AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

[Hmmokthen]

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

There is no law that says I can not care for the child. As long as I am not been paid or receiving financial reward for doing so. Which I am not nor do I want to be. I just wanted them to help feed and clothe the child. As for check ups and vaccinations I have taken the child for these with the consent of biological parents again this is legal as long as both parents consent which they have(they wouldn't have yet been vaccinated if I hadn't taken them parents wanted them vaccinated but never seemed to make the appointment for 1 reason or another) if there was a medical emergency I would contact a parent same way a childminder/nursery would in a emergency. This has been going on for 16months not 6 just ex husband as not been living with us for the last 6months.

You are totally enabling them to be shitty parents. You need to step back.

Then you need to report to SS as leaving your child in the care of a non-related person, with no supplies is neglect

I clicked YABU on the basis that this situation is mental.

@Hmmokthen This 'bonus child' isn't your biological child. It isn't even your step child. And yet you have them for 4 days a week which is most of the week! This needs to stop. If you want your children to see their half sibling then their father needs to facilitate this at his house. The child's parents are neglecting them.

YABU on the grounds that it is not your "bonus child". The child HAS parents and should be forming a bond with THEM at this key stage in its life. Instead, they're being feckless and neglectful, aided in this by the mother of feckless father's first set of offspring.

Times to call in the Child Maintenance Service for your own kids with him and SS for their child.

The OP has 3 children. Her youngest was born after the 2 child cap so she can't get child benefit for her own baby let alone the baby she's caring for that isn't hers. The constant posts telling her to at least get child benefit for the step child aren't helpful.

OP even if your ex is good at hiding income you should still apply for child maintenance. You won't be worse off than you are now as even the flat rate is £7/week and that's if he earning £100/week. I very much doubt he's able to claim to be earning less than that. Even if he's on benefits he's going to have to pay that. Currently you get nothing because a bag of groceries sporadically with no care for what you need isn't useful.

I think it's lovely you're caring so much for this "bonus baby" but gradually reducing the time you care for them ahead of your return to work is probably best al round as this isn't sustainable long term. Once a week to maintain a relationship with their siblings would be reasonable. Over 50% of the time just isn't even if they send nappies and milk.

You're the definition of a heart of gold OP but I am worried for you. I really think you need to see a lawyer and get advice on your rights as it seems like a rather informal arrangement. You should be getting child support.

Honestly this child is very fortunate that you've taken them under your wing.
If the parents have essentially delegated their responsibility to you for half the week, they should be providing maintenance for that child. Either that or you need to look into making this a proper fostering arrangement. At the moment you've got a child living with you for half the week who you don't have any family relationship with or parental responsibility for.

Yes the child has parents neither of whom care enough to want to bond with the child im not stopping the child bonding with either parent that's on them. If the child wasn't with me they would be passed from friend to friend. I have no hold over any of them I am not demanding nor asking that the child stays with me 3-4days a week or even at all. Yes their parents do need to step up but until they do I will continue to care for them to offer some stability and stop them been pushed from pillar to post

This is the only answer. You can control your behaviour and your attitude, but you can’t control anyone else’s, even if they’re being the least reasonable people on earth.

... and if you choose this option, then speak so Social Services and explain the situation - it is clear the bio parents are neglecting their child. Get some kind of fostering arrangement in place so that, at the very least, you are legally a guardian.

@Hmmokthen I’ve no helpful advice but I think you’re amazing and all 4 children are lucky to have you in their lives.

But you are, you’re not even pursuing your cunt of an ex for money owed to your children, whilst actively spending what money you do have on someone else’s child. That’s not in your children’s best interest. I also don’t think it’s in this other child’s best interests that you’re enabling her father not to spend time with her and build a bond, never mind his lack of interest in your own children. I don’t want to be harsh because it’s clear this is all coming from a good place, but it’s a insane situation that’s not good for anyone long term.

I think you are being very caring and kind for the child but it is not a legally binding agreement and if neither are capable of looking after LO properly then either of them could take the LO who would then be at risk and also devastated at not having you. I agree with others that you should approach SS and make the arrangement for custody more legal for your sake and LO.

