Expected to pay to attend party

[BagOfFeet]

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

I think it depends on the circumstances. If it's a birthday party then I would expect food and drink to be included by the host, as I did when my daughter was younger. If it's just a climbing experience then I would send my child with money to buy refreshments. I sometimes pay for my daughter and a friend to go bowling or to the cinema but I wouldn't add on extra money for the friend's food and drink.

@BagOfFeet this post has just appeared of facebook.

This thread is now on Facebook? Ok that's a bit weird.

Assuming it's the Mumsnet Facebook page?

Weird af. Like a few other comments, I've never ever been in this situation where the party invitee hasn't booked & paid for the booking/food/drinks etc. She really needs to make this clear to the other parents as ALL would assume that their kid just turns up. Definitely could be lots of disappointment otherwise. I personally would decline, providing no excuse & plan another fun activity with son to make it up. Some people have a brass neck, I'd be absolutely mortified doing that & just wouldn't tbh 😳

I've have not like or linked to mumsnet online and it just popped up on my news feed. Anyhow, just thought it's worth having the heads up on case the party patents read it.

Curious to find out if these CF parents go looking for a present from your son. And if they mention the lack of. I suspect they’re unreasonably going to be off with you.

I agree the parents are CF's, but don't think it's right that you didn't take a small gift. It's hardly the kids fault his parents are twats.

Sorry but I can't afford it any more than you can, so unfortunately DC will be unable to attend on this occasion.

You don't invite people to ANYTHING and then expect them to pay. An invitation is just that.

Blimey, some people are just WEIRD.

Can we have an update on how your lack of present was received by these CF parents? I feel sorry for their DS and hope he had a good time at his party. I don’t blame you for not taking a gift, I’d feel like not taking one, although I’m unsure whether I’d end up giving in or not!

Wow, how mean to not take a gift. It’s hardly the little boy’s fault.

No, but the OP has had to fork out a fair amount to attend.

I don't think you need to worry about the birthday parents noticing the lack of gift. Bare-faced brazen people, especially those who don't get social cues, don't notice or put much stock by such things imo. They don't give or expect to receive - which is fair, at least.

Also, while I personally am more like you, not everyone does or should follow the same social rules. There's nothing inherently wrong with raising a child with different expectations from the mainstream. There have been plenty of occasions with my DC over the years when I wish we could just step off the mainstream bandwagon: birthday parties, tech access, mobile phones, make up, all-class parties, summer trips, festival tickets, and so forth.

To be fair, I discovered this thread after it was on instagram stories.

These ones are pretty simple. Your presence is the present (sadly more than you would’ve spent I’m sure).

unfortunatly! In North America it’s very odd. And the birthday boy would Likely be expecting presents too.

talk to the other friends parents? Are they paying the kids own way? Then use language in a way that confirms no presents.

id do as suggested and get the kiddo to make a homemade card and send a bag of candy.

Don't feel bad about not taking a present. It's a playdate rather than a party. I doubt they'll even notice.
Hope all the kids had fun oblivious to all the undercurrent drama.

I completely agree. So very mean!

Agree with this!

How did it go @BagOfFeet ? I sincerely hope there were no problems and the kids had a great time. I've been thinking of this poor boy all evening.

All a bit odd. If you can afford it I would accept this time for him and your child’s sake,but look out next year.

Then invitation should have been declined then. To go and not take " something ", even £5 in a card is making the wee boy suffer for his parents being awful, IS mean.

I feel the same way about this as I do people inviting you to the ‘evening do’ of their two-hour-drive-away wedding and not the meal…
If you’re hosting guests you feed them and you include them in everything.
if this means you do something less expensive so be it.

Is it a birthday party or a play date that she sent the invite for? If it’s just a play date and not at a meal time then I’d only expect them to provide a snack but no present needed. If it’s a birthday party then they should obviously provide the “party”.
Could there be a misunderstanding perhaps?

The parents couldn’t afford to pay for the attendees but if the attendees have to pay for themselves plus buy a present then the expense for them is even higher than for the host so doesn’t seem too unreasonable.