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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it upsetting how differently I’m treated with weight on me

318 replies

Thesesoundsfallintomymindyo · 25/07/2023 23:09

I’ve been from size 8-16 (large 16) during my life, on and off. I have to work very hard if I want to be slim, gym 3-4 times per week, watch everything I eat etc. I have chronic kidney stones, which take all mg energy away and I’ve piled on the weight.
I’d say I’m quite good looking when slim, definitely not when overweight, I just can’t carry it off as I have a lot of weight around my face etc.
People just seem to like me more when I’m slim, I’ve noticed it over the years, I seem to get more respect, even my parents seem disappointed in me when I’m overweight.
I’m invisible to strangers and men seem to look at me distastefully or not treat me in the same way as my slimmer friends, when I’m slim, the look at me and stop to let me past etc, even the kids I teach like me more when I’m slimmer and call me pretty etc
I’m exactly the same person, have the same hair, eyes, make up etc etc and yet am treated so poorly
Has anyone else had this?
I find it so wrong and upsetting

OP posts:
PistachioGelato · 27/07/2023 06:22

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 25/07/2023 23:42

Best thing is to adjust your diet and move about more, get your body healthy

Genius

Mittleme · 27/07/2023 17:57

You are not being unreasonable at all for thinking and observing you are treated differently .
That's the way we are as human beings . But the most important thing is how you feel about yourself . If you think you need to change the way you look and it will make you feel better then do it
it's not easy to loose weight . Loosing weight works better when the decision comes from you .
am currently paying £30 for 45 mins to a trainer twice a week to help me and the rest of the week 3 days am either doing power walks or jogging
.
it's not easy at all but I am happy to put in that effort because I must be honest I look at people and think how on earth did they wait to get to this stage but it's not their fault .
everyone has different challenges and is ready at their own time as long as they are happy

Quickandeasy · 27/07/2023 18:07

It’s not just weight though. Possibly some people experience being treated differently to when they are larger but it’s a lot more about how you present yourself as a person. What you wear, nice hair, make up and most importantly how you convey yourself E.g smiling at others. I have both fat and thin friends. My friend who is fat looks absolutely amazing because firstly she takes care of herself (for her benefit, no-one else), she has a beautiful smile and is so warm and approachable, people just gravitate to her. She gets a lot more positive attention from others because of this, not whether she’s overweight or not.
I’m sure there are a minority of people who just judge others on their weight, but you could argue there will always be people or judge others for all sorts of reasons such as what they wear, how tall or short they are, skin colour etc.

OMG12 · 27/07/2023 18:35

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 25/07/2023 23:42

Best thing is to adjust your diet and move about more, get your body healthy

It would probably be best if you leave the internet. But nothing is ideal is it?

moaningmyrtle4 · 27/07/2023 18:51

Welcome to our fatphobic society 😟

Blueblell · 27/07/2023 18:52

Yep! That’s the way it is….

Harls1969 · 27/07/2023 18:54

Yeah it's a thing. Not so much now I'm older, but when I was in my early 20s I was quite big. Lost a load of weight and male colleagues who just used to talk to me like one of the boys, suddenly started being flirty. Pissed me off because I was still me. I also noticed that female friends suddenly became wary when I was around their partners. Which also pissed me off - I hadn't suddenly become a man-eater. Time to concentrate more on how you feel about yourself and worrying less about how others perceive you ☺️

PeaceGoodMercutio · 27/07/2023 19:00

Hmm, got me thinking now!
At my heaviest, women were nicer to me.
At my lightest, I attracted very controlling men.
Men always seem to be rude to me actually, regardless of weight.

Cariadm · 27/07/2023 19:02

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 25/07/2023 23:38

It's evolution in action. Being obese is super super bad news for your health and subconsciously all humans recognise this.

There might of course be some truth in this and it is feasible, HOWEVER Size 16 is hardly obese is it and that is the size mentioned by the OP?! I am 75 years old with some health issues that require me to take medication which has caused me, along with inactivity due to arthritus, to put on a couple of stone over the last few years but would not consider myself to be 'obese'...it's difficult to say if I am now treated differently because when you get older you become invisible anyway so old AND fat, forget it!!! 😱

Iwant2stayanon · 27/07/2023 19:03

@Letsgetouttahere2023 bloody hell, if I had realised it was that simple I would have done it years ago. What a tw*t.

Cariadm · 27/07/2023 19:07

OMG12 · 27/07/2023 18:35

It would probably be best if you leave the internet. But nothing is ideal is it?

Show quote history

Totally agree!! What a fatuous and unnecessary remark to make...the OP wasn't asking for judgment nor patronising advice!!! 🙄😡

lookingforMolly · 27/07/2023 19:28

I'm 14 stone and there are definitely men who I can think of who treated me completely differently when i was 12 stone (I did look better),

LMNT · 27/07/2023 19:32

Yes it’s stark when you’ve experienced it first hand.