@Hmmokthen going against the grain. Just tell both of them that starting next week you need either £ or for the child to be sent with enough supplies to last for the time they are with you (with a specific list)

Use this as an opportunity to let them know when your maternity ends they will have to either A- pay for childcare and give them the details of the one you’ve arranged for your DC and the arrangement can continue or B- They figure out alternative plans because the arrangement ends when you go back to work.

If all this works for you then don’t let anyone here convince you otherwise.

When I said stop doing it, I meant stop being such a bloody doormat for other people, right after that I said if she looks after the child, of course they should pay her - it was doing it at her own cost that I was referring to.
Having said that, I don’t think creating such a strong bond with a baby she has no legal connection to, is very smart, not for her, and not for the baby.

Another situation where you expect ppl to be decent, but she definitely should have voiced this to the husband when they we're together. She had an out when he left but now she carried on like a stupid person. Put your big girl pants on and use your words, that they need to send stuff or pay because why should you pay for everything. Am sorry to be harsh but honestly your an adult and am sick of ppl not voicing valid concerns to the ppl doing it to them.

you are the unpaid babysitter
your husband and his mistress are happy with this arrangement because

1. they dont respect you 2) you are the unpaid help 3) they are probably spending time with eachother whilst you look after their child

if your ex husband wants to play games with money, put him on child support immediately,
dont let him abandon your children and have the nerve to not financially provide for them

its up to you if you want to continue looking after your ex husbands child
but remember that you have no authority in this childs life,
you are under your ex husbands authority and the mistress' authority,
which means you are signing up to work for them, as an unpaid babysitter

as the child gets older you will have no say , in how the child is raised,
you wont be involved in any important decision making regarding the child
if any thing happens to the child emotionally, physically, mentally , then you will be blamed for it

You will have to do all of the slave work , cleaning, providing , caring of the child
and you will not be compensated financially

when the child is old enough there is a strong possibility that they will resent you, they might take out feelings of anger on you, when they realise that they were the result of an affiair and that their biological parents do no care about them
so you most likely will not be appreciated for everything you are about to sacrifice , for a child that is not yours

dont be surprised if your ex husband and his mistress have another baby , will you also look after that one too?

You’ve been extremely kind and have done a good thing for the child. You must realise though that the parents are utterly taking the piss at this point. It does seem remarkable that social services don’t seem that bothered that the mother is farming out her children/doesn’t seem to have her own little one near her most of the week.

Aside from the finances I’d be worry about what would happen if they pulled contact. It would be a massive emotional wrench for you having effectively been the primary carer. It doesn’t sound like they’ll be able/willing to pay for nursery so there will inevitably be a shock when your maternity ends. A more gradual transition may be kinder for all involved.

Read the post she's now single child isn't hers but stays 3 to 4 days

Sorry, Op but this is just batshit!!

It sounds like your ex is not paying maintenance, is not having his kids AT ALL and to add to the literal madness you are having his child for half of every week, again with no financial support?!!

You are having the piss taken out of you from several angles!

Get your ex on maintenance asap and please stop shelling out for other people's kids! No, there's nothing stopping you lawfully from having the child in your home but you are going so ridiculously above and beyond that it's pretty much jaw droppingly ridiculous!

Don't be a doormat, OP. People will treat you as badly as you allow them to.

I'd be very wary of building up such a close bond with the 'bonus child' as they have such a useless father (and mother) and either of them could change the arrangements with the flick of a switch.
It's admiral that you're looking after the child but you really are just enabling the parents to carry on being shit.
Bonkers situation

This situation is totally bizare!

You have zero boundaries

Because you have set a pattern of picking up the slack, you need to give a big reminder & heads up now to them, that you're back to work full time soon & the 3 days a week she isn't in nursery will need to be their remit. Otherwise , come the time she'll definitely be deposited on a friend or non bio ex of th mother that she barely knows. At the very least you need to give them both a list of things to be supplied when she's with you.