Baby is ruining us

[fedupnow2]

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

8 months is peak wanting to be carried about age though. Lots aren’t crawling, she can’t walk so there’s not much she can do independently. Her way of exploring is through an adult carrying her.
Stick her in a supportive sling and just go with it.
Sometimes forcing babies into these arbitrary rules and routines doesn’t work. What’s wrong with her wanting to be carried really?

You do not need to sleep train and if your FH doesn't want to it will make it so much harder on you if you try to because you don't have the support.
However you sound like you are trying and doing the right things.
Have you though about a sleep professional such as the sleepy fairy or others? Definitely recommend getting professional help. Have are great but they tend to only recommend CIO.

We have tried driving around with her. We did exactly this the other night. At 8:30 after trying to get her to sleep we drove for an hour, she fell asleep and as soon as we got home she was awake and stayed that way for the next few hours. She has been to the paediatrician many times, an allergist, and absolutely nothing is wrong with her. She fights her sleep so badly and spends every single awake minute crying with over-tiredness.

Oh here comes the sleep train police. Pipe down.

You definitely do not need to sleep train. It sucks, it's exhausting. I've been there.

Not necessarily, it worked quickly and easily for us and benefitted the entire family.

With Ds we took for a drive to get him to nap and carefully transfered from car seat to pram to nap.

For sleeping at night he slept with me, I went to bed early with him, it was the only way we could all get a sleep.

Some babies just have different needs, it is not their fault.

Have you actually tried leaving her in a cot? She seems to be giving cues she is tired so just leave her get to sleep alone. Send dh to the shop. He isn't helping saying she isn't to cry! My life was tranformed in 3 nights when ds was 9 months old. No bf. Sent dh in with water and a dummy. He became a pleasure to have not a bloody nightmare!

I had one of these, we sleep trained at 13 months , didn't do the cry it out method but there where a few tears. He's 21 months now and goes to sleep in under ten minutes , it used to be 3 hours 😩

She hates the baby carrier or sling, I currently have 6 different ones and she hates them all. It's been 8months of not a single day of sleeping ok.

Try Lucy Woolf. Only time I read a sleep book where I recognised my own child's issues. I was also broken, ill, furious, relationship affected. It's a gentler version of cry it out as you stay in the room. Night 1 I lasted about ten mins and was crying saying I couldn't do it. Night two took half an hour, night 3 15 minutes. It wasn't all plain sailing from then on but it absolutely was the turning point for his sleep and my sanity.

Is there anywhere she WILL sleep? Car?

I had the same. It was hell. Wouldn't sleep at night either. Only place he would possibly sleep was in sling after an hour of crying / walking or on me after BF in a darkened room. HATED car and buggy. He's nearly 8 and still wants to sleep on me and wakes in night. He's v sensitive and neurodivergent.

Just solidarity.

It did get better after about 13 months but honestly was still not great.

What's your financial situation like? Or do you have family locally that would help?

If yes, buy in or ask for help.

We have tried both co sleeping and her sleeping in her cot - neither works. My 5yo now takes himself off to bed because we are both trying to calm this overtired child - I feel so awful for that and so so frustrated at this situation.

Hardly the sleep training police, just pointing out that there are 2 parents and the one who wants to sleep train isn’t automatically right. Telling one parent to get out of the house for a week if they disagree on a parenting technique is ridiculous and terrible advice.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this OP.

Please do seek professional help as this sounds like a really difficult case so it's unlikely that since you haven't found a solution so far, a stranger from MN will.

I don't have any recommendations of sleep consultants but you might find some if you search MN.

I second Lucy Woolf, she saved us! Couldn't bring myself to do CIO so this felt like a compromise and it worked really well x

I’d sleep train - for the sake of both your children as well as you. DH will have to just get over it at this point. Is your older child going to enjoy spending the whole summer holidays stuck indoors while you try to get their baby sibling to nap?

We don't have any family here as we moved from another country - I have a mothers help that comes in for 3 hours daily and she can't do more as she also works for another family. But in those 3 hours I do the school run, tidy up, sort bottles, cook and then she's gone. It is so depressing.

