AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

[Hmmokthen]

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

Clearly you didn't leave this loser soon enough .... sorry OP but why do women keep on having kids with such feckless twats. Anyhow he should surely be paying maintenance for all his children, and while it's good that your kids and his have bonded, there's no way YOU should be looking after this child that is not yours! Just put a stop to it. Why can't your kids see this child at their dad's or why can't he take all of them on days out etc?

Just to be clear I don't want paying for caring for the child I just want some help with feeding and clothing them

How on Earth can you be amicable with a man who not only has not stepped up for shared children, but has also dumped his other child who, by rights, you would be within your rights to want very little to do with, on you? How can you not be furious with him?

What happens when either mum
Or dad decide to get remarried and move and take the child with them? The child won't understand and that's really unfair on them.

Stop this arrangement and let the child bond with its own parents. I know to think you are doing the best but you are not.

If you are worried they are unable to care for the child call Social Services.

And you really shouldn’t!

I think the bigger issue is that you have a bond with this child (understandably) which neither of the parents recognise. Potentially the mother could just take him/her away from
your life and then what???

You didn't read it properly clearly

As you seem happy for the arrangement to continue, draw up a list of things they need to bring when they come to your house.

I think things will change drastically when you return to work full time anyway so I hope they have a plan for that.

Be a bit clearer. Are you claiming child maintenance for the children you share with your ex husband?

But you are not the child’s parent.

You have to stop thinking as though you are.

You have no legal responsibility for or towards this baby. It is not the place of the child’s parents to help you care for their child. You are helping them. They need to cover all costs and make all arrangements for the care of their child.

You are doing all the children a disservice here. Planning to still have this child with you for 3 working days each week, when you go back after maternity leave, and trying to work flexibly around the needs of FOUR children, two still babies, is a recipe for disaster. When you lose your high paying job as a result, is your feckless ex going to step up and maintain all of them, and you, when he hasn’t done so far?

Your love for this child has blinded you to all reality here. You must take steps to protect her, you and your own children. None of your needs are best served by continuing as you are.

Me stopping caring for the child will not make their mother spend more time with them they will just be sent to her friends to look after or even with one of her other children's father's which she does with some of her other children. Social services are aware of the situation around her other children which is quite similar. And they are not interested

You have to stop this, now. If you want to keep seeing this child that's great, but keep it to the occasional play date or day out. Not more than 50% of the time, that's not fair.

Then you approach social services and tell them you want to pursue a private fostering arrangement leading to adoption. The parents won’t ever agree, but you will have done the right thing.

You can’t just leave things as they are - it is a safeguarding nightmare. And so unfair on the children, when one of them could be removed from you forever at any minute.

If social services are aware of the mum and her obvious neglect could you get in touch with them to see can you set up as the babies temporary foster carer? This would make this more formal and legal and would provide you with some funds to help with the babies care

FWIW I think you are amazing this baby is so lucky to have you in their life and for nurturing their relationship with their siblings ♥️

I agree with this. Someone in authority should be aware of this. You do not have parental responsibility for this child and cannot give permission for medical treatment, for starters.

I’m a bit like you so I get it.

I think I’d be looking at something more permanent though, to protect you and child. Maybe speak to parents about a child arrangements order or something similar?

What I find ludicrous about this thread is that when someone is asking if they ABU not to take on another child they are overwhelmed with posters (probably not the same ones on this thread, to be fair) saying how could they possibly not look after their children's half sibling and they would do it themselves "in a heartbeat". But here's someone trying to do their best by the child being called all sorts of names and told to drop them like a hot brick. It's baffling.

That said, there are clear legal issues as well as the financial ones that are unsustainable in the longer term; not least because OP has no parental responsibility, which can cause huge problems as others have stated. Something Must Be Done, but I am no expert. Perhaps speak to a child protection charity or other agency, or anonymously to SS, to see what options are possible? Dumping the child back on the feckless parents would not seem to be in their best interests, but keeping them as a sort-of member of the family isn't going to work either, especially when they start going to school.

I wish you much luck, OP. I lean towards you being a saint rather than a doormat, but do work on getting maintenance for your 3 at least from their spectacularly unhelpful father. He owes it, not to you but to them. And keep being lovely (but look after yourself first and foremost - oxygen mask in aeroplane etc!).

You sound a lovely, caring person OP. YANBU at all to expect a little financial support in caring for all of your ex partners children.

You are an amazing and living person.

Have you asked either to contribute to this child’s needs?

Also, Is your ex unemployed? If he won’t contribute willingly, I would try to get whatever you can out of him for your own children through legal action then use it for all four.

I can’t recall ever reading anyone advocating for an OP to do what this one is. It’s absolute lunacy.

Loving person!!

I have no advice to give but just want to say what a lovely thing you are doing for a young child who just needs love and stability when she isn't being given it by the two people who should be giving it to her.

It's evident that regardless of whether you are being taken advantage of or not, you have the child's best interests at heart and making sure your children's half sibling always knows their is a place for her.

I wish you all the best. 💐

why do you have so many kids?

Get your mummy to explain birds and bees to you. 😁

You are an angel, OP. Too nice, some might say, and I hate to think of people taking advantage. You are 100% NOT being unreasonable, and of course they should provide for their child.
Apologies if I've missed this, but does bonus child spend any time 1:1 with the father?

She has a bond with this child, she's looking after her willingly. When you say 'stop doing it' - who wins in that situation? Op hasn't said she wants to stop seeing the baby. They are not a random child, they are her children's half sister.