To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

I do think people are being a bit dramatic with their conclusions and comments that she's barring them and that. I can see both sides really, yes it's unreasonable to see one side consistently and be unwilling to do so with the other. I also think it's unreasonable if the in laws won't listen when asked if they could visit at a time that doesn't impact nap time, and if they do expect to be hosted weekly and won't host themselves.
And I know loys of people say to just not bother about the cleaning but surely most people want to give a good impression to people as important as in laws, or have felt judged by family members in one way or another.

I'm not reading it as you don't want the in laws to see the baby frequently but would maybe like more flexibility on their side, and it sounds like you should expect more from your partner to facilitate it.

Yes it is odd how not wanting my in laws to come over every Sunday = not wanting them to have a relationship with their grandchild at all. Of course that isn't the case.

Why don’t you preempt this yourself, by arranging things in the diary with them, which suit your schedule and are things you want to do. Then, when they say can we come over on Sunday, you can make an excuse and say, ‘but really looking forward to our walk next Tuesday’ so they don’t feel fobbed off.

Regarding naps, my baby naps on a schedule, and any uninvited guests just have to get over it!

I think what’s happening is that they’ve taken all control away from you regarding their visit. They only come for two hours a week which I think is reasonable but they’ve set it for every Sunday and they won’t budge. You have no say. They get to decide and it’s frustrating because Sundays will always be their decision of how you spend your day. Your mother doesn’t make you do that, you choose when in the week you see her.

You’ll feel much better when you get back control of your own schedule. The problem is, they will still want to see grandson each week for two hours (which is pretty reasonable, count your lucky stars). To cut back on that would seem a bit cruel. So it’s a matter of when and where. Yes they work full time but you can still decide when and where based on when they’re off. The thing is, they want it to be the weekend, you want it to be in the week and reserve weekends for your husband and son time. Can you go to them on a weekday evening or have lunch with them in the week?

Have tried to reply to as many comments as possible.
Sorry I missed some context out of the OP.
I will talk to my DP again and ask that he makes the effort to take our child to them more often. If they don't want that, I'm going to say twice a month is more than enough for them to come to us.

I resent being accused of not wanting my baby to have a relationship with his grandparents. Obviously, I do. Not everyone's family dynamic is the same. I'm a nice, polite DIL and as I've previously stated I get on better with my in laws than my DP does. I had a baby 4 months ago and don't want people impeding on my weekend, the only proper time I get with my partner, every weekend. I love that they enjoy seeing their grandson, really I do. Obviously I need to voice my needs and wants to them. Anecdotally my mom got into the routine of visiting one of my grandparents every single Saturday from the time we were babies until I said I didn't want to go anymore when I was in high school. I'm not having the same situation, it's going to drive me mental. And yes my DP probably is a bit of a wet lettuce. He is very shy and introverted. I would also describe myself as an introvert. I will try and talk to him again.

Thanks for all the comments that didn't seek to specifically make me feel like the worst person to walk the earth and offered advice.

What's stifling to me personally isn't the in-laws wanting to come over for 2 hours once a week, it's how rigid you are about routine.

Then coming for dinner sometimes, you going over theirs for dinner etc would give you more free time at weekends.

Its pretty unusual i think to be going to bed at 7pm every night with a baby to sit in a pitch black room, and it means your baby must barely see his dad (especially if he's coming as soon as he gets home). If you're going to do that, then at least for all of your sanity push bed back by a bit so you have some time together. Having that flexibility will allow GP to visit as well as all the other advantages.

The other option is to try and shift the timing of the GP visit to much earlier or much later so you've still got the day free to do stuff.

Once a week is too much for your in-laws to be allowed but twice a week or as often as you want for your own family? Why can you not pre empt the in-laws and call around there? You should be glad they show an interest and that you have so much support on hand. I would give anything to have either side of the family on hand and interested. You are the one putting pressure on yourself to have everything perfect not them. Chill out and enjoy them.

A good compromise might be you and your partner going to visit in-laws one evening a week (after partner and in laws finish work), maybe having a cup of tea and some biscuit and then using babies bedtime to leave early.
That's a win-win, you get weekends with your partner and baby, you don't have to host in-laws. They Still get to see the baby and get to see DP too as an added bonus.

Excellent suggestion.

Personally I hope that if and when my son marries a woman I'll have enough emotional maturity to realise that most people are more comfortable around their own family than their in laws, and that I shouldn't take it personally.

Honestly you said like a great mum putting your baby first.

My DS was like this as a young baby, we just accepted it and put his needs first. It was for a very short time after all. It was either that or go anywhere we liked at any time but have an unhappy, overtired, screaming baby in tow.

By about 8 months he was way more flexible and would nap anywhere.

