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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expected to pay to attend party

407 replies

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 17:35

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

OP posts:
Ffion21 · 26/07/2023 10:03

This is a tough one.

yes it’s normal to cover the costs of a party, BUT…

  1. cost of living and parties aren’t cheap. People genuinely can’t afford paying for 8+ people. She clearly opted for a non-food time to save money
  2. the birthday kid shouldn’t lose out on his birthday because his parents are struggling
  3. she could have communicated it way better. I have a friend who is strapped for cash (I am not, so very different circumstances). She’s text us all saying she’d love to go bowling for her daughter. It’s £14pp but she’s asking if we can all pay but understands if we can’t and are therefore unable to go. She simply can’t afford it. Everyone is happy to pay £14 as it’s with their mates and entertainment but also - it is their friends birthday.
  4. don’t cut nose to spite face. If you can afford it and your son wants to go, just quietly acknowledge the other woman must be struggling financially and she’s likely very very embarrassed to admit it
Lalalalala555 · 26/07/2023 10:05

This sucks because its the kids that will be effected because of the other parents actions. :(

whoruntheworldgirls · 26/07/2023 10:06

Odd. You can't sell it as a party then get everyone to pay themselves.
We've recently had a climbing session for my daughters birthday, we paid for her and her friends, didn't do food as it was early so did party bags with some snack bits in instead.
I hope the boy has a good time.

Bernardo1 · 26/07/2023 10:09

I agree with pretty much all that has been said.

Whether you go or not, clearly this should be the end of this relationship.
You don't like the parents, they are obnoxious. That you feel sorry for their son is irrelevant, he's not your responsibility.

Usernamenotavaila · 26/07/2023 10:09

Putting the party aside.
You were "trying to help this boy" because you felt sorry for him but stopped trying to help the boy because his dad didn't thank you and they didn't do anything to reciprocate. Why do you need to have appreciation from the parents if it's the boy you were helping? If the boy appreciates it then that's all that matters. Even if they don't realise how much they appreciate it till they are older.
My childhood friends parent's would take me with them on days out, whether it was for company for my friend or because they felt sorry for me, I don't know but I still appreciate that they did. They didn't do it for gratitude from my parents, they did it for us children.

It is your choice if you take your child's friend on days out with you or not but yabu to punish your child and there's by not taking the child because you don't get anything in return.

Alicat63 · 26/07/2023 10:13

I've read your message over several times and I think she has booked your son a place, but is saying she can't afford unlimited drinks for everyone..they can be really expensive. It does all sound a bit confused and with these things it definitely helps to be totally straight from the outset! I think if it was me I'd just send my son along with lots of drinks for himself or money to buy one if he's more comfortable with that, but it does sound like she's bought his entry ticket to me, I can't think she would just leave him standing there unable to go in with her son and friends, surely?

ensayers · 26/07/2023 10:15

As soon as she said "forgot" I'd be out

ensayers · 26/07/2023 10:22

Adults want to take the kid climbing day for a birthday, kid wants his friends to come, instead of saying no to the birthday boy cos they can't afford it, they say ok and hope that if it's not mentioned again that the friends will forget about it

Killingmytime · 26/07/2023 10:29

I wouldnt go, nor would i give the expensive gift.
the parents are cf. they will carry on like this for as long as people let them.

Teaandtoastwithorangejam · 26/07/2023 10:32

Put the kids first. Their mum either can’t afford to pay for all the kids or feels like she can’t. Be charitable - pay for your kid to have a great time celebrating their friend’s birthday or if you can’t afford it/ want to spend your money differently politely decline or say really sorry you can’t afford to pay. Don’t think it’s helpful to think their mum is being weird or unreasonable. She’s just a mum trying to make the best birthday for her child with what she has. Either help her and give your kid a fun time by paying for them to join in or don’t. Not worth stressing about.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 26/07/2023 10:35

In your shoes, I would go and take a cheap card and small present. Be gracious and chalk this one up to experience.

The parents are real CFs but let your DC have a nice time and then distance yourself from them so things like this doesn’t happen again.

