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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby is ruining us

482 replies

fedupnow2 · 23/07/2023 20:36

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

OP posts:
Sweetashunni · 23/07/2023 20:39

Ignore the nap times. Take her out and about in the buggy, car seat, whatever - she will nod off. Sometimes if you actively try to get them to nap it doesn’t work and the best way to do it is to distract them to sleep, or let them sleep on the move. Hope you’re okay ☕️

TheKeatingFive · 23/07/2023 20:39

Time for sleep training. It saved our sanity. If you can afford it, might be worth bringing in a professional to help you out.

PixellatedPixie · 23/07/2023 20:40

My oldest daughter was impossible to put to sleep until I realised that she wanted to sleep next to me. After I did that (with safety precautions taken) she was a dream.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 23/07/2023 20:40

I had one of these. I gave up trying to get her to nap at set times. She luckily would nap in her pushchair or the baby carrier or her carseat so I’d just go out and do something I wanted to do - trip to a nice park. A look round the shops and a coffee. And she’d inevitably fall asleep in her pushchair. I even used to take her out at 9 or 10pm sometimes for a walk to get her to sleep.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 23/07/2023 20:41

That sounds really hard OP and I know how utterly relentless it can be.

try to remind yourself that rather than being difficult, her fussing is her only way of communicating.

what is her day like atm and what are you aiming for? Maybe people can suggest some changes to your routine or your plan for one.

TheKeatingFive · 23/07/2023 20:41

I think 8 months is when I hit a wall too. Sympathies, it's tough 💐

Original poster
fedupnow2 · 23/07/2023 20:41

I would do sleep training but dh feels really bad about her crying. He does every single night and I feel so bad because he has a health condition and has been struggling. But i feel if I do one more second with her I will lose my mind.

OP posts:
PerfectYear321 · 23/07/2023 20:43

Time for CIO
I sympathise, OP..Sounds like hell

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2023 20:44

You need to do sleep training. It doesn't need to be cry it out. If DH can't hack it send him and the older one to a hotel/his family/somewhere else for a long weekend and you crack on with it.

Mumof1andacat · 23/07/2023 20:44

Could you book a few sessions with a sleep specialist? I don't know of any, but it could be of real help

JMSA · 23/07/2023 20:44

You poor thing Flowers

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2023 20:45

In the short term, stop trying to get her to nap though. Go about your business and she can fall asleep when she falls asleep.

How does she sleep overnight? Once she's finally asleep is she ok?

Tumbler2121 · 23/07/2023 20:47

Stop trying to put her to sleep. It's crazy to be at your wits end but your husband is against sleep training ..
FWIW with my two they slept with me or nobody slept .. we all slept well!

Cakeandcoffee93 · 23/07/2023 20:47

Honestly I’m with you one hundred percent- we had this with ours.
she is 3 nearly 4 now and sleeps 8-7am only because she’s exhausted from nursery and I forcibly woke her up mega early as I have to work. After a week she was in a new routine. I hate the word routine and cry it out- ours never slept, we would have three hour naps daily just to survive the night:

my advice- we used to take ours out in the car to sleep out of being desperate.
Sod the rules- whatever works,
exhausting her out soon as she wakes with fresh air- parks/ walks/ hot bath when home to knock her out:

kernowpicklepie · 23/07/2023 20:48

You definitely do not need to sleep train.
It sucks, it's exhausting. I've been there.
Naps for my DD were better on the move, it saved my sanity. Buggy/car anything moving. Try a carrier if you can. The worst thing (but also the hardest to not do) is stressing about naps. Once I realised that, I felt better. I would get so stressed to the point of crying because DD wouldn't nap.
Instead, I just found ways she would nap. If a buggy worked, then I'd use it. If it was the car, then go for a drive.
8 months is common for separation anxiety which is why a carrier could work.
Have a look on Instagram at the following accounts for advice on what could work:
Little nest sleep
Fox and the moon infant sleep
Second star to the right
Hey sleepy baby
Lyndsey Hookway

Its just a phase, a pretty shit one but a phase and it will pass. Even when it doesn't feel like it

Tiredmummaoftwo · 23/07/2023 20:49

Hire a professional for some advice. Will be worth every single penny. You can't carry on like this, it's not sustainable.

