Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

[NewMomma21]

Looking for advice.

Married to DH for 4 years. We have an 18 month old and I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant. DH has a stressful job; he earns a very good salary and works long hours and travels abroad frequently. He is a good provider and great fun socially.

I would have considered myself happily married but recently I am becoming increasingly resentful of DH. Although he provides financially he does nothing to keep the house running. He doesn’t ever put a wash on. He lets the bins run to overflowing. He does absolutely no cleaning or cooking and frequently will leave a mess behind him whenever he is in the house. Often leaves clothes/towels on the floor. I have to ask multiple, multiple times over the course of days to do things I am physically unable to do (for example lifting heavy loads of washing, emptying bins, quick tidy of the garden). I am left to do everything around the house. Although I work FT I am off for the summer, it doesn’t matter if I’m in work or not he still contributes nothing. On the weekends he often plays golf for one day. On the days he is home and off when LO naps he more or often than not gets into bed for two hours for a nap or scroll on his phone. This is time during the day I use to do a tidy, load of washing, hoover etc.

Recently he was away for over a week (longest trip since covid) and it was just me and LO. Life was much easier. There was no mess to clean up. The house was clean and tidy. No picking up his clothes and litter. I found the extent to which it was easier shocking.

I have tried so many times to ask him for help. Begged. Nagged. Gotten angry, gotten upset. Nothing ever gets through to him. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel increasingly like I am mother to a toddler and messy, selfish teenager.

Has anyone any advice? I don’t know how else to get through to him

YABU- he contributes financially and he is unlikely to ever change
YANBU- he needs to start pulling his weight

He won't change, only you can decide if you are willing to put up with this or not. If you aren't then divorce him.

Get a pile of post it notes and write on each one "Fuck you NewMomma, you're my slave, you sort this" walk round the house and stick it on every cup he leaves out, the clothes on the floor, his dirty bathroom, the overflowing bin, the dirty nappy on the side, the messy office etc and continue to do this.

Explain that is what he is saying to you every time he leaves his stink and mess for you to clean up.

Don't say any more, just continue to do it.

Because that's what he IS saying to you with this behaviour, so remind him and yourself of this and don't pick up after him, just shove a post it note on the thing he's left with "Fuck you NewMomma, you're my slave, you sort this" and leave it for guests and his mother and everyone to see. If he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, this won't change his actions but maybe it will give you a visual clue to his utter contempt of you and the message he's sending to your DC.

That would be quite a powerful visual.

Really, sadly, there is no choice: either a live in maid/housekeeper or divorce. This person is just the shittiest husband I’ve heard of. My DH was working so much when I was pregnant with my second that we had to hire someone to help me with our toddler and to drive me to medical appointments. But every second he was home he was looking after me and the toddler. He would never have eaten all the food of napped instead I f taking care of us.

Tell him you find it deeply unattractive that he's so lazy and he obviously wants you to be a surrogate mother to him. Urgh.

I was (note 'was') married to someone a bit like this. I tried to improve things with a certain amount of sarcasm - so I'd leave his towel on the floor and go downstairs and say 'oh your towel's self hanging mechanism seems to have broken, could you go and have a look at it?' every time til he got the message. It is exhausting though.

Get him to watch this and see if it rings true

He needs to understand that even if he doesn't care about mess, a basic level of picking stuff up is just about respect. And I say this as a thoroughly messy person myself who has had to train myself to be better at pttting stuff away

Can you go on the night away alone? Leave him to look after your child? I'd tell him why you don't want to go with him too and that you also need a break.

I can understand it because I'm of the age where I witnessed it at home when I was a child.

But my father didn't treat my mother with contempt. He cleared up after himself, he washed up after dinner and sometimes prepared the veg before Sunday lunch (then he went to the pub!)
They both gardened.

But that was the way it was then, mum didn't want or need to work and my dad loved her to bits

I do know of others where the wives did everything but they accepted their lot 🙁

I would guess if OP went away alone, her husband would look after their child but she would return to an absolute shithole. No washing done. Plates everywhere. Crumbs and sauce split on the tops. Bath water splashed all across the bathroom and the towel on the floor. Toys all over the place. Because his logic is he doesn't mind mess, so if OP does, it's on her to deal with it.
In a way it sounds more difficult than the man who expects to be waited on hand and foot by his wife because the solution there is to withdraw everything you do for him.This one just seems to want to live the exact life he wants and prioritise only the things he thinks are important while still somehow being married with children.

Genius.

Does he care about food or clean clothes because he wouldn't have either if I were you?

I have no idea whether you can persuade him to change and I totally agree that he is showing you little respect or consideration,
I am not tidy by nature but I have learnt to be - its part and parcel of growing up into a fully formed adult.
The eye opener for me was when DH went away for a few days and when I came to tidy round before he came home there was something of mine that I'd left lying around in every single room (or on every surface), before that I'd thought he was as bad as me but it did make me realise just how much mess I can create just by not picking up after myself or putting things in the right place to start with.
It might be worth you staying with your parents for a week for a break, some sleep and for him to realise what you do but realistically it might no make any difference, good luck OP

He is modelling really bad relationships and behaviour to your children

We did couples counselling. Was the best idea for us because we had reached a point where we had said things to each other so many times we just weren't hearing it anymore.

Having a third party (together and separately) talk to us about how we communicate and the no1 thing- what we value most of all (answer: each other! ) made us make changes. Because my husband matters to me. I matter to him. His happiness matters to me and mine matters to him. Much more than (insert petty thing like not putting dishwasher in machine). It doesn't matter than we are not bothered by the same things. Our marriage was salvageable because we matter to each other more than being lazy. Our feelings are valid.