UmbrellaEllaEllaAyAy · 26/07/2023 10:38

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 18:39

I've never known a 'party' like this before. My problem now is what to do as I agree with the quote above that I don't think the parents are bothered either way. I think they genuinly wouldn't care if he had a party or if nobody turned up. They like climbing and so that's what they are doing. I don't for a minute believe it's about the money, as if it was, then they would have put their son first and funded a normal party, rather than paying for themselves to go climbing plus the unnecessary (but very nice) extra drinks.

I can afford it and my DS would be sad to not go, and actually I really feel for the boy, I've known him since nursery and I've never seen either parent put him first. Everything is about what they want and he is just there in the background. He rarely sees other kids outside of school because that's not something his parents want to do.

I'm thinking of going without a present on the assumption that this isn't a party, just a summer holiday meet up. That way at least I won't feel resentful. I don't want the boy to be sad about no present but really that's the fault of the selfish parents.

Show quote history

Whilst it’s bizarre what the parents have set up as a ‘party’, I would also feel for their boy and would ABSOLUTELY take a gift - it’s not his fault his parents are so odd.

Shoemadlady · 26/07/2023 10:45

I would decline. If she has no money then a football in the park and a birthday cake would have been a better idea. I think it's really cheeky

Crumpleton · 26/07/2023 10:53

Killingmytime · 26/07/2023 10:29

I wouldnt go, nor would i give the expensive gift.
the parents are cf. they will carry on like this for as long as people let them.

To some extent parents like these know exactly what they're doing and play on the fact that other people owill feel guilty for the child who's birthday it is and fall for their well worked out plans

Elaina87 · 26/07/2023 11:08

People saying decline... let's remember child who's birthday it is in all this, it's not about the parents and it's not his fault. If you can afford it just go, and feed beforehand. Its strange of the Mum but it doesn't have to be a big deal unless you actually cant afford it, I'm sure he will have fun.

Original poster
BagOfFeet · 26/07/2023 11:35

Bernardo1 · 26/07/2023 10:09

I agree with pretty much all that has been said.

Whether you go or not, clearly this should be the end of this relationship.
You don't like the parents, they are obnoxious. That you feel sorry for their son is irrelevant, he's not your responsibility.

It's party day today. I'm a bit apprehensive becasue I've decided to go without a present. I've never turned up at a party empty-handed before but I am already resentful for being used in the past and I don't want to allocate £30ish to their child's birthday. The cost of the climbing is enough already. If I reframe this as a climbing get together then I am more than happy to pay for DS.

I do feel sorry for the boy, but I can't keep trying to make up for his parent's shortfalls. Yes he should have a gift from his friend, but his friend shouldn't have been charged to attend his party. If the boys parents had behavied properly he would have got a party and gift, but they didn't so yes the boy misses out. But it's just not my responsibility to fix.

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 26/07/2023 11:40

How deeply annoying, they are totally CFers. I had a similar thing when DS was invited to a theatre event in London for a friend's birthday. Had to pay for the ticket and as it finished around 6pm and I knew he would be hungry I asked what they were doing for dinner. The answer was maybe they could take a packed tea and eat that in the theatre (they were already taking a packed lunch). I replied I am not doing that, what part of this is a party and she changed the plan and took them to McDonalds. In this case it was probably not thinking rather than meanness and I kind of understood the theatre ticket as it was expensive.

In your case that is ridiculous, no food is one thing but they absolutely need to pay for the climbing if it is a party.

mcmooberry · 26/07/2023 11:41

Just seen your update and quite right too.

gloriawasright · 26/07/2023 11:53

Nowthenhere · 24/07/2023 20:20

Perhaps send a text saying that you're unable to pay for your child's entrance fee to climbing, but send the message when you're on route to the climbing venue.
When you get there, take your child to the venue and infront of everyone wish the birthday boy a happy birthday and hand your child over to birthday boys parent and say you'll pick them up at x time.
The parents are likely to remind you that they have chosen to pay for their own climbing over the children's. This could be your opportunity to say very loudly that you consider it very sad that they want all the children to watch adults do the climbing, that your child was very much looking forward to climbing with his friends to celebrate the birthday with children but if adults choose to have fun at the liberty of the birthday boy, that's on them. And walk out of the venue.
When you collect, you can choose to bring the present with you or not and this can depend on whether your child has climbed or not.
The aim is to leave the parents deciding if they want to have all the children watch them knowing that they are the reason the children are not climbing because the adults took their place.
Silly, immature but also allows the children to recognise that not all adults parent the same and that it's not the children's fault.