If your DH can't stand to listen to the crying / feels guilty can he spend a week sleeping at a relatives with your other child so you can focus on the sleep training. Only took us three days x

Hufflepods · 23/07/2023 20:49

I would honestly stop trying to make her nap for a while. She will sleep eventually if she’s tired. Sitting in her room for 6 hours a day is utterly ridiculous and no wonder you will feel rubbish.
Some new mums get way too hung up on nap schedules, not all babies have the same sleep needs.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 23/07/2023 20:49

Following in case anyone has any advice.

I have a 9 month non sleeper. It doesn't sound as bad as yours in that she doesn't fight me, it's just that she barely sleeps. And it's not like she doesn't need much sleep, she spends the whole day miserable because she's tired. I'm really losing it, she's destroyed any scrap of confidence I had and I'm really not enjoying parenting her.

I have an older child at home too - so like a previous poster suggested I can't cosleep for naps etc.

I think we are at the point of sleep training but not sure where to start. I think when things are as bad as you describe, it really is a viable and good option to try.

My husband isn't on board because he doesn't want to miss out on his sleep while we do it and he would have to take the brunt of it as I'm breastfeeding and she would need to learn not to feed to sleep. But to be honest, if I don't start sleeping soon then divorce is on the cards so I think that would give him a kick up the arse to help me. Has yours got any other suggestions if sleep training is not one of them?

Cyclistmumgrandma · 23/07/2023 20:49

Talked to my son about sleep training with their 11 month old. He found the first night really difficult but after about 3 evenings baby was happily going to sleep by herself and sleeping through the night. Also settling to sleep in cot for naps. It saved his and his wife's sanity also. It's hard in the short term but better for both baby and you in the long term.

Original poster
fedupnow2 · 23/07/2023 20:49

The thing is I've tried not actively making her nap. Then the entire time is spent with me carrying her because she is just crying and overtired. It's unbelievable but if I take her out in this state, she will be silent in her pram but absolutely not sleep. I see her fighting it, she nods off and then wakes up angry and refuses to sleep. I feel awful but she has changed our household for the worse. My older ds (5yo) birthday is next week and all he wants is an hour each of my dh time. This has broken my heart. The baby is absolutely ruining all of us.

OP posts:
NoodletheSchnoodle · 23/07/2023 20:50

Oh I feel you OP, my DS was exactly like this. I spent hours driving round little villages as he would only sleep in the car, or very occasionally in the pram if I walked far enough. DH was never able to settle him, ever.
As he got a bit older he would sleep for much longer stretches day and night if he was snuggled into me so mine and DH king sized bed basically became mine and DS's.
I got nothing done at all for the first couple of years as I was always with him or driving when he slept. I was a walking zombie!
I'm not going to sugar coat it, it was one of the hardest times of my life.
He's just always been someone who needs contact to feel secure before he can sleep. He got a bit better once he turned 3 and didn't need naps any more, but still never slept a full night on his own until he was 6 or 7.
He's just turned 9 now and every night I still lie in his bed with him until he falls asleep.
No advice really, just solidarity! At the time I never thought I'd see the end of those days but they did end without me even really realising!

Hufflepods · 23/07/2023 20:50

@Tiredmummaoftwo If your DH can't stand to listen to the crying / feels guilty can he spend a week sleeping at a relatives with your other child so you can focus on the sleep training.

Ridiculous. No one, absolutely no one would say that about a father wanting to sleep train and telling the mother to leave the 8 month old for a week. He’s an equal parent and OP’s opinion isn’t automatically the most important.

LaMaG · 23/07/2023 20:50

Mine was like this OP. An hour trying to get him to sleep then the nap might last anything between 7 and 20 mins then the cycle began again. He used to sleep in the car with the engine running but would wake if it switched off..I remember driving and sitting with the engine on, trying to snooze in the front or leaving the engine on in the driveway while he slept. Ridiculous and not very environmentally friendly but it worked for us

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/07/2023 20:52

@Sweetashunni has good advice. Mine was broadly a good napper but we also had some horrendous days where she was overtired and screaming. I was losing my cool she was picking up on it. Just a mess... so she'd go into the pram and out for a walk or a drive and she always fell asleep. It saved my sanity and i started doing it immediately if she was resisting naps for more than 15-20mins

I also agree on trying some kind of controlled crying at bedtime. My DH and i discussed and agreed the method beforehand and he implemented it as i was too weak / couldn't. Once i saw how well it worked and how much her and our sleep improved i found it easier to go with the system.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/07/2023 20:53

Also it DOES get better