Baby is ruining us

[fedupnow2]

I'm really fed up, frustrated and just desperate for advice. I have an 8mo and she is just the most difficult child- extremely high needs(constantly wants to be carried) but the biggest issue is her sleeping habits. This is not an exaggeration- I spend 5-6 HOURS a day trapped in my room trying to make her sleep. Every single nap time is a nightmare- she is so tired but just cannot sleep. She wants to be rocked but will wriggle furiously. If you leave her in her crib/ lie next to her then she becomes hyper and get more worked up. Dh has a very stressful job and the moment he walks in i hand her over because I'm sick of her. He is also highly frustrated because he then spends the next few hours trying to get her to sleep and he has barely sat down . Our weekends are consumed by her sleep issues. She has been like this since she was born. We have an older child who is struggling because I don't have time for him because of the baby. I would leave her to cry it out but dh doesn't want to. We have done everything- walks, routine, bath before bed, white noise. She eats very well. Please don't tell me this will end, I can't bear another second. Taking her out at any part of the day hypes her up when she gets home. I have now been sitting with her for the past 2 hours and she is furiously just thrashing about crying. Not in pain, just overtired. I've carried her and she just wants to be down. I'm just at the end of it.

Daycare one or two days a week so you can get some sleep

Exactly, I would actually do this. Drop the child to the childminder or nursery and come home and get back into bed for a few hours. What you are going through sounds like hell OP, my heart goes out to you.

My daughter would only sleep next to me so I kept her with me until she no longer needed me to be there. I still lie next to her as she goes to sleep but she’s happy on her own through the night. Some babies just need that comfort. It did used to drive me crazy though but I can tell you it doesn’t last forever.

Sending you some solidarity OP. 💐 My first was like this. Had tongue tie and reflux and dairy allergy. So clingy, terrible sleeper. Didn’t seem to get tired and just drop off like other babies. I was like you, absolutely dreading everyday and desperately tired and overwhelmed. I tried the Possums approach (plenty of info about it on sleep forums) and it meant giving up on whether or not she’d nap, at what time etc. It changed my focus, lowered my expectations and worked after a few days. Slowly, gradually her sleep improved over time. Every dropped nap helped and the busier days helped too. 8-10 months is about the worst it gets. So sorry you’re going through it. I know it might feel like the last thing you feel like doing, but try to do something nice that you and your baby both enjoy. Anything relaxing that allows you to bond and just enjoy your baby. This will help her settle and help you connect. Good luck! 🍀

What always puzzles me is endless threads like this and discussions around babies not sleeping as if that’s somehow a surprise and something wrong with the child. Babies not sleeping and tired parents of new borns is literally the oldest story in the world! What’s changed is that our lives have become so busy and we’ve become so isolated without the proverbial villages and extended families nearby, that we can no longer cope with babies just being normal babies and want to push them to become efficient participants in modern, industrial society as fast as possible (teaching them they better follow routines and the needs of society rather than their own needs). It’s not our fault, we all need to survive and sleep is crucial to survival (trust me I was sleep deprived for 3 years) so I’m not blaming anyone for sleep training or anything else we need to do to survive.

Look into the Millpond Sleep Clinic - they have a great book called Teach Your Child To Sleep, and they also offer phone consultations.
They are brilliant.
Also recommend co-sleeping for a few months, to give you a better sleep

Nap times 😂😂

Relax when help is there apart from the school run obviously

Beans on toast for tea or microwave jacket potato or some pasta and a jar of sauce on top etc for a few weeks - why not get some paper party plates and cutlery so no washing up for a week or two (yes I know plastic is the devil but needs must)

Lavender in all rooms

Tilt the cot (check with gp first)

Get yourself some herbal Kalms (check with go first)

Soothing music throughout the home

Baby massage

Lavender bath soap and body moisturiser for you and baby

Gradually Start dimming lights half hour before bed

Get your babies pjs/ blanket/bed sheet and sit with them on your skin for as long as you can so your scent is on them

Your need for relax babies can sense your stress- yoga on you tube, face masks, paint your nails, get a candle on

Have a look at getting a glove that's filled with beans and can be slightly warmed and put that on your baby it tricks then I to their king your hand is on them. They use this in intensive care

Try all different kid of white noise/ womb sounds / the hoover even

Check for drafts or if baby is too hot. So check room temperature and adjust

Try fully blacked out from or night light

She eats well… what is she eating? The wriggling whilst trying to sleep to me sounds like she’s perhaps uncomfortable? What are her poos like?

My elder son would only really nap in the carrier (and my younger is easiest to get to sleep in the carrier too). Babies like the feeling of movement and of hearing your heart beat etc. Means you do A LOT of walking - but maybe worth a try for naps? We have to use it sometimes in the middle of the night too...

Chatting to my Ugandan friend the other day and she literally said to me I just don’t know how anyone had kids here. I’m awe of you all. You’re all alone and it’s so cold! She said when her sister had her baby who didn’t sleep, the whole family took turns taking the baby at night (the sister was a solicitor and had to go to court frequently and family would take the baby all night.)

Just remember - you’re jot broken and neither is your baby. This society is.

So sorry OP, sounds really hard. DS was like this. Sling? You can go try different ones at a sling library and there was one particular one he loved and saved my sanity. Reflux? Dairy allergy or some other food trigger? Give up on a sleep routine and go with the flow. Baby massage to try and help her relax. Can your health visitor offer some advice.

Honestly OP I have been exactly where you are, except I breastfed and baby would only eventually settle for me. Naps were non existent, night time sleep equally horrendous with either frequent wakes or split nights, or both!! It was this way what felt like forever! I had post natal depression and was absolutely spiralling.

