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Original poster

Baby is ruining us

482 replies

fedupnow2 · 23/07/2023 20:36

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

OP posts:
Whodar · 23/07/2023 21:20

Co-sleeping saved my sanity OP but I totally get it’s not for everyone.
I remember just putting a single mattress on the floor in the baby’s room and sleeping like that with DC for months. It was totally fine and we all got sleep that way.

Yellowlegobrick · 23/07/2023 21:22

Sometimes all the things you are doing to desperately try and zonk out the baby (rocking, putting, picking up, music, white noise, prams, bouncy chairs) are actually just yet more stimulation. Some babies just need to whinge and fuss a bit about going to sleep

This is hard, but have you tried just lying there doing absolutely nothing, with baby with you but not picking up, no rocking, no nothing? Get a timer and try to just be there, quietly, even if baby is crying, for 5 mins. Only 5. Don't try to leave the room. If they fall asleep, don't go. Wait 30 mins then go.

I had to do this with DC2. Voila 4 mins in - asleep.

lavenderdilly · 23/07/2023 21:22

Lionandtheunicorn · 23/07/2023 21:20

Contact Charmian Mead. Book a phone call with her. If you can afford it book a week. My son went from waking every 45 minutes, and NEVER napping, to sleeping 7-7 and having a 1-3 nap, within ten days. It changed all of our lives. I was broken! I said to DH I would sacrifice 5 years of holidays to pay for it and it was the best money I have ever spent. He’s still an amazing sleeper, 3 years on.

She will tell you to leave baby for between 2-5 minutes, for extreme cases (maybe this is one!) max of 10 minutes. But honestly my son didn’t ever cry longer than 2 minutes, he would happily lie in bed awake and go off to sleep - sometimes singing to himself, I couldn’t believe it.

So this is a good alternative to CIO methods of sleep training.

Yes we used her!!!

Another recommendation from us!

wingingit1987 · 23/07/2023 21:23

We have 5 kids. Our eldest was our worst sleeper.I ended up just babywearing for naps and I never bothered actively trying to get him to nap. Bedtime at night- he slept with me. We never sleep trained or anything and the subsequent 4 children are all great sleepers.

greeneyessparksfly · 23/07/2023 21:23

Op, Ive been there, with my first but touch wood not my second yet. I have something that might help that I can send to you but I’ve no idea how you do that on mumsnet. I found it really useful, happy to email it to you if it would be any help - pop me a pm if so :)

RaidFlySpray · 23/07/2023 21:24

I'd give attachment parenting a go, it really chilled out my babies and they slept anywhere.

Lifeomars · 23/07/2023 21:24

No advice to offer, but my sincere sympathies, I had a non-sleeper (and was a single parent) and I nearly lost my mind with stress and exhaustion. It did pass, it always does but oh it is hell on earth and I feel for you

MerryHen · 23/07/2023 21:24

You have my sympathy OP.
Our DD, now 4yo, was the same. Other people with easier going babies who slept never got it.

Starting childcare when she was 18 months old helped us. Her sleep remained terrible but having some respite helped me. She's slept at the childminder maybe once or twice when she was feeling a bit under the weather and has never slept at nursery (she was moved into the preschool class a term early and I'm sure not sleeping is part of the reason). Knowing that people who are used to getting children to sleep also couldn't get DD to sleep helped me feel less shit about myself.

She still finds it difficult to sleep, she a very lively clever little girl whose brain never seems to switch off, she is currently on the pathway for ASD and ADHD assessment which may or may not explain it.

I'm sorry I don't have any solutions but wanted to show solidarity. It is HARD having a high needs, non sleeping child.

Matronic6 · 23/07/2023 21:24

I have been here but only lasted till 5 months before I give in and sleep trained. Best thing we did. DD is now a dream sleeper.

