Expected to pay to attend party

[BagOfFeet]

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

Absolutely don't go.

Reply back saying 'sorry, I didn't realise we would be expected to pay to attend, DS is unable to come'

I would drop a present round for the boy though.

What i don't understand is the parents climbing bit. If it's a clip n climb type thing then surely they aren't actually joining in? It's for kids!! Or is there another proper climbing wall there that they will be using?

Why in earth would OP ponder the families financial situation? Have they pondered hers I think not. There is no excuse for this cf party. It's very easy to make a very cheap party if necessary. These people want a fancy party with out paying!

This is right. She has only paid for her own family.

She hasn't booked the guests' spaces or paid for us. I have spoken to the other mums and one of them has now booked and paid for all of the guests' spaces and we will give her cash on the day. This mum has sent us the confirmation by email, so unless the other parents are in on an elaborate and expensive lie to pretend that the mum hasn't paid for them, then I think I'm safe to assume that she really has only paid for herself.

It is really sad that the boy only gets to do what his parents are interested in. I would love to make things nicer for this child, but aside from being tired of being treated like a mug, it might actually backfire and reinforce to the boy as he gets older that this is how you should treat people because it works. He may well grow up thinking that the goal of friendships is to get as much out of the other person as possible. I hope not, he's a lovely child.

The main ''crime'' here is in not being crystal clear right at the start what was and was not on offer. Drip-feeding info is unacceptable. Usually when a child is invited to a party, the costs are covered by the host. There's zero shame in not having a lot of money for parties, but in that case it's far better to say so right upfront ''We'd love Steven to join us. The cost of the ticket is X and there will be cake and party packs and (insert as applicable)''

This has bread-crumbed you into accepting the invitation and then changing the parameters. Very rude.

Feel zero shame about backing out of the invitation ''sorry, I thought it was a birthday party. Our budget cannot stretch to a random day out. Really hope you have fun!''

My DS and DH used to paintball. DS's friends would clamber to go and the day of the trip, a couple of them would show up with $5. DH paid more than a few times for them, PLUS the cost of all the paintballs. They kept their $5 for food. Most all of those parents were better off than we were, but DH and I never wanted to have someone be left out. If I had to do it again, I would do it differently. Being taken advantage of stings and we ended up feeling like fools. We also got taken advantage of when my DD was younger and again, I wish I had done it all differently. I allowed myself to be a doormat so that kids could have fun and my kids could have company on trips (they were 10 yrs apart in age).

If you get the boy a card and gift, don't let the gift be money or a gift card because he would probably never see it. Get him something that is for him and can't be "borrowed" by his CF parents.

No... and they don't know mine. It's interesting that there was no clear, upfront communication right at the start. That's completely unacceptable. Have THEY thought about it. I mean, if they're hard up, maybe others are too, and getting dragooned into spending £30 on some rando's party is a lot to suddenly spring on them.

The only way to deal with that is in a straightforward manner: ''My mistake. I thought it was a party you were inviting Tom to. We can't afford to drop £30 for a day out. Hope Daniel has a wonderful time!''

I had something similar.

Mum texted me to ask if I'd bought entrance tickets?!

Er, no? It's your party!

I feel for that poor boy. I have never heard or experienced something like this. This is just a play date, not a party at all. Very cheeky of her to do that. Having said that, I am not sure if you should "punish" that boy because of his parent's behaviour. After all, it's about the kid's friendship. If the boys are close (it seems to be), then I will go. And I agree with other's suggestion about buying something cheap but still nice for the boy.I will give other mums a heads up, so everyone knows what's happening. I will also tell that mum direct "We are happy to do another play date at somewhere cheaper next time as we can't stretch it as well!" If she insists that "no it's a party" then I will not hesitate to point out it is NOT a party.

The more I think about this, I feel you need to be very direct with the parents.

'sorry Tom can't attend - I understood it was a birthday party but as you are asking for payment for Tom to attend, it clearly isn't. Have a good time'

They need to be told that their behaviours is really not normal.

