Baby is ruining us

[fedupnow2]

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

Charmaine Mead is a sleep Consutlant and wrote the 7 pm to 7 am book. My 10 week old barely sleeps at night and I’ve finally booked a single session with her. We did begrudgingly pay for a night nanny for 4 weeks (had her for 4 nights a week) as we were at our wits end and our 2 year old wasn’t able to sleep either because of the constant crying. Charmaine was highly recommended by friends and family who used her book but also booked her for a session/s. Is a night nanny an option even for a couple of nights a week for a few weeks? It really helped me - I felt like I was losing my mind

Sleep train 100%!! We were where you are now at 6 months so did it then and our lives were transformed within 8 days. No need for CIO, just do either pop-in or gradual retreat methods. I second sending DH away if he can’t deal with it. My DH sent me for a walk each night when he did it as he was worried I wouldn’t cope. He wore noise cancelling headphones. Not nice at the time but DC is sooooo much happier for it. The sleep train police can F-off, they keep babies unhappy for months with their bllsht! (And parents suicidal!)

Older sons birthday - can you get a babysitter for the day or ask family?

sleep - have you tried safe co-sleeping? We used to go to bed early doors just to be with ours and have the tv on. Not as easy with a 5 year old, but you could alternate nights?

if you do sleep next to baby do they just scream? If you know they are safe could you get a pair or loop earplugs or listen to music? Not for you to sleep but to block the noise? Still be with baby and alert and attentive just softens the noise (which I know is harrowing)

i assume the baby sleeps at some point? When does this happen and for how long? How much sleep does baby get a day? I’m sure you keep a log but if not might be worth looking at it.

sling - what does baby do to suggest they don’t like it? Front facing? Facing you? Front or back carry? Dare I say it is there a sling that you like and is supportive for baby? Can you try to persevere with it?

have you tried baby massage? I have no idea if it works but the warmth, rhythm and touch may help baby to relax?

if not it’s brining in a sleep professional.

Get a housekeeper for an hour or two to cook and clean - or just buy ready meals - so that when mother's help is here you can do school run, hang out with 5yo and then do something for yourself. Nap, massage, read a book, mediate, friends and coffee, whatever.

I know it's $ but it's only for the short term to buy you some space and time.

OP. She’s crying anyway. If I were you I’d do the sleep training. The situation your in now isn’t working for anyone ❤️.

When do you go back to work? Maybe nursery will help tire her out more.

Sleep training doesn't work for every baby either.

Nothing we tried helped us tbh. Sleep training we would have literally 5+ hours of blood curdling screaming even with us doing "gentler" methods

My son was like this. People would tell me how lucky I was he slept fairly solidly at night but this was because he fell asleep at 7 having been awake from 5.30am fighting naps the entire day. He barely slept the whole day from a couple of months old and I am not exaggerating. I spent almost my entire waking day trying to get him to sleep and it was the most miserable time of my life. He was so grumpy and angry. Eventually I realised he had severe reflux due to a tongue tie. It did get better after his tongue tie resolved. No advice other than a massive hand hold. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday and he’s 12 now

You need to use this time better then. With 3 hours you could use this to feel much more balanced. Have a half an hour lie down, pick your older one up, go for a hot chocolate together and then come home. You can stick something quick on for your 5 year olds tea and your husband can cook dinner for you both when he gets in.
You need to actively make your life easier, not harder.

My daughter was like this. The moment I saw my eldest struggling I stopped getting worried about naps and went about my day with them, if she slept, she slept. If she didn't, she didn't.

If it's any consolation, she's nearly 3 now, and on the whole is great sleeper, and much better at this age compared to what my first was like.

No baby is high needs.

Personally, I'd do the school run and chores while she's crying. Then, when mothers help is there, I'd be either napping or sitting in a cafe with my phone to unwind.

It's hard, I feel for you.

Your language is very disengaged, “this child. The baby is dying us, one more second with her ”, etc, not your daughter, none of us know what’s causing this, but I’d consider if you have pnd and if you feel you’ve bonded.

Sorry this baby is ruining us, not dying us.

