To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

So, all of this angst for less than 2hr per week in one go. Righto🙄.

I saw my mom every other day when I was still pregnant on mat leave. I probably saw my in laws once every 3 months if that. Although my relationship with my mom is different not only because she is my mom but also because she has a disability so I clean for her occasionally and sometimes take her shopping.

Yeah, sorry, it was difficult to remember all the context for the OP that's on me.

If the baby Naps every two hours for (how long?) and has to be in his room to sleep, how do you ever go anywhere?

I know what you're saying about making it work to my advantage but I really just wanted to slob out and do jack shit. I don't want people to come round when I'm feeling unwell. I wouldn't even want my own mom round when I'm feeling naff
That's understandable.
Could you let them know in advance that your not feeling great and need time alone.
Communication is always the key and it can be hard to do. However once you've bitten the bullet and said something like 'hey, can we give Sunday a miss this week, I'm no feeling on top of the world at mo, but we can catch up next week'
Would that take the pressure off?

Where does everyone live that pushing a baby round in a pram for an hour is actually something you'd choose to do? You can't even properly interact if you're just walking in circles round a housing estate or trying to speak over large vehicles walking along busy roads

That they were disappointed they couldn't see him that weekend. Maybe I just need to grow a thicker skin. But if someone said to me not to come over, I wouldn't then make a comment that makes a new mom feel guilty about it.

I'm thinking it's possibly not the frequency of the visits that gets to you so much as it being on a Sunday? It'd really annoy me if any family member decided they were coming to my house EVERY Sunday.

If it was me, I'd try to vary it, and stretch it gradually to every 10 days, and even some Sundays ask them to look after baby while you and DP go out to get some time to yourselves. There are definitely ways to make the most of pushy contact that benefits both parties.

Where does everyone live that pushing a baby round in a pram for an hour is actually something you'd choose to do?You can't even properly interact if you're just walking in circles round a housing estate or trying to speak over large vehicles walking along busy roads
I thought most town and cities have some green space.
When mine were small I lived in a town that is always in the top 10 of deprived areas but there was still parks to walk to.

Sounds like a DH problem. He'll only help you with your household chores if you ask him nicely. He won't take his child out to see his parents.

I totally get it, OP.

My MIL always wants to pop round every Sunday evening at dinnertime when I'm knackered and just want to watch TV or scroll on my phone, and she talks and talks but never even asks me or DH how we are.

The scheduled nature of the Sunday visits also makes the weekends feel limited, like a big chunk of your free time is permanently blocked off and you have to plan your day around the obligatory visit. A two hour visit is fairly long in my opinion. Half an hour is a short visit.

Stopping by your mum's twice a week is different because it's not a "formal" visit as such. I bet you can make yourself at home and pass the baby to your mum, but with your in-laws it's more of a formal visit where you all sit in the lounge and make awkward chitchat?

I wouldn't like that either. It one thing if they are chilled out and are happy to dig in and help with the baby and around the house but another if they sit on the sofa like visiting dignitaries while you scuttle about making sure everyone is comfortable.

I know the weather has been awful but maybe you could meet them for a day out elsewhere rather than host? Might take some of the pressure to host off.

Also, maybe you could start having them around for dinner regularly on a weeknight so they can see the baby and you don't feel like they are stealing your weekend?

Why don't you drop in and see them for an hour in the week? The same way you do for your own mum. Then it's on them to cater to you and not vice versa.

Start one week by saying "oh we are off for a day out on Sunday so I thought I would pop round today instead"
The. The next week, "we really enjoyed that family time last Sunday so I will stick to visiting you in the week while I'm out and about with baby anyway"

I'm with you on this OP. Your husband is clearly a wet lettuce (ie "non confrontational") and won't say/do anything so you're going to have to.
If their visits are making you this unhappy, put a stop to them. If you aren't keen on the direct approach, just make sure you are out when they get there. Every time. They'll soon get the hint. Or send DH round to them every Sunday, before they get chance to leave the house. Why should it all fall on you? They are his parents. Why should you be beholden to them every weekend? I couldn't be doing with it - and that would be the same feeling whether it be my mum or OH's mum.

When they ask to visit net Sunday, if it was me, I would get your DH to say "Do you mind if we visit you? LittleBean is going stir crazy in the house, it would be nice to get a change of scene". Then you will be in control of when you go and how long you stay.

I suggest you visit them instead. That way you and your DH can be more in control over when you go and how long you'll stay and reduce the frequency here and there so that it's not a standing appointment at your house. You could say that you have plans that day but that you'll pop round to see them afterwards at X time.

He doesn't HAVE to be in his room to sleep. He will nap in the car or if I walk long enough with the pram. I go out at strategic times, as I'm sure many parents of young babies do?

I really agree with you, it probably is mean but the baby doesn't care if they visit! Refreshing sleep is very important, I also just carry baby up to bed if they need to sleep they shouldn't be turning up if you have already said that's not a good time.

My baby is 6 months we don't allow weekend visits more than once a month we need family time. People are welcome in the week when I can accommodate them and they are free to take an hour's leave if they need to do that.

We visit my in laws every other weekend, sometimes every weekend. Sometimes we say we’d like to come over and they say no because they’re going out- they have a life too! I think it’s ok to say no sometimes or insist on a time more suitable to you. It might even make it less tense?

it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong op with the naps or cleaning or wanting your own time on a Sunday. A rigid two hour slot every Sunday with the in-laws when even your partner doesn’t get on well with them doesn’t sound fun.

Thanks for your other comment also.
Maybe this makes me a bitch but I don't want them to come round in the evening. I'm sure people will say I'm not being accommodating but my other half gets in at 6 and we start bedtime with the LO at 7. I go up to bed with him in line with SIDS guidance. When he's a bit older, it'd be fine, but it's too much at the moment. DP looks after the baby while I make dinner, we shove it down then its basically time for bed.
That said we have had MIL round a couple of times to do bathtime. It was nice for her and baby.

So once or twice a week with your mum is ok but not for your dp parents? If you don't want to see them send him to theres with the baby. At least they come to you

I would very happily go in the week. They both work ft sadly

One a week to see their lovely grandson for 2 hours isn't too much to ask. I think your being mean. Talk to them and suggest that could they take dc out for couple of hours on Sunday so you could get some sleep and give them a time.

I’m with you. I’d hate an expected and horribly regular visit like this. I’d ask my husband to take the baby to visit them, or inform them that such a regular visit was not working for me anymore.