But we definitely needed reminding. And we probably will again some day.

But if he won't go to counselling I would definitely do what @StopMindlesslyScrolling says. Genius.

He won't change unless he wants to

And he currently doesn't want to. Actions speak louder than words

So, you have a difficult decision to make. As I see it, your choices are stark - (1) carry on as you are or (2) consider moving on from thus relationship

Don't give ultimatums eg "tidy up X or I'll leave" unless you mean it

But, a conversation along these lines might be helpful "I have been very happy with you in the past, but I'm finding this way of life hard. I feel like a maid. It's making me miserable. I'm starting to wonder if this is the beginning of the end. Perhaps we're not as well suited as we thought. I'm not sure I want to carry on like this. I am thinking we might be better apart". And then see what happens. If he continues as he is, then you know he won't ever change. If he really doesn't want to lose you, he may up his game, but you'd need to be vigilant it's not just temporary to pacify you

Just joined thread. He doesn't need to be perfect but if he's creating extra work instead of at least cleaning up after himself then that is really unreasonable.

Dirty nappies left out? That is just unacceptably unhygenic. Flies can come in and land on them, and spread the germs around the place. There is no excuse for that.

The filled bath sounds like a drowning risk and a way to make the place mouldy.

I have found that it's much easier to wash and dry DH's clothes in a separate wash from the rest of the family. He has loads so they can build up in wash basket without him running out and I can focus on the rest of the family (DC tend to have fewer as they grow out of clothes so quickly, so theirs need washing more often too). It makes putting it away simpler. I would definitely separate DH's and either explain they're separate from now on or that he can do them and you'll show him how. It's heavy lifting which you just don't need.

I'd be tempted to tell him to go and live at his Mum's if he can't keep the place clean, to stop creating work. Tell him you want him here, but without the trail of mess behind him.

My Dad was like this and as a child and teen I watched my mum run herself into the ground cleaning. She worked FT too.

As soon as I was old enough I mucked in while my brother sat about and did nothing.

My parents divorced years ago and my dad lives in squalor now, he doesn't even have hot water or central heating. The house is a disgrace with dirt and damp. It needs professional cleaners.

When my Mum left I took over his laundry (had to bring it home as the washing machine broke) and shopping plus a bit of cleaning, changing bedding etc.
Then I moved abroad.

Now his sister does it all and she's 80 odd!

When I go back to visit I can't stay there as it's so cold, damp and dirty. I can't even have a cup tea without scrubbing the cup and spoon first.

I love my dad very much but he just doesn't see mess and doesn't care.

I am up during the night with DC while you get a full nights sleep every night .
Tell him, not ask, that one day every weekend is when he does night duty AND you have a lie in. He needs to feel what you feel as he won't understand how bone achingly tiredness this is.

He came home on Friday night, helped himself to all the bread and cheese in the house leaving nothing for DC lunch the following day.
Tell him he can not do this again. Tell him he is taking food out of his child's mouth.

I then came home to find him sound asleep on Saturday afternoon, having done absolutely nothing around the house.
So despite saying he would help more...this was his answer?

Yep. Actions are louder than words and his actions are screaming FUCK YOU!!! My DH has been the same for the past thirty years, its soul destroying.

7% seem to think so....🙄

The OP has already stated that she's asked repeatedly for him to help. His response is to tell her to pay for someone to pick up his slack. No counselling, no shouting or arguing is going to make this guy change. This is who he is.

OP either lumps it for the rest of her life, or she kicks him into the ether and takes on raising 2 kids by herself. Neither of which are remotely what she signed up for. She just wanted an equal, a partner. And he's anything but. Given she's heavily pregnant, I'd imagine that this all feels a bit shit

I am incredibly untidy (DH is not). The levels of mess and contempt your H shows are awful.

Hell
I would tell him one more time that you find all this unattractive.
Either leave him or start paying for more help. Pay someone to do YOUR ironing- not his. Up the amount of times the cleaner comes, pay for on line shopping and make sure it comes out of joint funds.
Personally, I could not live with anyone like this, I’d rather be a single parent. It’s just so disrespectful.It sets a terrible example to your dc.
I am of the opinion that living with someone only works if you both have very similar values and outlook in life. Tidy people should only live with other tidy people. If you always make a drink for your partner then you really need someone who makes drinks for you. If you make a fuss about your partners birthday then you are better with someone who makes a fuss about your birthday.

Is he on your team?
Does he care about your well being?
Does he respect you?
If the answer is no then I don't think you really have a relationship to build on.

If you want to stay with him, I would insist on separate bedrooms and bathrooms for the two of you.

I would stop doing his laundry, he can do it himself or make the arrangements to contract it out.

I would buy in support for as much of the housework as possible, daily help I think, and also buy in childcare so that you can have a decent amount of you time.

I'd also ask him to fetch and carry for you whilst you are pregnant and then continue with this.
Eg do not make your own cups of tea, do not go and get things from another room, ask for foot rubs, and generally offload mini tasks onto him as often as possible. Act like a Princess with staff and not like his mother.

Go out and have fun together then have a lie in the next morning, put a loud alarm outside his room. If he doesn't get up take your child into his bed. If that still doesn't work then you need to go out yourself and leave him in charge of your child. Book a series of regular nights and weekends at a spa with a friend or relative and leave him in charge.

Cultivate a fun out of the house hobby and do it weekly.

Good luck OP.

Thank you for your kind reply. I am grateful for all the support and replies.

I’ll be honest, is does feel a bit shit. I was naively hoping some replies might have been in the vein of DH was like this and x was the thing that changed things for us. I just feel sad and tired at this point