Couldn’t you make them feel more involved and useful. I think they might feel better and you wouldn’t feel so resentful if you perhaps ask them to take the baby for a walk or just watch him while you get on with some jobs. Tell them it would help you, instead of them sitting there while you feel you have to entertain them. Or even ask them to lend a hand themselves I’m sure you and your husband must have some jobs they could help with and feel useful.
I think you said when your mother in law visited during the week she helped at bathtime and she enjoyed it.
I understand you feel more comfortable with your own mum most people do but as pp said you might be the mother in law yourselves one day.

I would like a slightly later bedtime for LO but he only naps for 20-30 minutes at a time at the moment (which I've read is developmentally normal for his age) so by the time 7pm rolls around he is tired and ready for bed. He wakes up at 6am so it's a pretty long day already. We started off doing bathtime routine at 8pm but pushed it back to 7:30pm and now 7pm because he was fighting his 5th nap so much. So I have tried.

Although to be honest what do people with older but still young kids do in the week? I know many moms who have 2/3/4/5 year olds who go to bed at 7pm and some even earlier. Is it not just the way it is when they're young? I won't always go to bed with him, I'm just following the SIDS guidance

@littlebean95 your routine is fine. Some babies love routine. My DS would have merrily stayed up to go to restaurants etc and went to bed later in the evening but my DD got very angry if she didn't get to bed at 6pm every night and that was from a few months old.

I will definitely suggest it. I think he's more likely to go over on a weekend himself though to be honest. In laws live a 25-30 minute drive away.
I don't have to do to his bedtime routine to the minute, if it's half an hour later or so it is what it is. I'm not batting ideas away, appreciate the suggestion, but I can't see my dp wanting to go over after 10 hours at work. But then if I don't want every weekend and they can't do the weekday, I suppose weekday evenings are all there is. Will tell DP.

My in-laws visit 1-2 times a week - if it's once then we'll visit there once a week, so they see them twice a week generally. My parents will pop in anything from once to five times a week and/or I'll pop to them! We are happy with this but each to their own!

but I can't see my dp wanting to go over after 10 hours at work.
@littlebean95
Sorry I miss the part where you're in-laws live further away, I don't think I'd want to do that trip either after 10 hours at work 😅. Could always meet halfway for a pub dinner or a walk somewhere? Saves you doing tea and would be a 15 minute journey rather than the whole 30 minutes

*your in laws

It would be too much for me and probably wouldn’t be sustainable to get into a habit in the long-term when the kids have activities/parties and you’re back at work. But… I do think you have to try and be fair ish across both sides which may mean dropping back how often you’re seeing your own family too.

I would also suspect the OP has been made to feel like she has to run around tidying up. so many of my friends have been subject to passive aggressive comments about cleaning from their MILs or very occasionally own mums. Never the dads or FILs. Once you start from a position of feeling judged it’s not going to make for a relaxing time.

I also wouldn’t be changing bedtime routine of a baby to accommodate weekly grandparent visits. My youngest was a howling mess if she wasn’t in a darkened room by 7. Hell would have frozen over before I’d have put her in the car for an evening visit. My eldest was more flexible but we were still in a pretty strict routine.

Just tell your hubby and them that it will be every 2 weeks and you will alternate those weeks visiting them!
put your foot down !

Re older kids.

My first, I've always been quite relaxed about bedtime, so ordinarily it's 7.30, but if sometimes it's later it's no big deal. Last body we had visitors so it was 10, but it's the school holidays so it doesn't really matter.

My second has a v serious health condition which means we need to be extremely rigid about naps and routine although she's 4. We don't stray from routine for her more than about 30m. Its very claustrophobic.

We can go round someone's house locally for dinner etc though, we are just careful on timings.

The very frequent visiting tends to drop off a bit over time unless there's a rigid routine in place anyway. My in laws saw my first every couple of weeks initially, by the time she'd reached a year it was every 3 months, now it's 2-3 times a year for an hour.

I feel the same way about going back to work.
I can't lie and say in laws have ever made specific comments about my house but their house is very clean. One particular story sticks in my head that my DP has told me from when he was growing up. In laws had gone away and come back and MIL cried when they got into the house as Dp and sibling hadn't bothered to clean for their return. House could have been a state, I wasn't there to know, but anyway I just feel judged when I haven't hoovered or polished, I don't think that's unreasonable really.

I said this in a comment not the OP so you weren't to know but I'm not going to see my mom less. I take her shopping and sometimes clean for her or fill the dishwasher, she is disabled. I see my dad WAY way less than I see in laws.

If DH is the one agreeing to the visits, he needs to be the one facilitating them. You shouldn't need to sit and make small talk. And if baby needs a nap, just pick up baby and say "nap time!" and off you go. Leave DH to socialise. If he won't, they'll be left sitting there feeling silly. If they complain, tell them the time doesnt currently work and they'd get more time if they can at X o'clock.

The tidying shouldn't be an issue. Just don't do it! With 2 adults and a non-mobile baby the only way it can need a panic-clean every week is if your DH doesn't do his half. Otherwise it really can't be that bad and you just DON'T run round and clean.