Also thought the crying would kille but you don't need to let them CIO, there's spaced soothing, which is gentler. It actually give so much more awareness of her different cries, which are protest, which are expressing a need and which ones are just her having a little groan.

It took longer than a few days, as we did a gentler approach. A PP was right, it is exhausting but I that one week was far better than months of it. Moreover we have a much happier and well rested baby for it. Look at Baby Sleep Consultant on Instagram, we used her sleep guides which were far cheaper than consulting a sleep trainer.

squeakyclean13 · 23/07/2023 21:25

Can you try and fit in an activity in the morning so she's more tired and will sleep? Baby groups, park, play dates, swimming pool etc?

Could it be ADHD? Nothing to do yet, but keep an eye on her for developing signs.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/07/2023 21:26

Sleep train op

your husband will get over it

Mannilea · 23/07/2023 21:26

I no you have said you have seen an allergist so it may cover this I’m not sure what tests they do

but sounds like my oldest and she had intolerances our doctor just said babies cry etc so was no help with referring to allergist so we just did your standard hair test you can find them on the internet and she was intolerant to numerous things

she was 11 months when we tried this and went from screaming wriggling all night etc to sleeping through in 2 days after cutting out her ‘bad’ foods

Cloudburstings · 23/07/2023 21:29

Some babies do develop very fast and somehow angrily.

our first did.

with our second I got advice and support from Ann Caird [email protected]

she is amazing and taught me so much. Mostly they there are a lots more options than ‘make them sleep’ and ‘cry it out’

if your husband is nervous about a change she’s a great option.

best money I ever spent. My only regret is I didn’t get her help with our first but battled on so we all suffered more than was necessary.

Lifeomars · 23/07/2023 21:30

Yellowlegobrick · 23/07/2023 21:22

Sometimes all the things you are doing to desperately try and zonk out the baby (rocking, putting, picking up, music, white noise, prams, bouncy chairs) are actually just yet more stimulation. Some babies just need to whinge and fuss a bit about going to sleep

This is hard, but have you tried just lying there doing absolutely nothing, with baby with you but not picking up, no rocking, no nothing? Get a timer and try to just be there, quietly, even if baby is crying, for 5 mins. Only 5. Don't try to leave the room. If they fall asleep, don't go. Wait 30 mins then go.

I had to do this with DC2. Voila 4 mins in - asleep.

I did something similar in the end, I stopped all the rocking, the music, the singing and lay next to my little one in silence. Then a few days later I sat by the cot, then a few days after this I stood in the room, then by the door a few days later saying " you are safe and mummy is here", then after a week of this he settled much better.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/07/2023 21:31

One dc was like this. Turned out they were ADHD/ASD..

It will get better but perhaps just bear it in mind.

BeauxHeaux · 23/07/2023 21:31

Lucy Woulfe Sleep Solution book. Life saver. Includes suggested timetable for wake windows. Has an Instagram also.

BeauxHeaux · 23/07/2023 21:32

Should add its a very gentle approach, all about helping child feel safe and secure, no crying it out.

xXc · 23/07/2023 21:32

Just chill mama saved us! Best money I ever spent. It's tough op but u got to get through the bad to get to the good! Good luck x

NanaRant · 23/07/2023 21:33

I haven't read the entire thread, but have read all your comments OP. This was my daughter and son-in-law. They were sooo tired and my son-in-law is a type 1 diabetic and I got to the stage I was terrified about his health due to sleep deprivation. I sent them off for 3 nights and sleep trained my granddaughter, I cannot bare her crying so did a 1 minute cry type set up. It nearly killed me, but by the third night she slept all the way through (was waking every 50 mins), the forth night I got my daughter to shadow me. My rules were to not pick her up from her cot and not lie in the same room as her (they had got into the habit of snuggling up in the single bed in her room in sheer desperation). She is 4 now, so all that is behind us, she loves her bed and sleeps 12 hours+ since then. I know it is distressing, but 2 to 3 nights of hell, is so worth it. I just googled how to sleep-train and adapted it to minimal crying time. So worth it. Best of luck to you x

Hollyppp · 23/07/2023 21:34

NickyEsther · 23/07/2023 21:02

Stop spending so long trying to get her to sleep. Just don’t do it. Go about your business with your older child.. if you take them to the park put the baby in the carrier (they love carriers ..I expect she’ll fall asleep). Drive to somewhere… she might fall asleep , take a walk in pram she might fall asleep,. Etc. Just stop the obsessive trying to nap in cot thing.