Ffs.this is just fucked up !
Cruel to the party boy,and cruel to you own dc also.

Sunnydays60 · 26/07/2023 12:03

Off the back of your last posts, it sounds like they might be a neurodivergent family who genuinely doesn't get social norms. Especially the dad. Have you considered the fact the grandparents are helping so much because they know their kids need help (rather than it just being laziness?). I don't know what kind of drinks they have at this place but, unless they're really special, it also seems a bit strange for her to be talking about the drinks so much. Kind of makes me consider this angle even more. Also, is it possible that the boy has asked his parents to go climbing too (given he "seems a bit behind") and it wasn't just "their choice"? Granted, it all does sound a bit unusual, but given none of the other mums seem to have an issue with it, is it possible they're seeing something you're not? It's clear you feel like you have been taken advantage of (and maybe these other parents just haven't made as much effort and therefore don't feel as aggrieved at this point) but I assume your son is going now given the other mum has paid the entrance. I'd just go with it. Maybe take a cheaper gift than you would normally but I wouldn't go without. Kids aren't going to be considering who is paying (unless forced to) so I wouldn't think their son is going to be getting any lessons, bad or good, from this.

CastaniaBlush · 26/07/2023 12:09

Clymene · 24/07/2023 18:24

That's not a party. You give the party you can afford, not the ones your guests can afford to attend.

I agree with this.

However, if my dc was close to the birthday boy AND I could afford it, I would let it slide. Definitely not anything I have encountered in 15 years of parties though.

T1Dmama · 26/07/2023 12:17

BagOfFeet · 26/07/2023 11:35

It's party day today. I'm a bit apprehensive becasue I've decided to go without a present. I've never turned up at a party empty-handed before but I am already resentful for being used in the past and I don't want to allocate £30ish to their child's birthday. The cost of the climbing is enough already. If I reframe this as a climbing get together then I am more than happy to pay for DS.

I do feel sorry for the boy, but I can't keep trying to make up for his parent's shortfalls. Yes he should have a gift from his friend, but his friend shouldn't have been charged to attend his party. If the boys parents had behavied properly he would have got a party and gift, but they didn't so yes the boy misses out. But it's just not my responsibility to fix.

Show quote history

I agree @BagOfFeet,
If you’re covering costs then it’s a play date. I’d probably give a card though.
I doubt the parents will ask about the present.. and actually your son being there should be more important than being given a present.

KT1995 · 26/07/2023 12:28

Off the back of your last posts, it sounds like they might be a neurodivergent family who genuinely doesn't get social norms

Or. MAYBE they know EXACTLY what they are doing and know people will always pick up the slack. As has already been shown with OP, fellow mums, the grandparents etc. Scheming and arrogant rather than the old "neurodivergent" excuse to me.

Kisskiss · 26/07/2023 12:30

BagOfFeet · 26/07/2023 11:35

It's party day today. I'm a bit apprehensive becasue I've decided to go without a present. I've never turned up at a party empty-handed before but I am already resentful for being used in the past and I don't want to allocate £30ish to their child's birthday. The cost of the climbing is enough already. If I reframe this as a climbing get together then I am more than happy to pay for DS.

I do feel sorry for the boy, but I can't keep trying to make up for his parent's shortfalls. Yes he should have a gift from his friend, but his friend shouldn't have been charged to attend his party. If the boys parents had behavied properly he would have got a party and gift, but they didn't so yes the boy misses out. But it's just not my responsibility to fix.

Show quote history

Don’t feel apprehensive, you don’t have to justify why you didn’t get a gift. I think I wouldn’t either , because I would also feel resentful! They are CF

gloriawasright · 26/07/2023 12:47

Catspyjamas17 · 26/07/2023 09:11

Wow, you seem a little over invested in their lives.

This .
Op you have an awful lot to say about how this lad is brought up.
You are not a friend of this family,
you cannot possibly have the insight into their lives that you seem to be claiming.
your posts are becoming increasingly judgy.
Fact is they might just not like you ,and want very little to do with you. Who knows .they might be fed up with your self righteousness,and the superior way that you parent your dc.