Some families are just a bit odd. We have experience of families who don’t really mix outside school, and have come to accept that this is just their way, not a reflection on us.

send your son to celebrate his friend’s birthday. Take a gift. Live by your standards and not theirs.

On the bright side at least they are paying for themselves and haven’t booked for everyone and just invoiced you all to split the subsidised cost of their family climbing trip into the bargain 😂

I’d just chalk this one up to differing values and see it as a nice activity for your son and a chance to recognise his mate’s birthday.

We often send gifts to kids whose parties we are unable to attend as it is always nice to give without receiving.

are the family keen climbers? Is it their ‘thing’?

I’d probably book a place for myself to climb too just in case they are their for their own pleasure and aren’t really prepared to supervise the other children.

I’d consider reporting the parents for neglect as is exactly what his is and has already had a profound detrimental effect on yeh poor child with him being behind his peers socially.

I think you need to go and to bring a present for the sake of the poor child. The parents sound awful.

Agree with pp, I'd have declined and cited the unexpected cost, but I see the group involved are all rather more forgiving than I!

It strikes me that the parents seem to struggle with social cues and social norms. This, coupled with the boy being a little socially behind his peers makes me wonder if there is something else going on.

The parents seem to be completely oblivious of the fact that what they are doing is rude and not the done thing.

I wonder if the parent who organised the booking and paying also feels sorry for the boy.

I’m probably being a bit soft - but I’d do it for the child, it would be awful for him to not have his friends there when his parents don’t often put him first.

The off thing I find is that the mum has paid for her husband and herself to climb? Surely it would be better if the child climbed with his friend - then two of his friends could be paid for. If money is tight, perhaps just invite two friends?

We just went to a party like this last week. It was clear from the beginning that we would be paying. We made a home made card.

Honestly I would let it go and attend the party. Her kid is probably looking forward to it and the day is about him. It would be awful if other cildren pull out and hardly anyone turns up especially if they had initaly said yes. I wouldn't cheapskate a pressie as other people have suggested. All it is doing is spiting a child who hasn't had a hand in this.
I would view it as a day out with a card and present thrown in.

‘Thanks for thinking of us - finances also tight here so will have to decline on this occasion. Hope you all have a lovely day out.’

I'm confused by this.

She text to say she booked it. Why would she text to say she booked it if she hadn't booked it for ur son and the other kids? Maybe she means the kids are booked but they are not booked in for drinks. Either way u don't have kids coming yo an event but don't at least buy them a drink.

Have u spoken to the other parents @BagOfFeet ?

Tbh I wouldn't have sent a message asking if they are providing food.

My son was invited to soft play years ago for a boys birthday. We arrived there first so I paid my son in. The mum arrived with her son and another boy. No food or drinks provided and the other boy got invitee back to the house fir cake and my boy, it felt like we were there to make up numbers, paid ourselves in, provided a present and not invited back to carry on the play plus cake at the house.

*My boy wasn't invited back for cake

My son's birthday is in November. It means it's winter and despite wanting to have bounce houses and other fun things, so far (he'll be 7 this year) his "parties" are actually just a massive play date for friends, and a "party" for family.

I set up the event as a "Play-date for DS's Birthday" for the local jump park. I always make sure to put "no presents please, your presence is his present" in the notes and/or comments. I don't pay for anyone else because it's literally a play date. Whether people choose to come or not he's going to have fun. Eventually I hope to find a location that'll work with the bounce house and other fun stuff we want to do and we'll have an actual party.. at which time there'll be food and cake and what no.

All this to say -- I wouldn't take a present, and I would consider is a playdate and not a birthday party.

What happened?

If you can afford it, I’d treat it with compassion.
My son’s best friend had a similar situation. They live in a LA tower block, quite different from the rest of the kids at our local school in an affluent area. His mum organised a similar party, as he wanted the same sort of party as his friends. The other mums automatically offered to pay for their kids tickets. It was graciously received.
Think of the kid and his birthday, not the parents.