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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

357 replies

Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 08:31

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 25/07/2023 11:55

Hibiscrubbed · 25/07/2023 11:51

I can’t recall ever reading anyone advocating for an OP to do what this one is. It’s absolute lunacy.

Show quote history

Ach, they do you know. It's all "it will work itself out", "I would make room somehow" or even just "how can you possibly think of not getting involved" - when the OP has excellent reasons why it would be a Very Bad Idea. I end up shouting at the screen with those ones!

This is kind of mad in the opposite way. The situation is mad, not the OP as such, but yeah, she does need to get it regularized in a legal and sustainable way.

AliceOlive · 25/07/2023 11:55

OP is more of a parent to this child than anyone else. She obviously cares about her.

DMLady · 25/07/2023 11:56

Notamum12345577 · 25/07/2023 09:20

You probably won’t get much sympathy here I’m afraid. It looks like no one on MN sees their step kids again once they have split from that child’s parent.
Personally I think you are doing a great thing, I think you need to go through CSA for money for your 3, and then ask the dad for extra money for the 4th. He may well say no, but at least you would have tried, and you will get the money for the 1st 3.

This… But also, as others have said — please protect yourself in this. If either your ex or the baby’s mother suddenly decide to withdraw contact (admittedly unlikely from what you’ve said), would you — and your DCs — be left bereft?

hopeishere · 25/07/2023 11:59

You sound very kind but this is absolutely bonkers. Their dad and mum need to step up. You doing all of this probably isn't helping that happen. You can still maintain a bond with the child without this level of involvement. The child's parents know you'll fill the gaps so this means they make no effort. Do not pay their nursery fees!!

I'm sure when the child goes to school they will have something to say about this arrangement!

fitzwilliamdarcy · 25/07/2023 12:01

Everyone in this scenario needs to hand back the babies to whoever actually created them and then stop having more. This reads like a soap opera.

Original poster
Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 12:01

dorriss · 25/07/2023 11:52

why do you have so many kids?

I have 3 biological children and 1bonus(stepchild)

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 25/07/2023 12:01

I think you sound like a wonderful mother both to your own children and to your step child.

Yes your ex husband and the mother of the child should be giving you money towards the raising of their child! Give them a list of things they either need to supply or better yet tell them how much they need to pay you per week to look after their child.

It sounds like you love the child and do want to continue the relationship, I hope the parents don't decide to stop it. Although I doubt they will.

Original poster
Hmmokthen · 25/07/2023 12:04

Readyplayerthr33 · 25/07/2023 11:37

Be a bit clearer. Are you claiming child maintenance for the children you share with your ex husband?

Show quote history

I'm not claiming a penny in CM for any of them he is self employed and clever at hiding his income

OP posts:
ModestMoon · 25/07/2023 12:04

I think you sound amazing. I get that little girl adores her time with you and your family. What I would do is concentrate on what will happen when you end maternity leave, presumably in 3 months time? I imagine the last thing you want is to give up days while your own child is in nursery to care for this one. Would fostering be an option? Then you might get some support with nursery fees, and your relationship would be protected.

viques · 25/07/2023 12:05

To be fair, you managed to have three children with this man, so calling him a shitty selfish parent might be true but is not saying much for your own ability to choose a good father for your own children.

Gillbil · 25/07/2023 12:06

This is bonkers, I'd suggest getting legal help, and if you want put something legal in place to have you registered as a guardian or something if you want

AliceOlive · 25/07/2023 12:07

viques · 25/07/2023 12:05

To be fair, you managed to have three children with this man, so calling him a shitty selfish parent might be true but is not saying much for your own ability to choose a good father for your own children.

There are four quarts in a gallon. This information is as helpful to answering the OP’s problem as your post.

whynotwhatknot · 25/07/2023 12:12

youve got to have some boundaries here op-its not your child you cant carry on like this

what happens one day if they just say youre not seeing them again

AliBaliBears · 25/07/2023 12:15

Sorry OP but this all sounds crazy. I think social services need to be informed that this child is spending the majority of their time with you and get their advice. You have no formal legal responsibility for this child as it stands at the moment and it all seems an inherently unstable situation.