I was morbidly obese (more than 125kg) and I am currently 65kg.

Even doctors treat me differently now.

Whattosay81 · 27/07/2023 19:41

Yes deffo I’m currently a 16-18 having been a 14 at the start of the year - it’s ridiculous really how people treat me

FootieMama · 27/07/2023 19:51

I am not fat but never forgot when I was in my 20s and put on some weight. I was very very slim. Probably underweight. I was a size 6 and went to a size 10. This guy came to me and said what happened to you? You were so pretty!! You lost all the angles in your face!!!
I know it's not exactly what the thread is talking about but a slightly chubier face and I was being already considered ugly by that weirdo. It stuck with and that's over 20 years ago. I am size 12/14 and quite happy with the way I look.
But definitely there is prejudice. People assume fat people are less inteligent, less competent at work, etc.
I have caught myself with these kind of thoughts. I think a bit of my prejudice is from thinking the person is not very much on top of their life if they are overweight? A bit like people that dress better are considered more competent at work. Or if you pretty you are treated better than if you are ugly? As someone said humans are very visual.Of course it is all down to misconceptions and the media reinforces the issue

KateKateLee · 27/07/2023 20:25

I get so annoyed with that, whatever is wrong, the first thing they say is it’s because you are overweight. The unsaid comment of course is ‘so it’s entirely your own fault. You go off and lose weight and we’ll see how you are doing then. Because it’s that easy. I did an NHS course an hour a week for 10/12 weeks on nutrition and exercise. It was a total waste of time. My bowel condition flares up. I don’t eat for a week and I lose weight and get loads of praise but it’s not healthy. I put it back on as soon as life gets bad anyway.

Merlin3189 · 27/07/2023 20:27

YANBU - You are being perfectly reasonable, but should not be surprised by this. It is a perfectly natural reaction, which some people can suppress and many more can see past, to recognise the "real" you. But most people never get the chance to get past that initial reaction.
The problem is that your appearance is what we see first and is the only basis we have to know you at that instant. The real you is something that takes time and opportunity to discover.

Corpulence is only one such cue. Other people have even more permanent, and more off-putting appearance. Speech impediments also tend to prejudice people. Some people have very unpleasant body or breath odour. As with all accidents of birth, people have to put up with the body they're given and make the best of it.

Sorry to say, IMO, you may even be a bit lucky! You may be able to alter your body - an option denied to many. Also there may be some positive affects (sic) associated with corpulence - good humour, being relaxed and congenial, being maternal. They may not be appealing to you, but some people do find them positive.

Hellodollydaydream · 27/07/2023 20:35

I see so many ugly people together or I see one of the partners is good looking and the other one isn't and it completely baffles me

Duckduckie · 27/07/2023 20:38

Yes there’s new studies showing slimmer and more attractive people get offered more jobs and are better treated in society

Janieforever · 27/07/2023 20:41

Duckduckie · 27/07/2023 20:38

Yes there’s new studies showing slimmer and more attractive people get offered more jobs and are better treated in society

I don’t really get that, I meet folks in employment every single day, from admin to leaders, to supervisor to senior manager, we see them on the news, company heads.

one thing they do not have in common is attractiveness. I mean some are, but most are just average folks.

Ppbbwwt · 27/07/2023 20:43

Maybe count yourself lucky that you've at least experienced being treated well because of your looks in the past. I have always been ugly and always been treated like shit. I'm very slim, but very ugly, so it's not just about weight. Men, women, family, children all treat you like a piece of shit if you're ugly. Life is unfair.

Duckduckie · 27/07/2023 20:47

@Janieforever heres some examples:

https://dash.harvard.edu/bitstream/handle/1/3043406/mobius_beauty.pdf?s..

it’s not saying average or ugly people deemed by society don’t get jobs but more attractive people have an advantage.

https://dash.harvard.edu/bitstream/handle/1/3043406/mobius_beauty.pdf?s..

KnickersBockersGlory · 27/07/2023 21:13

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 26/07/2023 15:38

I’m not disputing whether obesity is ‘normal’ or not. The point I was making is that ‘normal’ is not what matters.

I don’t care about clothes sizes, I care about how healthy people are and how likely they are to live long and healthy lives. It’s a fact that being overweight makes you more likely to develop life threatening or life limiting conditions such as cancer, diabetes or heart failure. I doubt telling someone they are normal is much consolation when they are prematurely unwell with one these terrible diseases.

Show quote history

@Ibetthatyoulookgoodon why do you care whether other people are healthy? People are allowed to live their life any way they choose and it’s nothing to do with you. No one needs your concern.

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