At night have her sleep next to you in bed. If you breastfeed do it to sleep.. works a dream.

Reading your post again she sounds rather discontent and that she needs the closeness given you say she wants to be carried. Put her in a baby carrier and carry her all day!!! If she falls asleep in the carrier sit down.

I agree with all this advice. It’s what I will be doing for my next baby as my last wasn’t a great sleeper. Just get on with life and let their sleep slot around you

Zoeywelly · 23/07/2023 21:34

Have you tried going on long walks in the fresh air- baby in pushchair? Or car journeys? My LO needs her energy burnt off or she doesn’t sleep, and we sacked daytime naps because she just didn’t need them from about 8 months old! but I’m high energy too so works out well- also what food does your 8mo have? Could it be stimulating and/or upsetting tummy? Do you prepare the food from scratch or is it packaged baby food? Just some things to consider.
I know it’s stressful and you worry about your partner and his job but your baby only has you in The whole wide world and needs you more than anyone. I know you got this mumma x

Peony654 · 23/07/2023 21:35

TheKeatingFive · 23/07/2023 20:39

Time for sleep training. It saved our sanity. If you can afford it, might be worth bringing in a professional to help you out.

This - get some help for your own sanity and your marriage

Daisymae55 · 23/07/2023 21:37

OP this sounds so tough - huge hugs. And what you said about your son broke my heart.

DD was (and still sometimes is) a terrible sleeper. What does your day usually consist of? I know my dd slept so much better on days where we go to playgroup/nursery/soft play (soft play days are the best - I actually get a bit of an evening). Also is she having any kind of developmental leap/mastering a new skill? Sleep always goes to shit when dd is going through this

agree with just not getting stressed over naps. I remember stressing myself out I was making myself Ill with naps. So I stopped trying to force maps on her - turns out she needed fewer naps than I thought. I’d just play and play until she wore herself out (definitely found her asleep in her playpen a few times).

She did the same thing In the pram - even if exhausted she’s be wide eyes looking around (she has always had really bad FOMO). Now it’s swapped and the pram is sometimes the only way to get her to nap.

If you want to try and get her to nap do but if after 20 minutes or so of trying it’s going nowhere stop and just carry on with your day.

im sorry I haven’t got any real advice, and I know you said no “it gets better” comments but I will say they all have weird sleep phases. Some longer than others. I hope things get easier for you all 💕

GraysPapaya · 23/07/2023 21:37

that sounds like bloody awful!
we used Little Dreams sleep consultancy and it worked like a dream (no pun intended). They break down the entire routine and slowly get you into one that works for THEM! I don’t work for them (mumsnet can check!), just really wanted to recommend them.
You can’t carry on like this!

unhappygolucky · 23/07/2023 21:37

Hugs I feel for you! Had one like this.

is there any way you can get some
support? Nannies sometimes so you can rest during the day? Family to help out to give you some time off?
partner doing more childcare/ night shift with the baby?
a cleaner so you have less housework?

basically, focus on getting support and rest and strength for yourself (also recommend yoga/meditation/spas/massage/therapy/time w friends, whatever is your thing)
rather than on how you can “sleep train” or
control/change your child.
she is too little for that kind of thing and it may not work anyways. It WILL end (in our case when the child was around two, so can be a long time..) so my best advice is treat it like an unavoidable distance that has befallen you and do what you can to get through it.

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