TakeMe2Insanity · 25/07/2023 12:19

Anniegetyourgun · 25/07/2023 11:55

Ach, they do you know. It's all "it will work itself out", "I would make room somehow" or even just "how can you possibly think of not getting involved" - when the OP has excellent reasons why it would be a Very Bad Idea. I end up shouting at the screen with those ones!

This is kind of mad in the opposite way. The situation is mad, not the OP as such, but yeah, she does need to get it regularized in a legal and sustainable way.

Show quote history

I agree with @Anniegetyourgun OP needs to get the arrangement formalised/legal. Unfortunately you’ll have to show your hand as the risk of the mother removing the child from is too great.

Astrr · 25/07/2023 12:19

YABU for:

  • not claiming maintenance for your existing three children
  • not maintaining a contact arrangement with your ex so you get a break sometimes and the children have regular time with their dad
  • spending more time with this toddler than her own mother and father - even if they’re not great, the child needs to bond with a primary caregiver and that shouldn’t be you whilst there’s two capable if lazy parents available

YANBU for:

  • wanting the best for the baby despite not being biologically related
  • supporting the relationship between your children and their half-sibling

If you have a tendency to put everyone else first, you’ll attract people who take advantage of that. This situation is bad for you, your children, your finances and your career, and the unrelated baby, and a few bags of nappies won’t change that.

The person letting you down is your ex. The other mum owes nothing to you - to her, you’re his chosen childcare and they do 50/50. Your ex is letting you down x 4.

Are you actually divorced yet? If not, I’d try to get that done amicably before making any drastic changes.

RedRosette2023 · 25/07/2023 12:20

Is this for real? How are you even supporting all these kids? The Step Child must be a baby? How are you still sane?

Epidote · 25/07/2023 12:20

I just read PP.
As the biological parents of the little girl don't care about her. Can you adopt her?/ legally foster her?

I know you are doing your best but the five of you need your rights protected. It is not frivolous to want your ground to be stable.

Poor kid, thanks God you are taking care of her.

HerMammy · 25/07/2023 12:22

For everyone saying contact SS, do
you think they'll help this child more than OP? poor wee soul will
end up forced back to her feckless parents and potentially end up in care.
OP you need to get something formal agrees and get the CB for her.

SafferUpNorth · 25/07/2023 12:24

Helllllooooooo OP!! Wake up! Your admirable generosity and caring nature are being totally ABUSED here by both parents of the bonus child. The fact that you're even posting an AIBU about whehter or not to ask the bio parents of the child to contribute financially to their care is bloody bonkers... she's THEIR CHILD (not yours, however much you love her) - ergo, they cover all her expenses.

And as others have said, your position is incredibly fragile as you have no legal responsibility for her. I take it you're not down on paper as a legal guardian? What if she needs to be hospitalised (or worse) while in your care???

Agree with those who have suggested that your contact Social Services for advice. Or even just Citizen's Advice. Give your head a wobble and get this sorted.

londonrach · 25/07/2023 12:26

Does the DM know the father is not there. Is a very strange arrangement.

Waffle78 · 25/07/2023 12:34

Her and exh split but she still has exh child as her children's half biological sibling it's understandable. But her exh the child's biological father or mother isn't really providing anything for the child while staying with her.

nonumbersinthisname · 25/07/2023 12:35

If this is real, it is totally bonkers. OP has not addressed any of the posters who are asking about legal ramifications and what happens if the child needs medical treatment. Who has been making sure they has been getting all their routine checkups and vaccinations? OP seems to be acting like they’ve been gifted an extra child and not thinking at all about what’s best in the long term. If this really has been going on for six months then either formalise the situation and take her on permanently, or work with SS to reintegrate her into her family of birth. You’re doing her no favours having her bonding to you without any guarantee she could be taken away at any point.

DinoDaddy · 25/07/2023 12:37

You must have "mug" written on your forehead OP.

bellsbuss · 25/07/2023 12:51

I think you're an amazing person , your ex and the baby's mother sound feckless and the baby is very lucky to have you for a mum because that's what you're are. Definitely claim cms though