My god, I hear you. DS1 was exactly as you describe.

I tired to do everything "right" - breastfeeding, slinging, gentle parenting, baby-led bloody everything.

But he was constantly miserable because he was utterly, chronically overtired. He just cried and cried and barely slept. It very nearly broke us.

By 10 months old we were desperate, and did what we never, ever thought we would do - we sleep trained.

Within three nights he went from sleeping in max 90 minutes stretches (often less) to sleeping through the night. His behaviour totally changed, he became settled and happy. I finally started enjoying being a parent.

Far from feeling guilty about sleep training, I actually felt guilty that I hadn't done it earlier. He desperately needed sleep and he needed his parents to help him instead of sticking to their bloody principles.

Try an oestopath or similar, as there maybe something out of balance - it's a different approach. Take care

If you can afford it hire a nighttime sitter. They can sort the baby out and you can get a good nights sleep. Sleep deprivation is one of the most awful things and everything seems worse/harder when you're tired.

And I know you don't want to hear it but honestly this won't last forever. Both of my children were awful sleepers and one or the other of them were up every hour of every night for ages. Now they sleep a solid 10 hours every night.

You will get through this!x

OP, this won’t last for ever, I promise. We had a TERRIBLE SLEEPER (she’s now 10 and still a terrible sleeper BUT she goes to her bedroom at bedtime and chats to herself until she finally falls asleep, often 2-3 hours later). I can remember feeling broken the same as you — once I was up with her from 1am until 7am, then, crying (me not her!), gave her to my DH even though he was meant to be going into the office to work because I just couldn’t cope. It WILL get better. Just hang in there. Xx

Is there a reason that you can't keep her close like she prefers right now? Myndd eas like your and just wanted to be carried and loved so I just carried and loved her. If it is that physically you can't because she is too heavy you can get those hip seat things, I've never used one but they look good. I became a master of doing things one handed, it seems like this time will last forever but before you know it she will be looking for independence.

I paid for sleep training and it was worth every penny!

I would echo others recommending that you sleep train and get respite in any way possible (for example, book some ad-hoc mornings at a nursery or using mother's help just to sleep?). I hear you, I've been there. You can't go on as you are.

DD was like that. utterly exhausting. I used a baby carrier and carried her around a lot so I could do stuff that way and she slept in there. Is this something you have tried?

Thanks to everyone for the replies. Sorry I can't seem to tag each one without losing the post. I'm taking all suggestions on board and just showed dh the thread. We are definitely going to do it. This can't continue. He is in agreement. I'll admit my older son was exactly like this- it was horrendous and put me off from having a second child. I never thought that it would happen again. We did the sleep training with ds and it did not work- we did it with two different and excellent consultants.
I'm not sure if this is even related but with both of my dc have something in common. They both hit some milestones very early. My ds was sitting fully on his own at 2.5 months, he crawled properly at 5 months and went straight to walking at 9 months. He was just always so unsettled all the time. I feel my baby is doing the exact same.

Contact Charmian Mead. Book a phone call with her. If you can afford it book a week. My son went from waking every 45 minutes, and NEVER napping, to sleeping 7-7 and having a 1-3 nap, within ten days. It changed all of our lives. I was broken! I said to DH I would sacrifice 5 years of holidays to pay for it and it was the best money I have ever spent. He’s still an amazing sleeper, 3 years on.

She will tell you to leave baby for between 2-5 minutes, for extreme cases (maybe this is one!) max of 10 minutes. But honestly my son didn’t ever cry longer than 2 minutes, he would happily lie in bed awake and go off to sleep - sometimes singing to himself, I couldn’t believe it.

So this is a good alternative to CIO methods of sleep training.

You need to see a therapist who can help you with keeping calm and for you to have somewhere safe to release all that pressure that's built up.

You also need a sleep consultant.

DH needs to get with the program because if you don't get on top of it he's going to have an awful lot more to deal with than a crying baby. He sounds like he's being no real support to you at all, just scuppering any chance you have of solving the issue.

Sleep training isn't about just letting the baby cry. There's a lot more to it.