Expected to pay to attend party

[BagOfFeet]

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

The poor little kid. Imagine always being not a priority.

She is cheap. Party at home with games would be appropriate if they are skint. Don't pretend you are hosting if you are not.

I think lots of people have missed the update that another mum has bought the tickets and everyone will reimburse her.

absolutely this. poor kid

You have a solution of sorts. You all sound like very caring parents. I really wouldn’t concern yourself about the boy getting the wrong message right now. He is still pretty young. When the boy is considerably older and if your ds is still friends with him, you may be able to communicate to him how families generally function without denigrating his parents.

My dd is 15 and some of her friend’s parents naturally have different values. I do talk to them about this in a neutral, we are different way. Eg her friend would like a boyfriend but isn’t allowed until 18 whereas my dd has just met a boy, who she likes, which dh and I are ok about especially as dh has known him since he was little.

I know this friend has kissed a boy and got in bed with a boy from another school whilst on a school trip. Nothing happened thankfully. I used that opportunity to tell her this was very unsafe etc, how her parents wouldn’t approve and how she needs to make better decisions. That I get it is hard because of the cultural differences but that she should respect her parents wishes. This is the sort of thing she cannot talk to her parents about and I have her mum’s blessing to talk to her about stuff. Not this. But I don’t feel she’s done anything so terribly wrong to “grass” on her. She made a mistake. The teachers at the school also read her the riot act as they caught her and I think that would be a decision for them whether or not the tell the parents.

Parents to dd’s friends also give dd valuable lessons too including about how their families operate as mine isn’t always the most functional. I’m ill / disabled so am not able to live a normal family life. I would be perfectly happy for another mum to talk to dd about waiting and not having sex just yet… not that things are at this stage in any way with this boy as they’ve only just met up. It takes a village and all that.

I don't know the mum, so is she always like this? If not, she's being put up to communicate bad news probably by her DH.

Unless my DS wanted to go, I'd decline. I hate how pay for abc to be a bridesmaid, to come to my 40th etc has become a norm here.

If CF mum and dad sat out of the activity and just supervised and drank their own drink from home (not unlimited drinks at the venue) then they'd be able to afford to pay for a couple of 10 year old boys to do the activity! It's not a birthday party if guests have to pay to join in and there isn't any food. Either decline or go but only bring a card (no present).

I can afford it and my DS would be sad to not go, and actually I really feel for the boy, I've known him since nursery and I've never seen either parent put him first.

This would answer things for me anyway. I might find the parents annoying but I wouldn't refuse to send him on principle if I can afford it and it will make both boys sad. I'd bring a present too, it's the 10 year old birthday boy that will be punished if you don't not the parents

This is weird. Normally families either pay themselves, or club together and have a joint party to split the cost of the venue. I don't want to spend a lot of money on kids parties at this stage, so I wrap up à pass the parcel and make up some party games at home. The only 'awkward' bit is this kind of invitation normally says siblings aren't included - which is inderstandable.

Do you think your child will get a party bag at the end?

This

Yes quite. It's not a "Who can be the bigger twat" competition.

YANBU!

but:

1. your son wants to go
2. you can afford it
3. the other parents are paying for their kids as well

=> I would therefore let your son go and lay for him.
maybe give the birthday boy a smaller birthday present, if that’s how you want to handle it.

this is (essentially) an issue of the parents misbehaving. I wouldn’t want to let that affect the children…

Ridiculous!

I think this is the crux of it. They just don't seem to get normal social cues, particularly the dad. The mum at least knows to say thank you after a favour, although the thank you is more like the way you would thank a taxi driver or a shop assistant, there's no real gratitude or understanding that someone has gone out of their way to help them. The dad is more like he will do whatever he wants to do for the day and if you want to take his son to the park, then that's not really anything to do with him. He has no opinion on if his boy goes out with friends or watches NetFlix all day, it doesn't affect the plans that the dad has for himself anyway. Since it has nothing to do with him, then there is no reason for him to be grateful.

I think they are both increadibly lazy, which is why they don't do anything they don't want to do. Most parents don't enjoy soft play or ferrying kids to clubs, but we push ourselves to do these things for the sake of our children. These parents do the absolute bare minimum they can get away with. I don't think they are short of money. The boy has the latest games and consoles and they have several TV subscriptions. But I wonder if it's easier to throw money at keeping the child entertained digitally rather than actually taking him out anywhere.

I also get the impression that there is some learned helplessness. On both sides there are very involved grandparents who help both financially and with childcare. I think both parents know that they can just sit back and the grandparents will pick up the slack. It's so normal for them to have others doing things for them that they seem to have forgotten to be grateful. I think this has now extended into expecting everyone to share the load of raising their child and they lack the social awareness that would normally stop people from being so obviously lazy and grabby.

I think most people feel sorry for the boy. The only time you really hear him mentioned is in sympathy. He is very rarely taken to parties and never has play dates. It's hard to not notice, particularly whenthey were younger and there were whole-class parties and he was always the one who was 'ill' on the day.

Wow, you seem a little over invested in their lives.

Instead of a present, can you give him a made up/handwritten play date voucher? An experience rather than a toy. Eg we will take you swimming in the holidays or something. I think you are right in what you are saying but I can’t help but feel for this boy too x

OP, you're right, I agree with everything you're saying.

I think I would pay for your DS and let him go because it's the other boy's birthday and he is not having a great life with his parents, is he. Your son will enjoy the climbing. You can afford it. Treat it as a day out for your DS and get a small gift for the boy. It's costing you more in stress and time otherwise tbh. Then afterwards, I'd speak to the mother of this boy and explain to her this is not acceptable going forward and why. She might not care, but at least you'll be clear with her and you won't have to be in this situation again.

I do wonder what their situation is and how it's come to her having this attitude, it doesn't sit right. Obviously everyone is sorry for her son. If he's close with your DS perhaps you can continue some contact occasionally and take the boys out without spending a fortune.

That's a bit needlessly mean. But no, I have known them for the last 7 years, so the ability to write four paragraphs on my limited observations on their behaviour over that time doesn't really constitute over investment, in my opinion. I was just giving some context to my own thread. MN would be a bit boring if nobody said more than the bare minimum.

OP - ignore the comment about being overly invested. People have asked for more information on the situation and you have described what is going on. Snippy comments about over investment don't take in to consideration context - and the context was, you were asked to give more info into the discussion and you did.

Sounds like they're isolating him. Does he look sad?

Wow, you seem lacking in empathy for this boy.

I feel very sorry for her son in this scenario. I almost feel like I'd invite him on a day out with my child instead as a birthday treat, as I can't see anyone attending this 'party'. Poor kid. If they were really that hard up for money then surely the solution would have even an old fashioned party food at home with party games celebration instead. I'd never invite children out with mine and expect their parents to foot the bill!

Sadly there are parents like this. Ones who are quite happy to push as much parenting on others so it doesn’t inconvenience them.
DD had a BF at primary but we had all sorts of issues as if I took her I was meant to take the younger ( extremely) hard work sibling too as to not inconvenience the mum, by not leaving her someone to play with.
The parents would regularly go to places you would normally go as a family without the children. They never took them anywhere.

I think the fact they’re paid for themselves makes them CFs. No need for them to partake.

I feel unbearably sad for this child

I've made no comment that would allow you to reasonably draw such a conclusion.