We paid for a sleep consultant and her sleep did temporarily improve to three wakes a night, but then you have teething, sickness, regressions and back to square one and I couldn’t go through with it all again. So I waited, and responded, waited and responded. First her day nap improved when she dropped to one nap at around 12 months old. She would start having a longer nap of just over an hour. Then suddenly, one night, out of the blue, probably around 19/20 months, she just slept through. I didn’t do anything differently. I just kept responding to her.

You are letting her sleep control your whole existence, as did I. It’s so so so difficult but if she is fighting sleep so hard, don’t fight with her. From my own experience I personally don’t believe in overtiredness anymore thanks to my sleep gremlin. I honestly think it’s a term banded around to make desperate parents part with their hard earned money.

What I do find strange though is that your baby wants to be carried all day but hates the sling/carrier. Have you been to a sling library or tried a back carry? Coz a sling is normally the perfect solution for the clingy baby.

I know you really don’t want to hear this, coz I didn’t want to hear it either, but all my girl needed was a secure attachment and time. Try to not let her sleep control your day. If she is fussing, let her fuss. She is a baby and that’s what fussy babies do. If you can afford it maybe look at a nursery or childcare one day a week so you can have some time to refresh yourself each week. If you haven’t already maybe try a back carry. If she is happy but awake in the pram, leave her in the pram awake and enjoy the park with your son. And be kind to yourself. You are in the thick of it now. It’s hard! X

I sympathise OP. Long time since I had a baby as my youngest is almost 25, but she wouldn't sleep either. One thing I noticed was that the more stressed you about them not sleeping, the more they pick up on it.

We were starting sleep training with her and she still howled ( later on we discovered she was ASD).
We were reorganising the house, and had put a spare TV and video player for storage at time( yes showing age) in her room, which wasn't to be switched on. In desperation I did put it on and stuck on a Tweenies video. In 10 mins she was SOUND. Turned out was too quiet in her room.
Not suggesting that you turn an 8 mth old into a TV addict, but maybe some calming music?

We had a similar baby. Both me and DH have jobs in which tiredness and making mistakes can result in harm to others and were desperate by the 8 month point. She just used to scream for hours and could never drop off.

We used Millpond Sleep Clinic and they were amazing- saved my sanity and job and allowed me to be a much better parent. It took three nights to get her sleeping through. There was a lot of screaming the first night but after that she just worked out how to switch herself off and we realized that all the pacing and soothing and rocking had just been winding her up even more. Best money I have ever spent.

Try a cranial osteopath. Absolute game-changer for my friend's baby. I would also recommend Elizabeth Pantley's book 'The no-cry sleep solution'.

I had one of these.

Put her down, chances are she's far too overstimulated to sleep.........dim the lights, put some white noise on and just leave her.

All this jostling about and trying to force sleep is far too much, give her the space to figure it out.

Agree with this. Sleep training will revolutionise your life.

Not read the whole thread
ill be flamed and it’s unpopular
I dud what I called uncontrolled crying. Literally at the end of tether at 8 months old put him in his room, shut the door and left him to cry. Did not check in go in or whisper or rock or whatever. Was hard but took 3 days and nights of repeating and problem solved.

now I’m sure someone will be along to tell me I permanently damaged him and he’s emotionally scarred for life / but now 16 he’s s perfectly well balanced well adjusted emotionally stable young man and I don’t regret it one little bit.

Are you certain she’s not In pain or discomfort?? What comforts her when she kicks off? IAgree with a po who suggested a hotel for your DH and you try a weekends sleep training. Best of luck xxx

Sorry OK sounds really rough and I hope you find a solution!

You mentioned a Mothers Help coming 3 hrs a day- what for she tend to do and what is your daughter like for her? Does she have any thoughts on it all?

Try cranial osteopathy

use a baby wrap carrier and carry on with life. Dd1 was like this. I’ll never forget going to a friend’s house when she put the kettle on, went and put baby down for a nap and was back in the kitchen before it had finished boiling. I was like “wtf?!” I couldn’t comprehend how a baby did that because dd1 never did. She was an amazing toddler and is an even better teen. Hang on in there.

OP mine were both rubbish sleepers. It took years to realise neither needed more than 8 hours at night.

I would first get the GP to check her over for any underlying ear infection and be mindful that you are entering prime teething time and it hurts them. I wouldn’t hesitate to give a dose of calpol before bed.

The spending hours in the day at her cot need to cease. Go about your business/chores/shopping/walk.

When your son gets home from school, or at 2pm in the hols, put her in the cot, shut the door and play with him for exactly one hour. She might yell for the whole hour on day one. She won't on day two.

Personally, I think routine is key. Up at 6, breakfast at 7, topped, tailed and dressed by 7.45. Chores 8 to 9 because they have to be done. You get properly tidy and have a coffee 9-9.45. She can squawk as much as she likes providing she's safe. Drink and fruit at 10. Out by 10.30: park, library, toddler group, shopping, soft play. Home at 12.30, lunch at 1ish. Gentle play. Cot at 2pm. Up at 3 (longer if she sleeps). Out for a walk at 4, feed the ducks, collect leaves, name flowers, quick swing. Tea at 5.45, baths at 6.30. Jamas, milk, stories, teeth, bed at 7.30 for her; 8 for your ds (he gets so excited 1:1) attention. You have to walk out of her room straight away.

Argh typos sorry. Meant to say OP not OK and what 'does' she tend to do!

No practical advice as such because I have a 7mo who’s not the best sleeper, but what you’re going through sounds awful. At my DDs 6month check the HV mentioned a sleep programme that we could do if things didn’t improve but luckily they have for us in the past month as I implemented some things HV suggested but sounds like you’ve already tried. I’d speak to your HV, explain the situation and see what help they can offer. It’s exhausting, no doubt about it.