To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

Totally agree - its very rigid when she only gets the weekend for any proper time with her partner. Not to mention that in a few years, there will be parties to go to left right and centre from Reception years upwards, so its very unlikely they would be able to keep visiting set to a specific day.

All the people who say keep them on side for childcare in the school holidays - they may want to use holiday clubs or the grandparents themselves may not be upto looking after young children or want to do it. I’d rather be honest with grandparent’s and say every 2 weeks and perhaps her DH take the baby over to them from time to time to mix it up.

YANBU

@Bananagirl23 Bloody hell, same. My weekends are precious and setting a precedent for an ongoing routine like this is nightmare material.

OP, start planning weekend activities and shake up the arrangement, ASAP. Don't even ask if you can go to them, just say 'coming here doesn't work with our plans this weekend, we'll be at yours for x o'clock'.

That way you can leave sooner and have more control over the situation.

Do you really not understand that of the millions, billions, of people and families in the world, some will have different likes, dislikes and dynamics than yours?

How limiting.

but this is a you problem

next time they come over, keep your pjs on and don’t tidy.

use them for childcare whilst you do some bits, if that’s what you want- or go and piss off and take a bath

tell them to take the baby for a walk

if they express disdain over the state of the house- hand them a duster or the baby

i honestly couldn’t deal with entertaining my in laws to this level. When mine are over they are helpful, but because I have encouraged that.

This - my in-laws used to come over every weekend while I was on mat leave. But I didn't make any special effort to clean/tidy for them or felt the need to particularly 'entertain' them as such. They'd also bring lunch over to help us out, and if DD (or I) needed a nap while they were here, we'd have one. They were coming over to see us and their granddaughter, not judge us on the state of our house!

the only thing limiting is OP’s internal fears about being judged on tidiness rather than thinking ‘fuck it’ and pointing them towards the pram and the door

I sort of have the opposite problem. I have accidentally set the precedent of a weekly visit to mine and now I feel if I don’t they will be upset. I like to keep very busy during the week so I find it hard to fit it in. I think it’s fine if you saw them weekly previously but harder if you saw then infrequently before and now all the time. This is my issue, we never saw ILs this much before and now it’s at least once a week, sometimes more!

It can be a bit full on sometimes, but then I remember they want to help with childcare soon and also that I will really appreciate them having a good relationship with ds in the future. Also that my parents are far away so it sort of compensates for that a bit.

On balance it’s worth the effort even if it feels like a big commitment every week. Your partner shouldn’t be afraid of saying ‘oh we’re having a family day this weekend just us’ or being firmer about the timings they do come however. It’s okay to also have some boundaries too! I need to get better at this myself and just say I’m having a busy week or whatever but I understand it’s hard when they are close by!

Also not to be nit picky but why should your parent get to see you dc multiple times a week but not ILs once a week if both sets are nearby (any relationship with ILs issues notwithstanding) - perhaps you can offer to go to them?

This is a great idea.

The solution to 90% of inlaw problems is to make it your husband issue to deal with. As you’ve said, your husband is happy to keep them happy but you unhappy .

He doesn’t want to upset them but he’s happy to upset you.

He’s happy for him to take the glory of being a great son who lets them come around anytime they want but for you to do the work of cleaning the house and entertaining them.

So make it his issue. Let him go around to his parents while you have a rest at home / go and see your friends / go to the gym.

When they come to you, let him do the cleaning / tidying / entertaining. If baby is grumpy later because he has missed his nap, let his father deal with it .

Contrary to what some Pp have suggested, you are under no moral or legal obligation to spend YOUR maternity leave 50:50 on your husbands family and your own family . It’s your leave to recover from the birth and feed and care for your baby. No one else has any claim on that time.

Your husband has the legal right to take family leave and annual leave and of course he can choose to spend this taking baby to his family or hosting them at your house. It’s up to him to do this, not try to guilt trip you into spending your leave the way he wants.

Do not let this current pattern of weekly visits from your ILs become established. Once you are back to work you will be too tired, you will end up working 7 days a week - 5 at work, one on housework and one keeping your in laws entertained . You will become exhausted and resentful and it will end up damaging your marriage.

I'm surprised the way the comments are going
To have visitors every Sunday at lunchtime for 2 hours means Sunday is effectively out for doing anything.
I wouldn't want to see anyone that often, including my own family.
It's annoying as well to have to sit and host and make polite conversation when OP has been with a baby all week and wants to go out or chill out with her husband.
I'm also surprised at the number of people who don't have the house tidy for visitors. Not in a rude way, but because I assumed everyone tidies for visitors!

