to get their heads around the fact that all families are different and it doesn't make anyone 'weird' or not 'a family' if you don't want to be up in each other's business 24/7 or you see one another once a year. Both perfectly normal.

Sorry, my bad, I should have realised!

YABU. Once a week for a couple of hours is really not that much.

He does if I ask him to. Not to the same standard as I would. I'm not getting down and scrubbing the floor or anything. He doesn't think it's as important as I do.

I don't understand comments saying to just leave it. Again, my house isn't a clinically clean show home, but I can't have people round (anyone really, except my mom) without at least hoovering and wiping up. Maybe that is a me problem.

Make your husband clean up and entertain them. Make it his problem. Go out.

I think the key points are this

1. she goes to her mums house- that means no work for her other than travel
2. she is one effectively being asked to host mil visit to her house- creating extra work. What’s the dp doing to host his own mum and his own child. It’s not unreasonable to not want to have to host mil every single week
3. mil is coming round during precious weekend times meaning her ,dp and dc are being limited on their own plans week in week out . If mil varied dates and times or was more flexible thst would make a difference to their ability to have family time together

and when all is said and done, in the vast majority of cases each parent will naturally be drawn to their own parents. Of course she’s going to prefer being with her own mum - that’s not a terrible thing. Of course she’ll be more relaxed around her win mum, if they have a good relationship. Of course they’ll have more to talk about- her whole lifetime and her own mothers mothering skills that she was bought up with. It is just natural and very very common. It is way less common to regard your mil in exactly the same way as your own mother fgs

but maybe you are a perfect human with no biases about anything

Its clearly not, since you see your own mother at least once a week.
Why would it be too much for the other grandmother to not see her grandchild as often?

I think every bloomin Sunday being taken up with this is too much.
There's no flexibility in it.

Your DP needs to help out. He should go over there at least every second Sunday with the baby on his own.

No reason why that can't happen. Get him used to doing that. It'd also help him to bond with the baby.

Can he drop the baby off at their house for a couple of hours? Then you'll really see it they want time with the baby or if they just want 'a day out' over at yours every Sunday.

You are taking over his relationship with his parents, and doing the ugly work of that relating for him. He could restore his relationship with them.
Not your problem to fix that.

He doesn't want to spend every Sunday with them but is a very non-confrontational person. I will try and get out to their house more instead.

Why not send DH with baby for an hour on Sunday morning so you can rest or tell them catch up on chores?

Having said that, my in-laws were so offended when I didn't pitch up on these visits and complained to others. DH used to work crazy hours during the week and during that time when he took toddler to them, I was actually catching up on work, not even resting. No wonder I'm not keen on having them round now, the judging never ends.

Why are people so shocked and outraged that OP might prefer to see her own parents more frequently than her in laws?

I wouldn't expect anything else tbh.

I know what you're saying about making it work to my advantage but I really just wanted to slob out and do jack shit. I don't want people to come round when I'm feeling unwell. I wouldn't even want my own mom round when I'm feeling naff.

Once a week would be way way way too much for me (and no, I don't expect or indeed want babysitting from grandparents). But - that includes my family. The problem here is that it's one rule for your mother and another for his family.

Surely the answer here is your DH pops over to them at some point over the weekend and gives you a break and then the opportunity to see the baby then everyone wins!

I don't think (I hope not) they will be controlling with their grandchild. I usually say to come for 11 (baby wakes at 7 and naps every 2 hours roughly - shit sleeper but that's by the by) so he'll be awake and happy at 11 approx ready for a visit.
However they normally rock up around 12/half 12, by which time he's well into his wake window and even starting to get fussy.
I know not everyone believes in wake windows but time past has been hell with his naps and being overtired at night so I'm not willing to compromise on nap times. It seems to be working over the last few weeks so I'm sticking to my guns on that one.