Follow Just Chill Mama on Instagram and invest in one of her courses (£49 if I remember right).

She has lots of free advice etc but the course gives you all the info you need to sort the sleep out. You need to get your husband to read it through as well though so he understands the approach and whilst there may be some crying, it's not harmful to your baby or your relationship with her.

Sending hugs. I know how difficult this must be for you. Things will get better.

Stop spending so long trying to get her to sleep. Just don’t do it. Go about your business with your older child.. if you take them to the park put the baby in the carrier (they love carriers ..I expect she’ll fall asleep). Drive to somewhere… she might fall asleep , take a walk in pram she might fall asleep,. Etc. Just stop the obsessive trying to nap in cot thing.

At night have her sleep next to you in bed. If you breastfeed do it to sleep.. works a dream.

Reading your post again she sounds rather discontent and that she needs the closeness given you say she wants to be carried. Put her in a baby carrier and carry her all day!!! If she falls asleep in the carrier sit down.

I'd talk to DH about sleep training again because this can't go on. You all sound miserable, including baby. A bit of crying short term for long term happiness, mental health and development sounds like a no brainer.

And agreed it certainly doesn’t have to be CIO, there is so much middle ground between rocking to sleep and CIO; no need for the dramatics from your DH.

Just to say I feel for you as this is horrendous. We had similar when our DD was 7 months old and it was absolute hell and we were miserable. We had tried controlled crying, but not for long as it seemed so cruel to leave her to cry. Through our health visitor we went to a sleep clinic and in 3 nights we had a baby who slept through the night. No exaggeration - 3 nights, after months of sleep deprivation. Saved our sanity and our marriage. They helped us work out a bed time routine then leave her to cry for 5 mins, then soothe her (think this was just verbal, no cuddling), then 10 mins, 15 mins then 30 mins at a time. 1st night she cried about 2 hrs in total, it was tough, I won’t lie. 2nd night cried for about 30 mins then by the 3rd night slept really quickly and right through. Having the plan and a limit on how long we left her gave us confidence to do it and we all (including DD) were so much happier.

I absolutely sympathise OP, it's tough. I have a 2 & half year old who still fights a lot of his day time naps for me (sometimes I give up and let him stay awake then I get him down for bed earlier, but this means he's awake several times through the night and super early in the morning) or sometimes he will have his day time naps and then sleep (a bit) better through the night.
Many a time I have and still do just resort to driving round with him and then as soon as he's nodded off I'll park up in my drive and just sit in the car (usually on MN) for a good hour. However other times he sleeps like a dream (but this is occasional) I've just had to accept he's not a good sleeper, and yes he is also quite clingy to me like yours, the housework is almost non existent, it used to really get at me but I don't stress over it anymore. When he was 8mo I also resorted to co-sleeping with him in my bed with me, DH spent a good few months in the spare room and still does now from time to time. It is tough but I keep promising myself it will get better soon.
I know it's easier said than done but try not to lose patience with her, like another op said. This is their only way of communicating and exploring the world at this age and she just wants to be near her mummy and sounds like she has fomo like mine too. Also sometimes I find when he's teething obviously, this really screws up his sleep too! So maybe she's teething all at once, it'll pass OP, stay strong 💪

You know what I think would really help you most? Working on your own triggers and self regulation. If you can learn to stay calm and regulated when baby is losing it, that's half the battle tbh. And you may find it helps to shorten the baby's agitation as sensitive children really pick up on stress.

Also you do need to stop this both of you doing it and leaving your 5 yo otherwise it will lead to resentment. Also it will be more stimulating for baby having two parents around.

Suggest you both do every other night, but have a code word for when you're really not coping and can swap Practice extreme self care as much as possible, get counseling or a listening partner so you have a place to vent, and look into how to self regulate.

This was us
Batelle was a miracle - google “Batelle method”
worth every penny. I wish I hadn’t waited and has gone for it around the 8 month mark. It’s not cry it out, but it does teach the child to wean of sleep associations (most likely you in some way) so you need to be ok with this.
they have a “babies” version for - well- babies