OP I'd cut the visits to once a fortnight, I'd invent a job I had to do after 20 mins polite chat and leave DH to entertain them. I'd be more specific about a time that suits. I'd also send them out on a walk with baby so you can have time alone

Sometimes people can be awful about tidyness etc

Two instances stand out in my own history:

• FIL visiting when it first was 4 days old, and telling me I needed to sort out the bathroom bin as it was smelling.
• FIL on coming round to see my daughter who had been seriously ill for hospital for a couple of months, was still ill, tube fed etc, multiple appointments a week and needing 24ht care, told me that I needed to sort out the limescale on the UNDERSIDE of taps in the bathroom

Its easy to say not to tidy for then etc, but when you know they judge every single thing, it's hard to sometimes.

To have visitors every Sunday at lunchtime for 2 hours means Sunday is effectively out for doing anything.

OP hasn’t mentioned lunch time.

You need to ask your DP why there was no change after you tried to talk to him about it. is he not concerned about what you're telling him?
And he needs to clean/host/make conversation, not you.

Just vary it up - one week they visit you; the next dh goes to them with the baby (if you don't want to go), the next you pop in on a week day, and the next you don see them at all.

@supersnook

Your insight into human behaviour is outstanding 😍

I had the same problem with the in laws when my DC was a newborn baby - they were very critical if the house wasn’t spotless and expected to be entertained with tea, cake etc. - thank goodness they only came about once a month but once a week with a tiny baby would be very hard

YABVU to say seeing YOUR mum twice a week is fine but your baby’s other GPs visiting half that amount is too much.

In-laws can't do anything right on here. This is just mean.

So, do you think the IL's are using the baby as a way of actually getting to see their own son; if contact/relationship prior to your baby being born was 'next to nothing'? They probably want to try and re-connect with their son.

Every single weekend? This would annoy me too OP. I'd maybe suggest they visit every 2nd weekend/once a month? or your DH takes baby to theirs every 2nd weekend/once a month?

And stop thinking that you need to clean prior to them coming. If they are genuine people, they won't care if your floors need a sweep or the washing up needs doing.

And if baby needs a proper nap, then so be it. He's your baby and it's your routine. They don't dictate especially if they rock up every weekend (it'd be different if it was twice a year; baby could fall asleep on a lap once in a while).

Visits between ANYONE - friends, family, colleagues, tradespeople, medical visits, anything - have to be mutually agreeable. One party doesn't get to impose on the other; if one party is imposing, it's because the other agrees that they have to take what they can get. You don't fall into that category.

Your DH is dumping responsibility for his parents on you. If he's giving you responsibility, take responsibility. Tell them what works for you, whether that's building up to saying no outright by changing days and times, or going cold turkey. JUST SAY NO.

Saying no doesn't make you mean and doesn't make you responsible for spoiling family relationships. This relationship is absolutely not yours to build or preserve. Saying no is about self-respect. The point in all this is that you have two grandparents who wish to spend time with their grandchild. That's lovely and wonderful and should be encouraged. But not under circumstances that are dictated to you.

You all get to preserve your boundaries, not just your DH and his parents.

I don't think there is a right answer to this. Some people will think 2 hrs a week is too much and others will think it isn't enough. You'd be happy for them to take baby out and others will be complaining that the ILs want to do that.

Why don't you ask DP to give them a ring and say out need to go shopping (food/DIY/clothes anything really) and would they have baby for a couple of hours if you drop him off? They might jump at the chance and you'd get a break. Maybe you could cope with them every other weekend if you could alternate weekends.

The people who often moan that they only want to spend time with their nuclear family and weekends are "family time" are the ones who complain 5 years down the line that there's no "village" when they need a babysitter

So seeing your relatives regularly is fine but not your husbands.

Honestly, yes, I prefer to see my relatives than my husband's. They're my family, I feel more comfortable around my mum and sisters than my parents in law. I have a son and if he marries a woman I expect she will feel the same.

But the relationship you have with your own mum is very different to your mum in law, isn't it? Your own mum knows you inside out and you can tell her when your not feeling your best etc, whereas you probably feel like you have to be at your best for a MiL because you want to impress them etc. I never feel as relaxed with my in laws as I do with my own parents and I think that's fair enough. Of course tte OP is going to visit her own mum more.

As someone with entirely uninterested grandparents, I think YABU.

Find another routine. Meet up at the park after breakfast, pop over to their house, plan a visit to the garden centre cafe etc. Your OH could take the baby to meet them on a weekend also.

Keep your house generally clean and then it won’t be such a palaver getting the house ready for them. Also they aren’t “people”, they’re your OH’s parents. You shouldn’t stand on ceremony.

Yes, exactly this. Also my husband's family are the absolute polar opposite to my family and I find them much harder work. When my family visit they get stuck in, making themselves tea, helping themselves to food, taking the initiative to do things with my DC, generally making themselves at home. That's normal for us, that's what I want and expect. When my in laws are here they sit and wait to be brought things, they don't make themselves at home. I have said numerous times I want them to feel completely welcome and at ease in our home but after ten years they still won't even help themselves to so much as a cup of tea. So I find them much harder work to have around than my own family, and frankly so does DH.

Your husband might feel the same.

I guess it's natural, some kind of compromise is needed for OP's situation.